Tea

My darling. My little darling. Where have you been?!

It’s been so long!

I heard that fainted knock on my door

I am so glad…I decided to answer and not ignore, like I usually do

My darling! Why are you trembling?!

Come in..come in!

Let’s have some tea to warm you up

I’ll put the kettle on…sit down

Here’s a blanket…may I?!

Oh my sweet darling! Soon you’ll warm up… There’s a storm outside and I know you are scared! You never liked storms! They’ve always terrorized you

It’s a wild world out there sweetheart…I know! But you are home now. It’s safe here. You are, safe here. Thank you for coming back.

Apologies

First, apologies to those couple of souls who read my blabbers here

I don’t write here to make friends, yet Ana, Anon, Mark and a couple others, honestly showed me a wonderful missing humanity in my actual non virtual life

I do have friends, and they’ve been wonderful. The problem is, I have a very had time, opening up. So after the initial shock, where I had spent those first days, not withholding what had occurred to random strangers sometimes….I came here in the midst of the storm, to lay out my actual thoughts. After all, it has always been, much easier to write, than to verbally express how I truly feel…in general

I am sorry if my absence here has caused anyone any unnecessary concern

Beside Ana, I don’t have communication with anyone here. So I can understand the unfairness of causing any worry if one just disappears

I’m doing ok. Even better than ok

My spouse cut his_our supposedly_ vacation 10 days short, and decided to fly back home

It was awkward the first couple of days. As I had spent close to two weeks on my own. The very first time, throughout our long marriage

During those days on my own, I fixed many things on the property. Sanded and re-stained raised flower beds, weeded, dug up lots of dirt to plant veggies and potatoes, and Skyped with my sorrowful spouse all the way in sunny FL

After his arrival, there was a deep sense of losing me all over again

One of the hardest things for me to do, is killing someone’s joy. And his joy was very apparent after his return

To unpack your sad face, as you wake up every morning, and then wear it all over again just like you’ve been doing on your own for two week, felt a bit selfish

At the same time, you know you cannot/should not, be giving still births to one smile after another, just to please

So what is one to do then?

You put the arrivers, to work

Basically, you want to be around me? It makes you happy and it takes away your blues?! Great! But I cannot go out to dinners, hold your hand on evening walks or go watch the sunset at a riverbank.

Let’s build some new greenhouses and let’s slave away morning to nightfall, building some heavy duty steps on the property

Physical work outdoors, is something I personally immensely enjoy. So that’s what we did

Operating a cordless drill is more thrilling to me than to be gifted a gorgeous bouquet of roses. I dislike cut roses anyway and prefer them on an actual rose bush I attend to with love and care. Yes I am a complicated individual even when it comes to flowers and roses. Let’s not even start on (cards). I get a bit twisted inside when I receive a card. I just don’t know what to do with it…toss it after reading?! Leave it sitting there on some surface? It’s all so confusing

However, building stuff, feeling your body ache as you try twisting it to attach 2 long pieces of 2×4 is? Incredibly rewarding

To be cont-

Decision to Fly

For the second time in less than couple of weeks, I have yet decide if I’m flying to Orlando or if I’m again…a no show at the airport

My spouse hasn’t stopped pressuring me to fly there. He’s been there 2 weeks now

He means well. ‘You could use some beach time, sunshine, dinners at your favourite places..etc etc’

He booked me my second flight yesterday. I’m supposed to fly there tomorrow am

My current state of mind: I still have lots to do on the property. If I leave tomorrow, my newly planted potatoes won’t get watered. I have 2 new big coffee orders, one for a big ranch and the other for a store. People get upset when they can’t find their coffee.

I am so confused and embarrassingly conflicted

I am doing absolutely fine here. On my own. Yet, Skyping with him earlier for 2 full hours, made me sad. Why? The disappointment on his face when I said I may again be a no show for my flight tomorrow

He said he has the best room in the house ready for me..etc etc so of course he was sad and disappointed I may not make it

What is stopping me? What is scaring me!? What exactly is lingering at the pit of my soul?! I am not doing this to punish him. Not at all! In fact, I want to go more for him, to give him hope. But what kind of hope?! And is that even logical?!

My sister isn’t happy with me, with regards to how supportive I have been of him, and how concerned I am for him. Her tone was a little irritated on the phone. She’s in Geneva. She said ‘…do you not see?? It’s all about him now?!! What about you? Who’s worried for you?!’

Where do I begin and where does he stop?! Why is it, that I cannot stop caring! Why am I worried about him?! I know the answers to all those questions, except the first one

Thranduil

Is it funny, that my favourite character in Tolkien’s The Hobbit, has long been…Thranduil!!

And where does the Elven King, fit into my story of life! This, story of life!

All I know, I am constantly visited by many Thranduil imagery, while in the forest this week. It just happens

Maybe, this past week of complete seclusion, caused me to feel a stronger bond, with the isolationist Elven King’s stance…The way he expresses his apathy, after all the wars he had to face. All the spiritual wounds, that made him suspicious..of outsiders, more unwelcoming…less trusting

Maybe it’s the rage in his eyes, that sometimes I feel, but I can’t express!

Or is it, how he’s wilder, than the rest of the elves! How he also seemed more connected with the forest, Mirkwood, than the others!

What I loved about the Elves the most?! Was how they are incredibly heartfelt people! How they cannot fake or hide, their true feelings. When they’re happy, they’re incredibly joyful, they’re radiant. When they’re sad, they feel it deep to their core..they can literally die from a broken heart. How they show a lot of grace, but when they’re finally angry, you better get out of the way, there’s nothing like an elf rage that will murder you right there and then. And Thranduil’s angry face..intense..to almost scary…never leaves me lately

The elves, the graceful elves, can be the worst badass out there. They fight better, than the dwarfs, who make fun of their graceful, beautiful, features

But sometimes, the Elves grow tired of all the fighting. Of all those long battles. And they just want…to live in their forest in peace. But watch out, as they no longer trust anyone

Fat Bastard

Fat Bastard, is an inexpensive wine I don’t mind

I have not purchased grocery for a week now

So finally, I made it to the expensive grocery store in town, and bought me some cheese, crackers, and a jar of (not so incredibly terrible…olives)

Then, I stopped by the wine store and bought some..wine. After all, I am well deserved of a…drink

The cheese I purchased…not terrible, but definitely not the greatest (little chuckle sound). Nothing like my favourite Italian store in the city, but it’ll do for tonight 🙂

So, the grocery store in town, where I purchased my cheese and crackers, gets attacked by the ‘uppity’ locals, constantly

They, complain, and complain…and complain

I cannot believe, they cannot grasp, this simple reality of: we are outside the city limit. It IS the only grocery store we have. It IS, owned by a family who works night and day there. THEY, are trying their very best. So how about, all of you, Mis Sylvia Dooble-Fitzes, try managing and working, the town grocery store. Let’s see how you fare out

Need to Write

I will try writing later

The weak moments are beginning to encircle me like sharks encircling a prey

I’ve been on my own since Thursday morning..Since he left on vacation and I decided to miss my flight, and stay behind instead

The loneliness I felt today, leaving my house to the grocery store for necessities..was indescribable

The town was full of happy people. It’s Mother’s Day..while I drove quietly back to my cave

Staying Behind

In a couple of days..one of us will be boarding a plane..and the other, will simply stay behind..

We have waited 3 full years, due to all the travel restrictions on people like us.

You keep reminding me ‘you’ve earned this trip. You should come. I will stay at a hotel. You can stay at the booked vacation house. You can go anywhere on your own there, without me. I will not pressure you. I will respect our new boundaries’

But how?!

When I keep glancing at our last picture together…and wonder..was it really..our last one?!

When it’s going to be nearly impossible, to take any pictures together..again

Maybe, I shouldn’t listen to you. Maybe I need to simply..stay behind..and hug the forest deer weeping with me

Interrupting The Pain

Humour in the middle of all this pain

A while ago, I had purchased tickets to one of his old rock bands

The evening of the concert, took place, while I was still in an excruciating pain, due to his recent betrayal

One of my friends, aware of the situation, insisted ‘we’ should still go. Her, and I.

I had been out in the yard spring cleaning, prior. I had lingering dirt underneath my fingernails after I showered quickly.

My hair, wasn’t brushed. Just a hat on, a black summer dress, dark sunglasses and brown leather cuffs.

Heading to the building hosting the concert, after parking my car…I had noticed the huge crowd walking around me, beside me, behind me..were all dressed in extreme grunge…Way too many black T-shirt’s adorned with white skulls

Heavily tattooed…piercings…shaved heads…and more skull ‘everything’ including gigantic silver rings

Had I not been in my state of confusion, reeling from a shattering blow to my entire being..I’d have realized, the level of grunge in attire around me, was perhaps a little disproportionate, to the proposed band about to perform

Now I’m at the door. Two younger men, asking for my ticket. I extended my phone screen..zap ..zap……nothing

My ticket barcode will not scan

They are now exchanging looks..they tried again. The same result

One addresses the other now ‘just let her in’

The other, without skipping a beat, stamps my wrist with a red stamp. ‘Enjoy’ he smiled

I’m now in walking to the concert hall…A lady with her male companion began talking to me as we were headed in the same direction

“We were both admiring your hat’

‘Oh, thank you!’

‘Great band tonight! Should be a great one!’

‘Yes it should be’

‘…’Mega Death’ never disappoints’

Imagine my reaction…

I had somehow gotten my dates mixed up with all my confusion. However, the two young men, must’ve thought ‘dirty fingernails, brown leather handcuffs, messy unbrushed long hair and a grungy hat..yup! She fits in perfectly..C’MON IN LADY! enjoy’

I did, get my confused self, into an extremely popular and crowded heavy metal concert, without a proof of a purchased ticket

Rock on 🤘..’Mega…Death’…

Heart at ER

4 nights ago, I sat with you in a crowded ER room

It began around 8 pm that evening..’there’s something wrong with my heart..I think’

I jumped to change. Threw a pair of jeans and a T-shirt on quickly, and without skipping a beat, we headed to the hospital. My inner thoughts ‘do the right thing. Rush him to the hospital. What if it’s true this time?’. You have a history of paranoia, but I did not show any doubt and I did not probe. I simply..drove…while assuring you ‘you’re going to be ok. Don’t hyperventilate. Don’t allow sinister thoughts into your head. Breath deep and relax. We should be there soon’

And there we sat..for 8 absolutely horrible hours. You looked as if, you were the only..healthy..one…in that harrowing full of pain, room

Automatic sliding doors, poor souls filling every corner..broken limbs, cuts, red noses, some holding paperboard bins to throw up in, are crying, are holding onto the person next to them for support, reading books, clutching at a blanket wrapped around them, or holding tight to a jacket slung on their knees..leaning back in their chairs snoring from exhaustion, or simply eyes shut but moaning in agony

You were called in for the 4th time now, to speak to the doctor. I heard his voice addressing you around the corner. And something compelled me, to quickly get up, and follow his voice, to where your obedient trusting eyes were looking at him, as he spoke in his caring manner

At around 3 am, the medical team, had finished performing every test they managed to do, on your heart. Everything looked normal. No damage to the heart, no signs of any abnormalities..except a higher than usual_although not extremely alarming_blood pressure. Such an enigma!

I waved a quick hello to the doctor wondering_where did I come from_and my eyes focused on..you

‘Have you mentioned to the doctor the sea salt you’ve been regularly adding to your drinking water the past couple of weeks?’

Like a toddler shifting weight from side to side and fidgeting in their chair…you glanced sheepishly at me, then shifted your glance to the doctor…then a downward gaze..

The doctor‘s questioning eyes, attempting to decipher what’s unfolding

‘..yah I’ve been drinking mineral water’

I interjected ‘actually, you’ve been adding sea salt to your drinking water’

Now, it was the doctor’s turn, to interject ‘NO..NO’

You apologetically murmured ‘I thought it was better for my health’

The doctor looked shocked, and not particularly amused ‘NOT FOR YOU! Your blood pressure is high!’

We left..

On our way to the parking lot, you laughed amusingly, and said to me ‘what would I do without you mama bear’

I remember looking ahead and responding without looking at you ‘drive. Do not make eye contact. If you do, I swear I will disable google on your phone so you stop googling and following health advice from a possibly 12 year’s old writing medical journals on the internet to mess with people’

You purchased a blood pressure monitor the very next day, as you were still paranoid. You tested yourself, multiple times..in the next couple of days. Well, apparently, when you stopped adding sea salt to your water bottle, shaking it as if you were back in chemistry lab in one of your high school classes..watching the bubbles form..you..were….cured! Your blood pressure..magically, became, normal, every single time you tested

Fast forward to yesterday, after you came in through the door…and looked innocently at me still sitting crossed legged in shock on the floor…after spending over forty minutes talking to…her..on the phone. I got up, walked to your brand new blood pressure monitor sitting on the console table, picked it up…looked at it…flashback of the agonizing night at The ER..and watched it smash into pieces

Your heart..is fine. But what about…mine? Who’s going to take my broken heart to the ER?! Who is going to..fix it?!

Monsters

It’s 3:16 am

I am wide awake

If I fall back asleep, would I dream of a place..where nothing is red?

What hags must I trick? What riddles must I solve…to get through to you? To me?

All the monsters were let out of their cages yesterday…all day…all the way…until I closed my eyes..and finally went to sleep for a couple hours

I acted..as if I wasn’t scared of them. I acted as if, I adored them instead!

I kept watching my own reflection, sway from side to side, in front of my eyes..all day yesterday _All while fully aware, the idea of monsters and reflection, has always been, a contentious one_ And so I kept wondering, why then, do I see my reflection in, you?

Such strange phenomenon you and I are

We don’t fear our monsters, you and I. Could it be…because, all this time, all these years on earth and in the underground, the monsters, have been us?

We came into this world, to save it. We fought and fought and..fought, until our hearts bruised and our souls bled. Until, I wiped the blood off your chin, and I sang you…..to sleep. As I was always the stronger one

But last night…I found all your pieces on the floor, and I put them together one by one..while you drifted away. I thought I was almost there, but then you murmured in your sleep…”you are the reason I was mangled”…”you are the reason, I was broken” And I sat there…still putting you together..shocked…sad…but refusing to cry

“I’m a witch, a dark queen”…I kept thinking, reaching down and picking up more of your pieces

“I am a witch, a dark queen’…One more piece to put you together. I will leave after, and never come back

But then I watched you shift your head towards me..and heard you murmur again “I like your sharp nails. I like your horns. You are, my kind of monster”