Denver & Weimaraners

I can’t write lately. It feels as if, all the interesting words and expressions, have decided to join hands and jump out the edge of both of ears, out of my brain..they went! All they left me, was buckets of fog and confusion.

So I’ve decided, I am going to Denver to find ‘me’. Or at least, part of me. Fingers crossed it’s still there. (The part of me)

My love for adventure and solo travel, is taking me all the way to Colorado. Two wonderful Weimaraners will be my only companions. Murphy & Guinness.

Life has been busy lately and as usual for me, the excitement and preparation for a trip, always has to wait until the last minute! I realize this sounds strange.

What is more strange? I have no interest in visiting Boulder (at least this time)! I am a downtown junky. Not the high-rise buildings part usually! Rather the quieter but still very urbanized areas. Watching life unfolds, experiencing live music scenes, trying out delicious street food…etc etc

I will try to chronicle my Denver adventure.

Any advice, comment, recommendation about Denver?

I leave you with a bit of an amazing “Strumbellas” concert a couple nights ago.

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Just another smudge added to the canvas of my ‘one day’ novel.

* * *

They arrived. Filled the house with chatter. There were showers being taken, meals getting prepared, a dinner table surrounded by chairs..and people! Then, they left.

The house is suddenly so quiet, again! And her heart wants to shatter into milion little pieces… but she’s trying hard to fight the feeling of emptiness beginning to settle in!

‘I’d love to be completely alone for at least 3 days.’ She thought to herself! Clutching her wine glass.

At 5pm every single day, Cinderella turns into a ‘happy’ pumpkin. She has no other choice….When she’d rather, just be truthful to her feelings of ‘all the missing’, and all that ruthless, inescapable and very poignant sense of…void.

She does not need to shed sticky tears… She just needs space to adjust back into her very quiet life. Any human, will unfortunately disturb her fragile walls of ‘I’m ok’ right now. No matter who they are. But her daily companion, will be coming home soon, demanding attention. Something, she’d rather give to…an imaginary faraway lover, instead.

She usually keeps her kitchen very tidy. Nothing is out of place. But on a day like today, leaving it in disarray until the hostage taking hour arrives, means, a carte blanche to an hour of temporary freedom!

She would rather be cleaning her kitchen alone, than performing her ‘happy’ dance like a well trained jovial circus elephant!

Bird

Meet Dopey. A female Downy Woodpecker. She came to visit but decided to go through the window instead of asking me to come outside to play. I immediately saw her, went outside and picked her up.

My friend Socks ‘the neighbour’s cat’ had just finished visiting minutes before and did complain while brushing against me outside ‘have not eaten lunch yet 😋!’ Soooooo glad he opted for a mouse instead and left on a mouse hunting mission before spotting Dopey laying there.

Dopey was stunt! I massaged her little heart. It was beating incredibly fast. Then, I’d cradle her gently close to me while very gently stroking her feathers on her little head. whispering at her the whole time ‘hang in there! Please hang in there little one! Don’t give up!! Stay with me!!’

Five minutes or so passed. My new green coffee delivery had just arrived! And instead of helping, I left the big mount of wrapped up coffee sacks on the pallet, and decided Dopey needed me. I had to make sure I do everything I can so she’ll live.

When I knew her heart was normalizing, and her eyes were starting to open, I decided to put her in a box over a towel, after poking holes.

I kept watching her until she was all rested and no longer comatose! Poor thing.

Then? I opened the box, she flew flawlessly to a tree about 30’ away.

I knew then Dopey was going to be ok

“Phone conversation with my mom”

My mom: you keep saying you were ‘delivering coffee’! what happened to your design career!? (My mom has stubbornly refused to understand the concept of me roasting coffee for a living the past 7 years).

Me: I like it mom! It’s what I do! I have Charlotte and Andrew with me in the car! What could be better? /I’m evil! playing with my mom knowing she will never guess who that was, and it WORKED/

My mom: you take your friends with you to deliver your coffee?

Me: nope! Char is my dog! Andrew is Andrew Bird

My mom: you take your dog AND YOUR BRID WITH YOU IN THE CAR?

Me: /trying soooo hard not to kill myself laughing as she will not forgive me/. Yes mom I take The Bird AND the dog :)))!

Hahahahahahaha

For Amanda

A friend once said to me ‘..enjoying very simple things, ignoring what is pushed as “good” or “beautiful” or “popular” makes a person an outsider by choice.’

As I sit here early morning, moderately agonizing over what lately has been like a famish of inspiration, an unnatural drought of words, and a thin trickle of imagination where the literary river once used to scorch the earth with whimsy! I can’t help but think of you…

After discovering you ‘again’ lately, I am astonished by your strength!

I remember your poster pictures plastered on Toronto subway walls. Your golden Medusa locks! Your calm stare! I remember your warm strong voice! I remember how your lyrics used to make me wonder ‘how are you capable of such wisdom and deep human reflection?! You’re still in your early twenties?! I’m your age and I feel..I don’t know…anything at all!!!’

Years went by. I thought you had disappeared! I looked for you and couldn’t find you!

And right when I thought, your musical journey, and my foggy barren brain, are both now, a field of parched cracks, where no beautiful dark horses will be able to leave any imprints, you emerge!

Amanda Marshall, learning you had a concert in my town lately, filled me with profound joy! You were…here. Not in Toronto! Here…

The defertilzed earth of music and imagination, is greening up with massive luscious vines again! The once lifelessly flowing river of words and whimsy, is swooshing again in my head. I am no longer crossing to its other side, crying over…my dry feet.

You are simply different from the rest. Your choice of ‘enjoying very simple things, ignoring what pushed as “good” or “beautiful” or “popular”…made you an outsider by choice to many, but not to me!

Now I know why you had disappeared! Now I know, choosing to be an outsider, is what some of us need, to find ourselves. And now? I cannot stop listening to all your lyrics…revelling in the warmth of your voice and your… wisdom! Now I understand way much…better.

My Transient Butterfly

I listened for a while! I tried not to interrupt the vast flow of scattered words jumbled with gasps and tears… I tried not to stare at all the pitiful loss of control!

‘I loved him sssso mmmuch…gasp..’

This woman! This amazing friend of mine! This incredible…woman! Why?! I kept asking myself! The spell must be fabricated by a skilled and a very charming conjurer!

My beautiful friend, who has every reason to be up there…fluttering her iridescently glowing wings…spreading her delicate beauty around those who can feel it..those who can see it!

I wanted to grip both of her shoulders while facing her, look deep into her crying eyes, and utter ‘Butterfly, there’s soooo much sky out there! What are you doing down here?!!’

‘Butterfly, let the wind eddy your wings like you used to! Please!!! Just trust me! You can still…fly!’

Her fragile looking wings, folded and tattered, made her look heartrendingly vulnerable to my strong grip! I became afraid, what if my grip, kills such a delicate creature?! What if my grip, crushes those beautiful delicate yellow…blades?!

My transient butterfly of a friend! Let me help you…I wish I can.

Image by: Anton Darius

Let’s Laugh at Introversion o

I chopped firewood outside for 2 hours! Yes I’m ‘that’ scary!

Was feeling strong and on top of the world! So I decided ‘I’m going to build a fire outside’.

As soon as I got the fire going…it started to rain. I was trying not to yell unnecessary profanities at the sky and instead, went inside…and built another fire…indoors.

Spouse soon joined me! He kept throwing very unfunny jokes around and laughing! Alone…So I turned my face sideways away from the AMAZING fire I just built, and looked at him for a minute, then quietly smiled and said ‘..when does the football game start tonight?!’

i

Her eyes were full of so many things. I tried to guess…

Wonder, curiosity, mischievousness..but did I detect deep…sadness too?

Her eyes, they suddenly changed! And now they looked..lost! Staring into mine! Like the deepest wells…I could see..no bottom!

I had so many questions. But they forewarned me ‘don’t’. So I didn’t…