My Evening Thoughts

Going through pics from a trip to Toronto not too long ago! I am brought back to those days, when I was nearly skipping while walking the streets sometimes… That’s how happy I was there! Discovering places like, a really really old paper store full of stacks of gorgeous paper from all over the world! My eyes would feast and try hard to keep up with everything in front of them, above them, and to the side of them!

Or, an old untouched by time barbershop, sitting there for over 80 years! On Spadina Rd. When a haircut used to cost $2! And where an old cash register weighing probably more than a car, is still sitting there and still being used!!!!

How many times did I suddenly stop walking! My eyes wide open, wanting nothing more than…just to observe…all the details of everything old and beautiful and nostalgic and with AMAZING retro signage and it’s ALL still there!

What city, town, place made your heart skip with happiness while walking the streets? Please share

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Her Tired Mask

Her eyes opened. ‘Bad night sleep’ was the first thought that crossed her mind.

No she didn’t sleep well last night. Was not good. Was it too much coffee late in the day?! Was it going for a run in the early evening on that lonely trail full of the smell of fall?! That smell that everyone loves and usually describes with a romantic smile and gazing eyes! The one that she’s been trying to love all her life but she’s still not quite there…!

Ironically, she looks down at the dark velvety coffee face inside her cup, which is clutched close to her chest. ‘Coffee! What would I do without you?!…How would I reconcile with my achy brain?! If it wasn’t for you?!!?’

Today is a work day. It’s Monday. Shelves at the grocery store needs restocking with freshly roasted coffee. Invoices need to get dropped off. Online ordering sorted out…

Most of her tasks are done alone! Even working at her little coffee roasting lab, is yet another solitary job!

There are a lot of days, where she can focus on the positive, giggle her way throughout, especially when her spouse returns home at the end of the day! She’s not one to burden…others.

She is also one who loves to laugh, and who doesn’t forget the sad truth about the brevity of life, which usually causes her to want to laugh carelessly even more and more, at any given chance! These are all good things!

A giver by nature; yet a very very lousy and stingy receiver! Mostly due to her proud and private nature!

So how dare she complain?!

She dare not complain. She dare not share the heavy loneliness in the heart! No one will ever understand.

People’s reaction to her lifestyle, especially urbanites, usually takes on the shape of a colourful rainbow of admiration, laced with a bluish greyish halo of semi-hidden envy. They simply want to see, a romantic picture of a self employed woman swimming in a blissful utopian sea of freedom! They can’t see her inside! It’s extraneous to what they want to actually see! They will at best, spot an invalid sense of..well….tedium!

Combine that with a life long tendency to shy away from even ‘valid’ complaining, and you will be able to see a person who keeps a lot of feelings to herself.

She is feeling anxious as she looks at her watch!

She is still not used to letting her mask down ‘here’!

Then why is she writing all these private things for the world to see, you may ask!

Well…the honest answer to this will be, something like this: She’s trying it out! She’s trying to find out, if being honest ‘here’, is going to help her figure herself out! If opening the usually tightly shut little window in her chest, and setting those burdened imprisoned white doves called thoughts, free, is going to help her chest feel lighter!

Notice she said ‘thoughts’! She didn’t say ‘feelings’! It’s intentional. It’s an attempt to protect her from the anger of the dark towery figure, called Logic! The one that keeps pounding its ageing bony fist, on a table in front of her! A table constructed of wood and all …her thoughts! Asking her ‘what for?!’

-Personal sketch. It’s me, protecting me, from me.

Stories From My Café Days

The year was 2013. It started as the following:

My staff and I used to be busy making drinks behind the espresso bar at my little coffee shop, handing them out to smiling customers happy to get their hands on that warm cup of coffee.

we had our regulars, just as one would expect of a local café! However at times, I’d notice a ‘different’ type of face looking at me or not looking me, across the bar! I’d pick up on something, a clue of some sort if you will, a clue to their insides, a clue to something …off. And at that very moment, I’d make the drink, hand it out, smile and say ‘it’s on me’. And that’s how it all began. Me falling in love with something beyond continuously wiped down espresso bar counters, real estate square footage full of the aroma of coffee surrounding it, and the nostalgic noise of a milk steaming wand and the knocking of a portafilter.

I fell in love with something bigger. Something that changed those lonely moments for those customers, to something better and simply warmer. They were coming to my coffeeshop thinking they were seeking the warmth of a cup of coffee, but in reality, a lot of times…they were seeking a little bit of warmth for their ‘souls’, before the warmth reached their hands or just about! And that’s the part I was glad to be able to change, even if it was just at those very brief instances.

The story didn’t stop there, and rather continued to grow! Customers started coming back later, to say thank you for the coffee gesture! And they started sharing how that simple gesture made them feel at that moment! How sometimes that simple act of kindness, managed to go a bit or sometimes a lot further, it managed to make their day, better than they had expected it to turn out to be.

Very soon, the story took an expected turn, when customers started asking if they could offer that same gesture to random others! They asked if they could purchase a cup of coffee for a random stranger visiting whenever! Of course I said yes. And ‘that’s’ when the actual magic happened.

Even to this day, I still hang on to letters people had written down in those glorious days, to a lucky receiver! They wrote them while smiling, after purchasing a pay it forward coffee, for another person who would come after them, and not necessarily immediately after them. They ‘knew’ what it was going to feel like, they had experienced it. And it grew like a wildfire from there….

I remember having very generous donors too. We sometimes handed out free coffee for an entire day!!! It sounds crazy! But it did happen! And in a world full of scepticism?! It was a wonderful contrary reality! and an amazing story of community, simple care for each other and ..warmth.

Those were the best days of my life. Not just taking pride at offering a great latte or an amazing cup of cappuccino, but to change people’s lives even if it’s only in very brief and perhaps fleeting moments! To create warmth and watch it grow.

For someone who’s a non-dreamer -I’m the non-dreamer- catching yourself SUDDENLY dreaming, is surprising, yet very exciting at the same time!

Fastforward to this week, 2018:

I’m a realist, I practice living in the moment; so it’s pretty difficult for someone like myself to dream! Yet I did just that! I had a dream of recreating that coffee shop I closed down 3 years ago! Who knows..!

Come Away With Me

What does Norah Jone’s ‘Come Away With Me’ mean to you?! What do you immediately think when you hear it?!

Note: Doesn’t have to be necessarily romantic! But if it is…it’s ok too.

I will be the first one to say what it means to me. It’s summarized in this comment I shared on https://alifelesslivedblog.wordpress.com

‘Trust your heart if the seas catch fire’
e.e. Cummings 

I always wonder, while watching others, (lots of them actually), go through life, afraid. Afraid to try. Afraid to trust!
A little smoke emerges!? They immediately gasp and run away freightened! /oh yes! I’m one of those people/

Imagine, just imagine…if there ARE actually people out there, who would trust if ‘the seas catch fire’! Those are the people I will always be looking for! To learn from and get inspired by. Do they exist?! That’s the question

Photo credit: Unsplash

Logic Is Back

Considering my decision to not follow any rules in my writings here! And considering I joyously and proudly declare, the full proprietary of this humble site! Where yours truly…will sometimes reign, sometimes bow, laugh, weep (gosh I hope not), show anger (voice: tone it down now child, no need to terrify -voice lowered down to near whisper –ahem..quite remotely really- voice normal again- possible visitors…just..jussst toooone it dowwwwn)!

I recomposed myself and I shall now continue…

I’m now sitting in my comfortable semi Sukhasana pose (don’t ask me how to pronounce it for you…/my right hand gesturing/ just..just say whatever! I’m not a fan of that word and neither should you..unless of course you want to be! In which case by all means go ahead).. where were we?!

Ah! I was describing my joy at my rediscovered logic about continuously swinging the door open, here! In my little apartment blog! -haven’t you heard?! I moved this am! From my previous little studio blog, to rrright ..here!- Yes yes this apartment isn’t that big either, but I don’t need a bedroom really so the open space is fine! But myyyyy Goodness..!!!! look at that view! :))))))

Where were we?! Back on subject:

So now, that I no longer believe in the validity of feeling embarrassed that I am writing too much in here! Now, that I am no longer apprehensive about ‘the rules’! I am…free :))))))

I can reflect wisely at times. I can open the little window to my feelings and emotions and let the sun shine on them! I can attempt to be humorous and make a fool of myself in the process at other times…and?! It’s ..all fine 🙂 At least fine with me! Please, If I overwhelm you at any point, please reserve your advice to doing this and doing that, as I won’t be listening :)! Kidding go ahead, tell me..

I am completely free from all the rules of how to write, for who and about what..etc etc etc

Welcome to my playground 🙂 ..hug?! um..maybe a light one! I’ve spent my life as a non-hugger. I went through all ‘the looks’ shot at me when an avid hugger would step forward and -head down- yes I have stepped backwards..at times! Extended my hand instead to cover up the obvious awkwardness of my action! Odd?! Just go ahead and say it! I accept your verdict! But before you hang me for my public display of utter nonconformity and disaffection, try to get to know me a little first! 🙂 I’m not that scary! Just a little …different! I am making an effort to become a born again hugger! Who feels comfortable at giving, and receiving a..hug!

Again, welcome to my playground! I have good coffee here! And may be a hug or two as I get more comfortable..So ..yah 🙂

Pic credit: Usplash

Get Up! I Am You

Get up.

Stop doubting!

This is for me…and you!

Don’t let your fears win.

🍁

Get up.

Go for your run!

Write those words!

Turn the shower on!

Brush your tangled hair.

Look in the mirror!

Take a swing at the fog…

You can do this!

🍁

Your body needs to move,

Your heart needs to get strengthened.

It’s easy to give in,

It’s easy not to see what’s there,

right in front of you!

🍁

I know your pain!

I’ve been there!

I too get used to all in-front of me,

I too stop seeing!

🍁

Get up.

Don’t say you don’t need my hug!

Why so proud?!

I know why!

As I am too.

I am ….you

But I won’t give up,

And neither will….

you.

Photo credit: Unsplash

The Wrinkles On Your Face

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Pic credit: unsplash.com

Why do the people we love have to get old?! Do you ever ask that question?! Parents, favourite actors, musicians etc..

Looking at a picture on my screen…I feel like screaming:

Why the shortening of that once graceful neck?! Why the disappearance of that little tilt to the upper lip that used to make me linger there..staring…looking…admiring..

Why the once proud posture, is now a harsh reminder of the power of time! The power of the years pulling on your vertebrae?!

My sad eyes move up to your face…

I love the wrinkles on your face!

My eyes are now lit! My fingers trace the dips, the valleys, the sudden appearance of smoothness in between…I see your wrinkles…they don’t scare me! I actually love them.