One Unproductive And Very Strange Day

10:35 pm

What a day this day has been…

I didn’t do any work today! I couldn’t!

My emotions were running wildly all day! Swimming freely in a foreign glistening sea I could have sworn I heard them giggle..

Refusing to listen to me all day long..They took off and snatched my soul and ran with it…teasing ‘come catch it’..I tried running after them…But they’d swerve, run and jump…I was out of breath.

My soul looked helpless, defenceless, like a frightened little orphan…its wide open eyes..glancing back at me through their careless hands tossing it between them back and forth…more giggles…’come catch it’ enchantingly they kept repeating…..

My arms are stretched forward…my fingers spread…pleading…I try to continue running after them…breathless! My long dress floats and twists..At which point, I stumble and fall…My emotions stop dead in their track..For the first time, they looked concerned! Their rawness! Striking…

They run back towards me…they pick me up, dust me off…hugs followed! They hand me back my trembling soul..it looked dusty and still very frightened! It clings to me! I reach my hand and pull it close to me..protecting it from…them! My grip is stronger than ever!

Their mischievous smiles suddenly reappear! They whisper while jumping around me encircling me and my orphan like soul ‘don’t let us get your soul again…we may not give it back next time…carefulllllll!’ Giggles while they slowly disappeared.

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Let’s Not Talk

The evening closed early…

Driving back to their house after their dinner…They both stared quietly at the road ahead..

She decided to break the semi-awkward silence. Pressed the play button, a very very old song began to play…The acoustic guitar, the pounding drums, the strong masculine voice demanding…ordering.. It all soon filled the space and started to compete with the flashing lights of the opposite cars passing theirs…

A faire pâlir tous les Marquis de Sade, 
A faire rougir les putains de la rade, 
A faire crier grâce à  tous les échos, 
A faire trembler les murs de Jéricho, 
Je vais t’aimer.

Words ringing inside her head as ‘the night begs to grow old and whiten..’ Such beautiful imagery…

He looks at her! His eyes questioning her musical taste! He smiles…She smiles back ‘what?! You know I pretty much have every genre in my musical collection! Old, new, jazz, classical, pop, and a LOT of indie too!’

He nods…She’s forgiven

The song continues to play…The darkness outside stretches ahead but looks much more softer now…Its shadowy wings are way less jarring and the loneliness in her heart…starts to melt away into puddles of nostalgic sunset imagery of faraway land…A land full of …endless possibilities

Who Am I

This bird! I spotted him, and immediately fell in love

Today started out really well! It’s Friday. My list was already sitting crossed legged on the yellow chair in my bedroom, waiting for me to wake up! Its (yes it’s an ‘it’ as it has no soul) narrowing eyes, watching me adjust the pillows behind my head as I woke!

I glance at it! …I don’t dare saying ‘well..would you bring me coffee first at least!’ Considering, my lovely spouse brought me a freshly pressed coffee before leaving as he usually does every single morning! It’s waiting for me on my night table! I close my eyes…take my first sip…’I am incredibly incredibly lucky! What a wonderful man!’

The list however, isn’t as wonderful. It’s still sitting there watching me.

I refuse to look its way! I look through the windows at the waking forest instead! Then, when it’s time, I gather all the pieces that make up my broken courage, I put them together to make it all whole again! My courage, takes on a recognizable face now! I tilt my head up from staring at the pieces forming the face, the face of my courage…

As I slowly raise my head, my eyes, move upwards with it…and in what feels like a slow motion…I am now looking straight at the list, which is now leaning forward impatiently! Its legs no longer crossed!

I quietly but sternly say ‘not today!’…

The list gets up…starts pacing…making all different kinds of hand gestures while talking vastly and repeating itself nervously ‘but but..you need to do x! Or x won’t get done and you’ll end up feeling like a failure! I’m trying to protect you! From you! Get up! Start working! Get your ‘list’ done!’

Me: ‘…not today’

See?!!!! It all started well!

There’s a bounce to my steps down the stairs! I’m feeling light and proud of my sublime list dismissal! Today is all mine…or so I thought!

Downstairs in the kitchen now…I put on some really sweet jazz…I start making my breakfast…refusing to rush as I usually do!

The sun is warm…its rays keep giving me an abundance of wonderful hugs…I’m sitting down alone…having breakfast!

I finish breakfast! All of the sudden, shadows appear!

Why?!

I need to figure this out! Why the shadows suddenly?! What are they telling me?! Hidden yesrnings inside?! But for WHAT exactly?! What do I need?! How can I make it happen?! How can I make it reveal itself so I can take care of it?!

Who am I?!

Welcome, have a seat

Personal sketch

Good morning…

Good morning to you whoever you are reading this…And welcome to my little studio room of a blog. Please let me take your coat. Please have a seat…oh..not that chair! It’s sacred! It’s mine! Just sit here in this one right beside it! :)..Please don’t get alarmed!…I hope my ‘directing’ approach to seating choices, did not..well.. make you uncomfortable! The opposite is in fact intended!

Please relax and try to understand this: (I’m saying this while smiling at you to shower you with ease! Please allow me)! I am picky! I have my favourite seat where looking at you sitting to my right, feels so much better than tilting my head left to talk to you! (Messing with you ;)..I actually just love that chair and you will have to earn me offering it to you one day! Hope you’ll get there..but please don’t rush! I won’t be ! 🙂

I just walked to the kitchen to get you coffee! ‘How do you like your coffee?! :)’I ask!

You: ‘A bit of cream and sugar would be great!’

I’m immediately perplexed! I’m a coffee fanatic! Cream and sugar added to pure black silk, is the biggest sin in my coffee world! No no no! Not a coffee snub! I just prefer ‘good coffee’..black. Stripped from unnecessary additives that’ll interfere with its glory and holly taste! No need to mask those wonderful flavours, those dancing in your mouth, skipping up and down and jumping all over your tongue..nuances…

No no no! Not a coffee snub!

(Head down..quietly and nearly whispering)..yes yes ..yes..a total coffee snub.

Of course, I don’t reveal any of my (I’m in fact a terrible host) coffee related thoughts!

‘A bit’ of cream and sugar?! Sure! Here it comes…as I continue walking towards my kitchen.

My eyes smile at you again first..to extend and renew my welcome, after clumsily instructing you of where to sit! Please forgive me.

Where were we?!

I hand you your coffee…You set it on the table! I smile quietly at you!

See! I’m used to people who know ‘my coffee’ nearly snatching it out of my hand, closing their eyes, and taking a slow savouring sip! It pleases me. It shows I did well! Obsessing over temperature fluctuations during my coffee roasting process! Testing, smelling, detecting little grains in the bean…is it perfect? Is the (S) graph on the computer screen, adjacent to the roaster, following its steady rise?! And so many other nerdy variables I must go through during the process of coffee roasting…It’s a labour of love. A cliché phrase! Wish I can come up with a better one! One day perhaps…

You haven’t taken a sip yet! Please do. Please don’t be nervous! And ….

Welcome to my little studio blog, where the sign on my door says ‘Open’!

Glad you found it as I continue to refuse to put signs on the road leading wanderers to me! This is my sacred little space! Where I can be free to be me! Where my unverbalized peculiarities, feelings, thoughts and emotions that I guard and protect very carefully, get to dance in the sunlight! Where the dark becomes blinding light. Where I can twirl, jump on chairs (not my favourite one of course unless I want to break even that rule) and where I can play my classical music very loudly and very quietly at times. Where I make rules then break them. Where I can hold the birds I befriended outside my door, watching them trusting me to carry them around…fluttering around me…loving me as I love them. No strings attached…we all fly together.

Note: I have not edited this yet..it’s raw and imperfect and perhaps full of spelling and grammar mistakes and I love it! But I will (embellish after I finish my coffee) I think…

My Music..My Runaway Feelings

Personal sketch

“We build It up

We tear it down

Leave our pieces on the ground”

A song by Rob Thomas.

Emotional! Very emotional.

I am one of those strange people who can play a certain song on repeat loud in their ears, yet can neither watch a movie twice, nor read a book more than once.

Very strange! I know!

Rob Thomas’s song is blasted in my ears! I can feel my emotions rising! I can feel nostalgia setting in. I can feel that sharp sting of my ‘yearning’. A yearning towards faces, places, warmth…

All of my yearnings are now becoming a jumble in my psyche! They abruptly drift in many different directions, then come back and violently smash into each other! I am helpless…They control me.

The only time they slow down a little, is when I pay attention to the sound of the piano and the ever sweet interjection of the violin at the end of the song.

Part of my soul feels thrilled, at feeling…I am …feeling…I feel alive.

My extremely quiet life, combined with a few other facts: – An introverted nature. – Little actual interaction with humans on a daily basis. – Being self-employed, and making my own rules of not having to encounter face to face meetings with my customers, all make it incredibly quiet all around me most of the time…

In the end…I hear me saying in my head: ‘I am not used to intense feelings any longer!’ At the same time…I know that I do feel a lot when given a chance. Or rather, when I take the chance to feel!

I sit down..the song is still blasted in my ears…I start questioning the validity of this emotional high I’m in. What for?! I ask myself. I don’t find a logical answer. The little voice jumps back in ‘switch if off…or you’ll start texting your sister telling her you miss her’. /was worse than that actually;)/.

I immediately switch to something completely different: ‘Pachellbel’s Canon in D Major’. Yes yes the same AMAZING piece they butchered, sliced and ripped to shreds in order to play redundantly in weddings! Yes yes YES..it breaks my heart they did that and still do it everyday to one of my absolute favourite classical music pieces!

I immediately calm down. My emotions calm right down. I’m now transformed into a floating being…I’m floating slowly down a beautiful stream…I am staring at the sky above me…The music is filling my ears…The rhythm is incredibly soothing…I’m in it..it’s in me…we are one…

Music is magical! I couldn’t live without it…

It has the power to make me feel, even when my life does not support a whole lot of the feeling business. Even when, my logic always tries to intervene to protect me from feeling. Even when, my fears of feeling too much and getting hurt…surround me.

“The Squirmy Introverted Beast”

Getting back into the routine of things after a vacation, proved to be somewhat hard this time around!

See, for an introvert, it’s always difficult to be with someone ‘anyone’ for a longer period of time! And despite the fact that she was fully aware of being one, she still wanted to think, she had finally managed, to not allow her introversion to show its snarly teeth, during vacation time with her spouse!

Yes, she succeed! She can raise her arm above her head, pat herself on the back, and say congratulations on managing her introversion tendencies during a three week vacay time! But now what?!…

Since they’ve been back, it’s been a bit harder to tame the introverted beast twisting and squirming inside of her!

It’s been 4 days! The early snow fall of the season, made it feel like being trapped inside that house of theirs!

The introverted beast demanded out! It demanded its basic rights to be recognized…like stretching out its folded introverted limbs! Then it rapidly started to show signs of near rebellion! What’s she to do?!…

Tomorrow will be different -She told the introverted squirmy beast inside her soul! Attempting to quiet it down- Tomorrow, I will have my first few hours alone! I will cut you loose. I will set you free. I will have coffee with you after you stretch out of your cage.

“The Unbearable Vulnerability of a Snowflake”

What is life!

Why do we live!

Why do we have coffee?

Why do we cook dinner?

Why do we do a lot of things?

She sat there…the snow is still falling for what felt like eternity…It showed no intention of stopping.

The windows that stretched from floor to ceiling, looked like…they were sticking their tongues out at her…as if mocking ‘LOOK….double dare you not to! Snow, snow and more snow…look’.

She sighed.

The white flakes kept showing their vulnerability to gravity…down…down…they slowly and helplessly took the journey downwards…landing on top of each other…their brethren and sistren laying flat underneath, had no say in the matter!

They looked as if, they simply resigned to just laying there…waiting for more of their ghostly white family members to arrive and pile on.

‘Own sketch’/not signed. I sometimes forget to sign my art…