Urgent Care

I drove myself to ‘Urgent Care’ this afternoon. It’s what they call emergency health centres here. It’s not a hospital but very close.

I rarely get sick.

I’ve been feeling unwell since the last coffee event ended. I kept expecting to get better. I’m a healthy human. I am not used to hospitals and all the poking and prodding.

When I started to shiver last night, I knew I wasn’t well. Considering I hardly ever get the flu, I knew it wasn’t that. Then what was it? What was causing the fever, all the aches and the pain?!

Stress.

They were incredibly kind to me at Urgent Care. The male nurse commented on my sunny yellow coveralls. I decided on those yellow coveralls quickly. Or, was I feeling subconsciously optimistic that my pain will soon end with medical care being provided?!

‘I like your outfit’. He said smiling while taking my temperature!! I managed a’…Thank you!…’

He then left quickly and came back with 2 Tylenol and a little plastic hospital water cup. He asked me to take them to start feeling better quickly. I obeyed and swallowed the Tylenol.

He promised I will be seen soon.

More tests followed. More nurses fussing around. But everyone was really nice. I appreciated that. I needed..that. I was alone.

The drive to Urgent Care was not pleasant. I ended up in the wrong spot first. Then had to find the right direction. I really wanted to get there fast. So one can imagine, my disappointment at wasting time going to the wrong address. Thankfully, I finally made it.

What I had, was basically fatigue and severe dehydration. The doctor said ‘my immune system became compromised due to the stress’. She gave me a prescription. I had no idea that stress could cause all these issues. Fever, chills, aches, severe headache.

I thanked the doctor and left.

I then drove to the pharmacy. Picked up my prescription. And drove to a business meeting. I did.

The Tylenol made me feel I could go through my meeting. It was supposed to be a short one. So I did. I don’t like cancelling on others if I can help it.

Images of ‘The dead deer” kept flashing into my head during the drive back to my house. But that’s for another day…

For now, I just want to get better. And I’ve actually been moving really well since I got home. The doctor said I needed to rest! But knowing what was really wrong with me, and starting my first dose of my meds, filled me with optimism so I smiled and ..even had a coffee. I missed my coffee this morning.

I Am Not Me

Writing is cathartic. At least at times. We can all agree on that.

We sometimes write to feel free. We write to cleanse ourselves from all the shadows. We write to understand, as when we see the words forming in front of our eyes, our thoughts start to make more sense.

Lately, my health took a hit. The unkindness of the world was just so much to bear.

Yes I was offered so many apologies. Yes I was praised by some for standing up without feeling afraid. Especially, I live in a world whose walls are made of stacks over stacks of…friendly smiles! A world, whose rooms are illuminated by weak dusty unattractive fluorescent bulbs of pretentious friendships and fake sincerity. However, what I didn’t realize, my strength to stand up for my values, came at a price of my physical body. Something I did not expect will happen.

I dislike conflict. I generally need harmony around me to continue smiling. But when I’m pushed, I stand up. Fear has no place in my soul when that happens. I form my solid arguments and present them calmly but sternly. I ask questions. I refuse to be lulled by infuriating fake diplomacy. The more you lie to me, the clearer my mind becomes with my arguments. I will challenge you until you tell the truth. If you do, I will respect your admission and work on forgiveness. If you don’t, I run away from you and you will never see me again. My ears will turn deaf to your pleadings of my importance in your life. You simply stop existing and your tears don’t make any difference to me. I will not fall for them. I will quietly advice you to get up, I may even help you up. I will try to say goodbye in the least hurtful way. I will try to encourage you to learn from this experience and to move forward from it. But I will walk away. To protect me.

————————–

The contrast between personality strength and…physical one…is baffling!

Something in me changed in the last little while.

It’s not all bad. Not at all. I still create. I still work hard. But I sleep way more and my body asks me for continuous rest. It’s normal. Can’t you say?!

My spouse came home yesterday and laughed at my choice of attire while I was outside having a break.

I was having coffee with the dog, wearing a baggy cat printed dress and a long sweater on top. Socks in Birks 👍. It’s always cold around here!! Who am I turning to?!

I also withdrew from anyone I detect is going to ask questions to feed some deep well of faulty curiosity. I discuss nothing of the latest events. I talk to no one, unless, the conversation has a purpose. Sadly something incredibly rare in my world. So I just talk to my one neighbour about art, ideas, combining art and creativity with business! Things I still find passion for.

Humans. A lot of them tire me. They’re fascinated by my strong personality, creativity, business mind! But above all, they sense my sincerity in the way I live my life, and maybe that makes them..unsettled? I have no idea anymore.

Why is it rare to be sincere and honest these days?! Why did we lose our way?! Why can’t we….stop tearing others down to feel good about ourselves?! Is it the pain we feel, the frustration inside over our own failures or the failures of our loved ones, that strip away the good soil, and leaves us a lousy depleted soul?!

My own issue these days is, or at least one of them_for the sake of truthfulness and reality_ is my lack of interest in fixing the world. I find it works better for me to withdraw. I am no longer interested in finding out the real core of everyone’s issues. And the reason?!! ‘Everyone has them!’. Including me. We all have deep unresolved issues. However, hurting others due to our own unresolved issues, is not an excuse. I strongly believe, we can still be good people, no matter the pain inside. It’s a ‘choice’.

I don’t know where this world is going. Like I already mentioned, I am not interested in fixing it. I just want to live my life in peace. There’s still so much to discover. Still a lot of fun to experience. Stories to write. Stories to learn from. Countries and places to visit. Big huge seas to stand on their shores and feel the breeze and fill my lungs with it all…

I miss the ocean. Is that why I feel lost?! Do I need it to bring me back to who I used to be?! A child of the sun and the beach!

I think it’s time for me to leave this place for at least a week. On my own off I go…

  • Knowing me, I will not travel to a beached resort. I’ll get bored within a day. I will probably go to Toronto. It’s home. It’s where I can wander like a little girl mesmerized by history and variety. People will say I’m crazy considering out of all the choices I have, I ‘again’ chose TO! They only think of the skyscrapers and the chaos of the herds running downtown. I on the other hand, think of that French lady in Kensington Market, her old French music playing nostalgically in her very very old book store. Her giving me her back, bent over some musty old book, trying to find me information about …a random question I asked her. I smile, watching her. Her sincerity is real. Her keenness isn’t illusory! She’s not pretending. She’s herself.
  • I think of old brick houses with rose bushes in the front. I think of the old Art Deco furniture store full of stunning old fixtures and chairs. I’m free to browse and admire all the history without interruption.
  • I think of, strolling at 10:30 pm down Bathurst for a bite on a patio. No one knows me. No one asks me questions. I’m alone, watching the world unfold.
  • Baker

    I am a baker today. And I love it. I threw an ad in for Easter French Macs the other day. I had to close it down within 2 hours instead of waiting until 7 pm like the initial ad said. The orders came in very quick. And a few Baby Shower Macaron centrepieces!!! I’ve been working on ‘demos’ and the pictures so far look promising. Although I must work quick. Then on to the next project. So excuse the imperfections in the pics below.

    Yes I am enjoying a moment of feeling smart and proud.

    Do I need to remind myself of ‘all’ my imperfections to feed my fascination with being a realist?! Perhaps.

    I do make mistakes. The biggest one, I believe, is still getting shocked over others feeling threatened when I succeed! Yes there’s sabotage around etc etc; which I have come to realize, it will always be there. But I needn’t be shocked and sad inside when it happens. I need to work on that. And yes this may mean becoming less trusting and more…aware?! Or cynical?! It is a bit sad when one stops to think about it. But the key, is to use it to grow and learn. Reading about it, digging deep into the right and wrong ways of reacting.

    I would like to start smiling when I feel I am being sabotaged. I do. Not in a ‘challenging’ way! Not at all! Rather in a calm peaceful way. I am not going to pretend I am interested in the whys and the reasons. I am not. All I want, is to ‘accept’ it and move on. No more lingering. No more …shock. It’s counter productive and fruitless. It gets you nowhere.

    This is my next goal after this wave of busyness reaches shore.

    My life goes from really quite, to crazy busy. I don’t really mind. But when I stop to think about it, I realize I do wear so many hats, yet I do focus on task when I’m working. There’s no lack of focus. And that’s good, considering it is a bit crazy to do all this stuff.

    Corporate Designer, every now and then.

    Coffee Entrepreneur, everyday.

    Artist, when I find the time and I need the world to just quiet down.

    Ponderer of why this world makes absolutely no sense to me, every single second.

    But today, I am a French Macaron baker.

    I will be spending another day baking Easter orders. My apron is on. My background French Café music is my only companion. And I’ll be busy but happy.

    She- Part II

    After she took a sip of her coffee in what seemed like a completely unmeditated way, still obviously very absorbed in her deep thoughts, her eyes finally did this slow journey from gazing aimlessly through the glass panels, to suddenly examining passer by, then to the tables of people sitting around us, then..to my face. She was now back to our reality!

    I couldn’t help but feel a little relieved!

    She hesitated as if about to say something she is going to later regret…He mouth opened and did a little gasp, then closed again. Her bottom teeth then, grabbed her upper lip and bit switching from side to another. As if conspiring to prevent her from opening her mouth. Afraid of all the secrets spilling out and drowning her in the midst?! Perhaps…

    Her eyes_now staring into mine_ gave out a sense of sudden determination. They betrayed her restrained lips and told me ‘we are doing this. We are ..doing this..’

    ‘I need to purge my thoughts. I don’t particularly have anyone that I can call or even if I did actually find someone to call, I don’t believe I will find the right words to describe all the confusion I have bottled inside.’ She said in a voice she was obviously attempting very hard to keep neutral, but couldn’t quite control to that extent. Her voice, wore a loud coloured secret! One she was obviously trying to conceal! The loud colour of a very sad soul. At least at that very moment.

    We sat there facing each other for about a minute. Neither one of us said anything. I think I smiled to encourage her to continue, but I decided to remain quiet and waited for her next move..or word.

    So, that’s why she’s here this morning!…I thought to myself while I was sitting there quietly listening, offering her a little nod every now and then! Assuring her I am safe. She…is safe…to share.

    She began to carefully lay down all the injured birds trapped inside her little tiny rip cage. How on earth could she have had all of them..fit in there?! I stopped nodding. But I tried to remain composed.

    ________________

    Image: Jakob Kaputsnak/unsplash

    Chaos

    – This busyness of life is not helping you much, is it?!

    – I don’t think so.

    – Your latest poster was sent to print. You did a great job on the design.

    – No. I used to do great design work! I’m all washed out now.

    – I disagree! You also baked hundreds of colourful beautiful and delicious French Macarons! You did amazing!

    – Thanks. But please stop.

    Silence …

    – Can I At least ask you a question?!

    – Sure..

    – Please don’t get upset! But…how come you laugh a lot?! How come..you go to all these functions?! ..How come you look confident and strong and and..and with it?! Perfectly with it!

    – No idea.

    – Can you describe your thoughts to me?! I promise to try to understand.

    -……

    – …At least try!

    -……

    – Do you think all these feelings you have, are warranted?!

    – Highly doubt it.

    -…Then why are you giving in to them?!

    -….I’m not giving in to them! They’ve been ruling my waking hours, and tormenting my sleep!

    – Is there a solution to this?!

    – ..You don’t have to stay here.

    – I am not asking you out of spite! I’m simply trying to help you get out of your head!

    -… Your tone is unappreciated…

    – I am really sorry. ….I just would like to understand your thought process! Maybe then, I can come up with something!

    – How can you when I don’t understand any of this myself?!

    -….Can I make you tea?! Let’s have tea!

    A faint smile emerges.

    -… please. But…

    – But What?!

    -…Can you hug me and not talk?!

    – Yes

    _______________________________

    image: Marco Bianchetti/unsplash