I watched the interviews…
I listened to your lovely Irish accent! And I could not believe, how lovely you are as a whole! As a person!
Your words are genuine. There is no shiny glamorous cloak covering your tiny figure, aiming to charm and distract from who you really are inside! You are simply..you. And it’s clear, very clear, you choose to be.
Another thing struck me while watching one of your interviews! When you described how you’d rather, sit with a local you’ve never met at a random bar_talk about his farm etc_over the glamorous party you are supposed to be at, across the road! You immediately earned my admiration.
When I lived in Ontario, The Cranberries used to have a cottage not too far from my house. I did not really pay attention at the time, except that my neighbour in those days, used to be the instrumental technician for the band. I still did not pay attention. I wish I did, maybe he would have told me about..you. As now? I am hungry for every detail.
All I know is, your talent lives. Your grace also lives. Your sad eyes…will always be in my mind…And all I can hope, is that you are laughing more ‘now’! Much much more.
I will not question why you left so early. I respect your pain. I respect your choice. And above all…I wasn’t there. No one was. Only, you. Only you know.
Do you ever feel, as if all your emotions are rising suddenly to the pit of your stomach?!
Do you ever feel, overwhelmed, over the lack of control?! your lack of control?! You have no idea why you feel all this sudden missing!!! You, are, missing people! You, are, a little upset at some, the ones you gave so much to…wanting to hug certain ones and tell them you’re sorry for whatever pain you may have caused them, wishing you can sit right at this moment with others…chat, share a joke or two, feel the quiet uplifting harmony one feels when with ones they trust deeply!
Do you ever, look at your ageing dog, and wonder…how come, you remember when she was just a three months old puppy, as if it was just..yesterday?! The sweet smell of her puppy fur?! The tenderness that sinks in your heart when you smile watching her darling pink belly!? ‘She was so young!! How did she become this greying, tired senior dog?! Did that just happen overnight?!’
Do you ever, give your head a shake, then take a sip of your cup of coffee..look out the window at the fog gathering outside…You are standing there..hearing yourself whisper, while your hands clutching your now lukewarm cup…raising it to your face..all while hoping..your senses, any of your senses..will still manage to find some leftover warmth…’it’s just a nostalgic fall day! You better get over all this nostalgia really quick…’
Everyone I know, loves the fall! Am I really the only one, who feels the weight, of the falling leaves!!!
But was close to being one during my trip to Denver!
Proud of spending 10 days on my own without doing anything that I may regret later!
I met amazing people! But only during my last 4 days there! The first 6? I relished in my loneliness and all the chaos that followed me from over a thousand miles away…all the way to? The mile high city!
On those days, I walked a lot, sat alone a lot, tried experiencing the food, coffee and brewery scenes! But my nerves were shot! My hand trembled holding coffee cups, beer glasses, gin glasses and sushi chopsticks!
I experienced sudden inability to swallow food and drinks at times! I had to rush to the ladies’ room so no one would notice!
I’d stay there till the ‘chocking’ episode would pass! Then I’d return to my table, feeling embarrassed! And hoping, no one had noticed!
The pups were my saviours when I’d return home! Snuggles…and more snuggles! Alexa drove me mental, as she would ignore my ‘normal’ voice, and would bully me to yell! I hate yelling.
Saying goodbye to the pups was hard..I tried my best to not shed any tears in front of them! They enjoyed me being happy around them! And I wanted to keep it that way until the last minute!
I miss them! A lot!