Her eyes opened. ‘Bad night sleep’ was the first thought that crossed her mind.
No she didn’t sleep well last night. Was not good. Was it too much coffee late in the day?! Was it going for a run in the early evening on that lonely trail full of the smell of fall?! That smell that everyone loves and usually describes with a romantic smile and gazing eyes! The one that she’s been trying to love all her life but she’s still not quite there…!
Ironically, she looks down at the dark velvety coffee face inside her cup, which is clutched close to her chest. ‘Coffee! What would I do without you?!…How would I reconcile with my achy brain?! If it wasn’t for you?!!?’
Today is a work day. It’s Monday. Shelves at the grocery store needs restocking with freshly roasted coffee. Invoices need to get dropped off. Online ordering sorted out…
Most of her tasks are done alone! Even working at her little coffee roasting lab, is yet another solitary job!
There are a lot of days, where she can focus on the positive, giggle her way throughout, especially when her spouse returns home at the end of the day! She’s not one to burden…others.
She is also one who loves to laugh, and who doesn’t forget the sad truth about the brevity of life, which usually causes her to want to laugh carelessly even more and more, at any given chance! These are all good things!
A giver by nature; yet a very very lousy and stingy receiver! Mostly due to her proud and private nature!
So how dare she complain?!
She dare not complain. She dare not share the heavy loneliness in the heart! No one will ever understand.
People’s reaction to her lifestyle, especially urbanites, usually takes on the shape of a colourful rainbow of admiration, laced with a bluish greyish halo of semi-hidden envy. They simply want to see, a romantic picture of a self employed woman swimming in a blissful utopian sea of freedom! They can’t see her inside! It’s extraneous to what they want to actually see! They will at best, spot an invalid sense of..well….tedium!
Combine that with a life long tendency to shy away from even ‘valid’ complaining, and you will be able to see a person who keeps a lot of feelings to herself.
She is feeling anxious as she looks at her watch!
She is still not used to letting her mask down ‘here’!
Then why is she writing all these private things for the world to see, you may ask!
Well…the honest answer to this will be, something like this: She’s trying it out! She’s trying to find out, if being honest ‘here’, is going to help her figure herself out! If opening the usually tightly shut little window in her chest, and setting those burdened imprisoned white doves called thoughts, free, is going to help her chest feel lighter!
Notice she said ‘thoughts’! She didn’t say ‘feelings’! It’s intentional. It’s an attempt to protect her from the anger of the dark towery figure, called Logic! The one that keeps pounding its ageing bony fist, on a table in front of her! A table constructed of wood and all …her thoughts! Asking her ‘what for?!’
-Personal sketch. It’s me, protecting me, from me.