Utter Confusion

She is sounding incredibly confusing right now!

She, is, one of my closest friends. She, is, about to ruin her life. Throw it all way.

You are wondering why! I will tell you why!

Sometimes, humans, just revert to their very primal and basically?! ‘Just..bizarre needs’ of love and connection. That’s how ‘I’ see it! But then, I’m a a cynic! So while you read this, don’t take my approach very seriously! And that is fine with me. Fist pump?! Anyone?! No? That’s ok..

My friend, is falling for a man.

My friend, is not ‘even sure’..she can call it ‘falling’! Gaaaaaa! Ok ok …I’m biting my tongue at this point. ‘Go on’, I ushered her to continue! But ‘I’ am ready to hit the next bar and down a bunch of tequila shots! Wait! I hate tequila!

Back to our story…

My crazy friend, wants sympathy. As I sit there, wanting to just drive her to a hairdresser and give her a zero buzz and send her off to Tibet! Maybe she needs to hangout with some wise monks, until she comes back to her senses.

– – – –

Her: I am attracted to him spiritually (dreamy eyes telling me this: I am in so deep with my attraction, physically too) While twirling a stand of her hair

Me: …Silence and dreaming of a cold….Gin… to put me out of my misery! RIGHT NOW! Bartender keep it coming! But we are at? A freakin coffee shop! Of course! Picture me leaning back into my seat, tapping my hand ‘lightly’ on the table in sad protesting surrender?! Yup!…a coffee shop! I mean?! What else am I supposed to do?! Ask the young beautifully tattooed barista for his ‘stash’! Hmmm..Sounds..very appealing right now…But nah..I may get him fired. Coffee it is…Big sigh.

Her: I don’t need to ‘define’ the relationship! I’m ok just…being with him!

Me: …my eyes are glazing over. Wanting to say ‘honey bunch! No one! NO ONE! Look at me: NO ONE, wants to just ‘be’ with you! Unless (and there’s a very small list I won’t go through right now, as it’s unnecessary at this point), but yah, no one, wants to just (be) with you! Men are wired differently! Recognize it. Accept it, and freakin make up your mind once and for all!

Her: He is my soulmate.

Me: my inner voice is now screaming a bunch of profanities ‘I’ I…had no idea I even knew!

Her: I am full of this wonderful…energy!!?

Me: contemplating saying…are you asking me to fill in the blank for you on that one?! Cuz my guess would be? Complete kooky erratic wacky, crazy impulse???!. But I’ll remain quiet, and continue to dream of a cold drink! Gin won’t cut it anymore…

Why do humans, especially women, do this?!’ I’m outside now…screaming then going back in…all smiling now..while whispering ‘everything is ok! I just lost my voice to excessive screaming! YOU need to be extremely thankful! Why? So I won’t tell you what ‘I’ truuuuuuly think! Luv ya! Bye!’

Quiet

So since Sunday, I’ve been quiet.

Spouse came home yesterday to a quiet house for a change.

See, the poor man, usually enters his secluded home in a middle of a forest, to the loud noise of..music! Which I immediately turn down, out of respect for his mood.

But, I do keep my music playing, usually, until the very last minute, when I have to turn it waaaaay down.

Yesterday?! He came in to the loud snoring noise of…no other than, our old chocolate Labrador. That was it!

When people suddenly die, I always seem to …just stop…and I just get..quiet. I just sit and think…how? Why? Why do people die suddenly like that?! How does this make any sense? Who has decided this needs to happen?! Why now at this very moment???!! Why do those who are related, have to suffer such loss?! Why?! Why?! And the whys just keep growing and growing…

Kobe Bryant died on Sunday. And I’m not even…a Lakers fan.

Chasing Cars

I woke…and all I wanted to do?! Was to just paint!

On a Monday where, my calendar is staring back at me in a ‘seriously?! You haven’t even begun yet?!’ Type of way…I just want to..paint!

I have work to do! My coffee beans that were roasted fresh yesterday, aren’t going to jump into their own sleeves and just stand on each other’s shoulders….grabbing ankles and calves, then the ‘flyer’ bean at the very top…will jump and seal the top of the bag! And they’ll all then, sit and hide there from all light and oxygen! Although, it does make for an amusing picture! CAN YOU IMAGINE!!!! (Sound of me laughing)

I also have French Macarons shells to bake for lovely customers who will need them, come Valentine’s Day.

What am I doing instead?

Listening on and on to Snow Patrol/Chasing Cars! And I…love it

Sound of door closing behind, after strapping boots on and heading to the roasting room. Wish me luck.

pic is just a random iron gate that drew me dt where I live. Nothing to do with Chasing Cars. Sorry for the confusion!

I was 12

Watching a movie about Tchaikovsky’s life. With my parents.

I was 12.

I remember….at one point in the movie…A 9 year old Tchaikovsky or something like that…is running down the stairs and just screaming ‘THAT MUSIC! THAT MUSIC’

That scene, was to be forever engraved, into my memory!

———-

I never stopped listening to Tchaikovsky since I was gifted a SwanLake Album for Christmas while still…a kid

Tchaikovsky, became an important part of my little life.

———-

At the age of 15 now.

I’m in my spacious room.

All my older siblings had left. So my mother decided: I get to ‘choose’ my bedroom. And I did.

Tchaikovsky, was always, always playing

I was obsessed

Every single symphony

Piano Concerto #1

Oh…my…heavens

That was? My absolute favourite

——–

At 15, my uncle at the time, was a 35 years old ‘cool’ I mean really…cool…uncle.

He used to come to my room, then would grab my hand!

I would be standing in front of my easel. Sketching. Or painting. But mostly sketching. I loved absolutely loved charcoal

So, here was my younger uncle, taking my hand, taking away the brush, or the pencil, putting it down, while still holding my hand with his other one…then leading the way..out of the room

I’ll be smiling and asking what was going on! And my cool uncle would, respond while still ushering out…’you need to come out of this room! Come join us. You’re way too young for this solitude’

My uncle loved me dearly! But he couldn’t understand …I was already happy…being a loner.

When The Magic Disappeared

My brain is tired.

I canceled work today. I am lucky I can do this. Yes! I know! I am an oh me oh my, spoiled, self-employed woman! Go ahead! Say it. It’s fine. …Really..it’s fine. Maybe, I do need someone else to carry the whip! My hand is getting tired of doing all the slashing.

Today was not a very good day.

Believing in, or I should say insisting on, remaining positive, even when my brain crosses its arms, like a sumo wrestler..right at the entrance to my little logic compartment, preventing my access to my urgent and much needed, shot of sensibility…is ..hard! (This maybe a run on sentence but tonight I don’t care).

Yesterday?! I still had a healthy dosage of optimism and..dopamine, being fed into my entire body!

Yesterday?! I even felt…beautiful for a change!

Today? When logic left me feeling all exposed…I crumbled.

There’s no one to blame but myself! There’s no doubt in my mind about that truth!

I take responsibility for acting vulnerable. I admittedly, dipped my brush in water…and decided to dilute my lately beautiful vivid canvas..full of rediscovered happinesses, with muddy puddles of self sabotage, and self blame.

I can’t trust. So it’s only natural, to not allow myself to ‘feel’ anything, but loneliness.

Loneliness is comfortable. It’s where I belong.

I enter the quiet forgotten room, I wrap my grandmother’s grey shawl around my naked body, so I can stop shivering from all the uncertainties.

I sit by the cold fireplace. I can feel the familiar defending quietness all around me.

I stare at the grey old ashes, a poignant reminder ‘there used to be life here once’.

I take off my shawl..and I stand there..then I reach out my hand.. and I smear the grey ashes all over my trembling body.

It’s all…so familiar. I’m going to be ok now.

Loneliness, I’ve missed you.

When I Grow Up

I’d like to be, Anna Madrigal.

As a heterosexual woman, this is a tricky subject! As one can risk getting easily misunderstood!

But I feel…this place is where I can be myself! It’s where I can lift the edge of my long dress, and marsh into the dreary and murky terrains, of all the possible misunderstandings…and postulations.

My head is held up high! My fears of the soft soil beneath my steps, are real! But they’re are not enough, to scare me.

I would like, to be, Anna Madrigal when I grow up.

I did not undergo a gender change op. I am a female. But, watching myself weep at the end of the series ‘Tales of The City”, compelled me to stop and think!

Anna died! It’s like I knew her! Anna shouldn’t die!

I loved Anna.

It made me realize, how tired I am, of all societal prejudices! How, I feel, I am strong enough, to take on that role one day! Be the ‘gracious’ dope smoking, sugar addict..90 years old…protector! Open up a haven, for those who are mistreated for their ‘love’, and misjudged for pursuing their love. It’s just too painful to whiteness and do nothing.

Yes, I do realize, the LBTQ community has come a long way. I get that. But some, some, continue to live in such sad vulnerability!

The show, opened up my eyes, to so many things.

I’ve had my share of indoctrination. I’ve had my share of religious agendas being pushed on me day in and day out!

“Today, you need to conform! Today! Your Christian Faith better shine brighter! Judge! You must judge all sin”! NO. I will not ‘judge all sin’. I will not place God in a box. He’s mine. What happens between he and I, is my business! And only mine. I will not, judge. I am no better, than anyone. My faith, does not, credit me with a righteously judging badge that I can flash in the face of others. Anytime I feel like it!

I had my share of Judaism too! “You need to pay attention to who you are! Be faithful to your conviction! Judge! You must judge!” No. I will not. I love and respect Judaism and think it’s wonderful! But my faith is mine. My way. No one else’s.

I am incredibly proud, of not allowing all that tremendous pressure I was subjected to, over so many years, whether it’s Christianity or Judaism, to sway me! To change how I feel and think! I did not, conform.

I will always be my accepting self. I will always hear and respect everyone. I will always dream, of becoming Anna.

Time & Space

youtu.be/5XixPjhGpik

It’s 8:30 am.

What will make you smile today?

What will make ‘me’ smile today?

Our -35 weather caused my red jujube to refuse to start this am.

Coffee shelf is nearly empty at the local store in town. I was sent a picture of the poor famished starving shelf.

My options:

– Wait until 5 pm. Spouse can drive me to stock up the store then. But that means? Complete dependency.

– Call a friend who ‘will drive me to stock up the store’! But that means? Having to spend ‘significant time’, after, quieting the voice in my head, screaming “how completely COMPLETELY…unprofessional!!!!! So you are telling me, basically, your unprofessional brain, has found logic in ‘oh let’s have a poor soul..drive us to the store, and WHILE AT IT, let’s have that poor soul juuuust wait…yup..just wait…until the shelf is stocked up and looking full and healthy again!! It’s ‘your’ responsibility! Not theirs!!!”

Ouch

It will also mean, small talk during the drive!

I know…I’m awful.

Let’s hope the battery booster will do the trick.

Meanwhile…this song. And, another warm cup of coffee.

Dream
Little girl, dream
Dream
Little boy, dream
Dream

In joy and pain each one will grow
For wisdom is so much more than what we know
And every child will find their way
Of living the whole life story day by day

Peculiarities

An exchange with a friend, took place this morning.

I basically, had a lull keeping up with some lately! And some, were wondering if it was ‘just work’!

As much as I appreciate the concerns of those who ‘think’ I’m an ‘ok’ human, and one they seem to enjoy staying in contact with; I find the subject of ‘deep or heavy’ personal discussions, to be the least comforting, if I am discussing, my own issues!

I am a great listener. But I find, I neither enjoy talking about my own issues in reverse_after all, this is why I come here to this wordosphere ;)!_, nor do I enjoy, unclear expectations, of why am I listening to you, in person I mean!

I’ll explain so I don’t sound like the shallowest human around:

– If I am going to listen! I need to know what’s expected of me! Do you need me to just listen?! If you do! I am happy to do just that!! I understand and do believe, we humans, have a need to just…feel.. we are!!…being heard. Again, that’s why I come here to blog sometimes! However, if you need my input? I need to know before hand too! So I can, come up with soooo many ideas..to dig you out 🙂

* * *

I’ve been quiet with Shell lately! And this am, her and I, had the most wonderful and honest, exchange!

Shell: Holidays can bring out a lot of stuff. Did you know that the average relationship, say one where you have to set boundaries, can only last 3 days max before reverting back to old habits? That’s huge if you are filled with days or weeks of socializing, what does that do to your inner brain? And throw Christmas markets and business planning on top of that and you have a recipe for an overload.

Taking a moment or many is good. What is the use of continuing to push forward if everything inside screams “halt”.

It’s not stopping, it’s just pausing.

When someone walks a tightrope, they pause between each step to keep their balance, without that pause, you would fall.

Anyone who thinks a pause is unnecessary enjoys the drama of losing their balance. You know the type, the ones that come in and say life is so busy and chaotic, they don’t pause between the steps….

You had a huge finish to your 2019, and now you are balancing how to bring about what you learned that year into 2020

Me: Trusting you are ‘the one person’ who understands, I won’t hesitate to tell you how one on one meeting with others make me feel ‘sometimes’! Here’s how my brain and personality operates: Deep subjects, exhaust me. I believe there’s a time for those! I most certainly believe in how important it is, to share our (not so uplifting) thoughts and experiences with those we trust! But, for me personally?! I find, I am more comfortable listening than ‘sharing’. I know my strengths, but I’m also aware of my weaknesses.

I can listen, and listen, and help find solutions, and brainstorm ideas..abt anything really! I feel..honoured..when friends open up! However, if I’m personally stuck with any ‘family, friends or even relationship issues, past or present?! I feel completely clumsy, incoherent and even awkward..if I attempt ‘talking abt it’! I believe it stems from pride, as well as perhaps, wanting to be a positive light for others, rather than a dimmer 🙂

* * *

Shell, is incredibly bright! I enjoy her brain! Immensely.