Friend

Yesterday was coffee delivery day.

I usually do not have interactions with my coffee customers, and it’s all part of the plan. My plan, to keep the process as simple and efficient as possible. I basically stick to do all deliveries in one area of the city that I can manoeuvre my way around easily, and I drop off the coffee packages at door steps. The rest, gets mailed.

Recycled craft bags are usually left there for me, once a month, to collect and reuse.

Efficiency, sustainability and no ‘visiting’.

The look on my coffee customers’ faces, 5 years ago_when I basically decided to put a misfit poorly designed e/commerce website together, so they can continue to order the coffee beans online, after closing down my café and my roasting facility_ was priceless! ‘Stir away from all windows! If I spot you, I will turn around and no coffee haha’!

My wonderful coffee customers? Complied.

I can count on my fingers, how many times in the past, I did actually have to exchange a few words of ‘How’ve you been?! Etc etc’, with my customers.

Then there came yesterday!

As I was flying down the 5 steps at the front of a customer’s house, heading back to my car, and the one coffee package was all dropped off, I heard a voice behind me.

It was…Samuel.

But by then, I was already at my car. Yet there he was, taking careful steps down on a chilly (still considered winter) February day.

His usual wide lighthearted smile…brought me back, to the first time we met, 10 years ago. He was rubbing the sides of his coat-less forearms to warm up.

– – – –

Fast backwards 10 years ago…

It was my very first day, at my coffee booth, in a new Farmers’ Market in the city.

Samuel, was wearing a patterned NewZealand woollen sweater. The sweater was beautiful! He stood in front of my counter facing me, and questioned every detail about the coffee.

He was skeptical. It was very obvious, that I was at the company of a serious coffee fanatic, and I ‘was’ one too! So imagine my joy, explaining all those nerdy coffee nuances!

Samuel, purchased only 2 lb. He still did not trust my expertise, and wanted to try the coffee first. Which, I respected, and was in fact delighted by. I was already confident in my coffee roasting abilities. I knew if I did it right, he will be back after he tries it.

Samuel did come back. And our deep friendship began.

A year later, I moved into my much bigger ‘prominent’ spot at that same Farmers’ Market.

Then after I became the actual main Café in that market, Samuel, on a certain day of the week, would pickup his coffee beans, and I used to let another barista take over, and I used to sit down with him over a cappuccino and talk books, design, etc.

Samuel is an author and also owned a printing company, so the conversation was always, rich and enjoyable. After all, I was a graphic designer, who had dumped all her design projects into a compartment at the back of her tired designer brain, and was in the process of forging a new entrepreneurial path.

In those days, and first years, my design appetite, and design sense, was still strong. However, I was slowly, weaning myself off the sweet taste of fonts, typefaces, codes, editorial design projects, corporate branding and thrilling intense web design adventures. So any conversation to bring me back to who I used to be, was a nostalgic one perhaps, yet a happy one at the same time.

Yesterday, Samuel looked…frail.

The years have passed, and I couldn’t help, but stare at the signs of time on his face. His hair, all white now too.

I think I could detect a sense of joy in his eyes, in his usual big wide smile, but…it all felt…incredibly sad. Why?! He’s just not the same. The frailty of life caught up with him. And I believe, the fact, Samuel was never keen on the idea of exercise, must’ve accelerated his health deterioration.

How does it make ‘any’ sense?! Could someone ever answer that question for me, without the usual regurgitation of ‘helpless acceptance and forced wisdom’, or the patronizing deniability of the sadness of it all really…!

I will never understand it. I will never, accept it. It will always infuriate me.

Utter Confusion

She is sounding incredibly confusing right now!

She, is, one of my closest friends. She, is, about to ruin her life. Throw it all way.

You are wondering why! I will tell you why!

Sometimes, humans, just revert to their very primal and basically?! ‘Just..bizarre needs’ of love and connection. That’s how ‘I’ see it! But then, I’m a a cynic! So while you read this, don’t take my approach very seriously! And that is fine with me. Fist pump?! Anyone?! No? That’s ok..

My friend, is falling for a man.

My friend, is not ‘even sure’..she can call it ‘falling’! Gaaaaaa! Ok ok …I’m biting my tongue at this point. ‘Go on’, I ushered her to continue! But ‘I’ am ready to hit the next bar and down a bunch of tequila shots! Wait! I hate tequila!

Back to our story…

My crazy friend, wants sympathy. As I sit there, wanting to just drive her to a hairdresser and give her a zero buzz and send her off to Tibet! Maybe she needs to hangout with some wise monks, until she comes back to her senses.

– – – –

Her: I am attracted to him spiritually (dreamy eyes telling me this: I am in so deep with my attraction, physically too) While twirling a stand of her hair

Me: …Silence and dreaming of a cold….Gin… to put me out of my misery! RIGHT NOW! Bartender keep it coming! But we are at? A freakin coffee shop! Of course! Picture me leaning back into my seat, tapping my hand ‘lightly’ on the table in sad protesting surrender?! Yup!…a coffee shop! I mean?! What else am I supposed to do?! Ask the young beautifully tattooed barista for his ‘stash’! Hmmm..Sounds..very appealing right now…But nah..I may get him fired. Coffee it is…Big sigh.

Her: I don’t need to ‘define’ the relationship! I’m ok just…being with him!

Me: …my eyes are glazing over. Wanting to say ‘honey bunch! No one! NO ONE! Look at me: NO ONE, wants to just ‘be’ with you! Unless (and there’s a very small list I won’t go through right now, as it’s unnecessary at this point), but yah, no one, wants to just (be) with you! Men are wired differently! Recognize it. Accept it, and freakin make up your mind once and for all!

Her: He is my soulmate.

Me: my inner voice is now screaming a bunch of profanities ‘I’ I…had no idea I even knew!

Her: I am full of this wonderful…energy!!?

Me: contemplating saying…are you asking me to fill in the blank for you on that one?! Cuz my guess would be? Complete kooky erratic wacky, crazy impulse???!. But I’ll remain quiet, and continue to dream of a cold drink! Gin won’t cut it anymore…

Why do humans, especially women, do this?!’ I’m outside now…screaming then going back in…all smiling now..while whispering ‘everything is ok! I just lost my voice to excessive screaming! YOU need to be extremely thankful! Why? So I won’t tell you what ‘I’ truuuuuuly think! Luv ya! Bye!’

Quiet

So since Sunday, I’ve been quiet.

Spouse came home yesterday to a quiet house for a change.

See, the poor man, usually enters his secluded home in a middle of a forest, to the loud noise of..music! Which I immediately turn down, out of respect for his mood.

But, I do keep my music playing, usually, until the very last minute, when I have to turn it waaaaay down.

Yesterday?! He came in to the loud snoring noise of…no other than, our old chocolate Labrador. That was it!

When people suddenly die, I always seem to …just stop…and I just get..quiet. I just sit and think…how? Why? Why do people die suddenly like that?! How does this make any sense? Who has decided this needs to happen?! Why now at this very moment???!! Why do those who are related, have to suffer such loss?! Why?! Why?! And the whys just keep growing and growing…

Kobe Bryant died on Sunday. And I’m not even…a Lakers fan.

Chasing Cars

I woke…and all I wanted to do?! Was to just paint!

On a Monday where, my calendar is staring back at me in a ‘seriously?! You haven’t even begun yet?!’ Type of way…I just want to..paint!

I have work to do! My coffee beans that were roasted fresh yesterday, aren’t going to jump into their own sleeves and just stand on each other’s shoulders….grabbing ankles and calves, then the ‘flyer’ bean at the very top…will jump and seal the top of the bag! And they’ll all then, sit and hide there from all light and oxygen! Although, it does make for an amusing picture! CAN YOU IMAGINE!!!! (Sound of me laughing)

I also have French Macarons shells to bake for lovely customers who will need them, come Valentine’s Day.

What am I doing instead?

Listening on and on to Snow Patrol/Chasing Cars! And I…love it

Sound of door closing behind, after strapping boots on and heading to the roasting room. Wish me luck.

pic is just a random iron gate that drew me dt where I live. Nothing to do with Chasing Cars. Sorry for the confusion!

I was 12

Watching a movie about Tchaikovsky’s life. With my parents.

I was 12.

I remember….at one point in the movie…A 9 year old Tchaikovsky or something like that…is running down the stairs and just screaming ‘THAT MUSIC! THAT MUSIC’

That scene, was to be forever engraved, into my memory!

———-

I never stopped listening to Tchaikovsky since I was gifted a SwanLake Album for Christmas while still…a kid

Tchaikovsky, became an important part of my little life.

———-

At the age of 15 now.

I’m in my spacious room.

All my older siblings had left. So my mother decided: I get to ‘choose’ my bedroom. And I did.

Tchaikovsky, was always, always playing

I was obsessed

Every single symphony

Piano Concerto #1

Oh…my…heavens

That was? My absolute favourite

——–

At 15, my uncle at the time, was a 35 years old ‘cool’ I mean really…cool…uncle.

He used to come to my room, then would grab my hand!

I would be standing in front of my easel. Sketching. Or painting. But mostly sketching. I loved absolutely loved charcoal

So, here was my younger uncle, taking my hand, taking away the brush, or the pencil, putting it down, while still holding my hand with his other one…then leading the way..out of the room

I’ll be smiling and asking what was going on! And my cool uncle would, respond while still ushering out…’you need to come out of this room! Come join us. You’re way too young for this solitude’

My uncle loved me dearly! But he couldn’t understand …I was already happy…being a loner.

When The Magic Disappeared

My brain is tired.

I canceled work today. I am lucky I can do this. Yes! I know! I am an oh me oh my, spoiled, self-employed woman! Go ahead! Say it. It’s fine. …Really..it’s fine. Maybe, I do need someone else to carry the whip! My hand is getting tired of doing all the slashing.

Today was not a very good day.

Believing in, or I should say insisting on, remaining positive, even when my brain crosses its arms, like a sumo wrestler..right at the entrance to my little logic compartment, preventing my access to my urgent and much needed, shot of sensibility…is ..hard! (This maybe a run on sentence but tonight I don’t care).

Yesterday?! I still had a healthy dosage of optimism and..dopamine, being fed into my entire body!

Yesterday?! I even felt…beautiful for a change!

Today? When logic left me feeling all exposed…I crumbled.

There’s no one to blame but myself! There’s no doubt in my mind about that truth!

I take responsibility for acting vulnerable. I admittedly, dipped my brush in water…and decided to dilute my lately beautiful vivid canvas..full of rediscovered happinesses, with muddy puddles of self sabotage, and self blame.

I can’t trust. So it’s only natural, to not allow myself to ‘feel’ anything, but loneliness.

Loneliness is comfortable. It’s where I belong.

I enter the quiet forgotten room, I wrap my grandmother’s grey shawl around my naked body, so I can stop shivering from all the uncertainties.

I sit by the cold fireplace. I can feel the familiar defending quietness all around me.

I stare at the grey old ashes, a poignant reminder ‘there used to be life here once’.

I take off my shawl..and I stand there..then I reach out my hand.. and I smear the grey ashes all over my trembling body.

It’s all…so familiar. I’m going to be ok now.

Loneliness, I’ve missed you.