Sourdough

My spouse asked me the other day

“Why do you like listening to dead people?!”

I thought about it for a second, then realized “Because… a lot of good musicians are actually..dead?!”

* * *

Today, I baked more sourdough bread. All..while listening to more ‘dead people’ music.

It was raining on and off all day. So filling my house, with the fragrance of freshly baked sourdough bread..with all its evocation, of innocence and delight, seemed..rather permissible!

It felt….comforting

As I set the dough in its proofing basket, I couldn’t help, but wonder ‘Is baking sourdough bread, going to fulfil, what I am missing, in my daily repertoire, today?!’

As the aroma began to sing out of the oven, and as I was scrubbing splashes of white flour all around the kitchen..I thought about life…How lately, it’s been insisting on giving us all, experiences we do not..want!

My scrubbing became more intense!

How do we remain whole? How do we remain balanced?! As we get pulled off the centre with all the latest occurrences?!

The bread is rising! Can we too?!

Do we, have another option?! No we don’t!

It’s either, beating this loneliness inside, that a lot of us feel lately! Due to all this isolation..Or..giving in and surrendering.

Others, cannot fix or heal us. Especially these days. Why? They need their own fixing and healing.

We must rise on our own. We must show up for ourselves. Others may be able, to emotionally support us perhaps, but we must do the work ourselves first.

Oh, the bread is ready to come out of the oven…

Cheers

#BourdainDay

It feels like yesterday, when I scribbled this! My grief, has not stoped.. since.

* * *

Your picture, somehow never leaves my memory!

It keeps inscribing itself, among my own!

Since you decided to abruptly leave, my own life has been, a confusing play at times! Its title _The monologue too_ Both continuously changing! Yet the play…keeps unfolding daily, on the stage of my daily living!

And I know! I know it sounds absurd, to know it all passerby and judgmental spectators! I have, watched them while I was performing…

They come in, after noticing the sign outside “Free Admission”.

They take a seat. At first, they clap at my performance! They think it’s exquisite! But when the plot thickens! And…I mention ‘you’! When I am performing the unpopular grieving part! It troubles them.

Your sudden departure, has altered my talent, and forever changed the play! I suddenly now, notice…everything! And I can no longer stop noticing!

They sit there….shifting in their seats…Perhaps, hoping, I will go back to making them laugh again.

The brilliancy of the light technician, playing with the blue dimmers, adding more gobos and focusing on my blue shadow, keeping them intrigued! They decide to stay a little longer…

I stand on the stage. I am no longer facing them…The back of my long dress, is bright and colourful. The soft lavender stage lights, are creating an optimistic mood. Giving them a break, from reality!

I insisted on that part. And I am glad that I did! I knew it will be too overwhelming to reveal all my darkness. I knew, my responsibility to help them see, and not be afraid, but also, breath, relax and be soothed.

My wonderful spectators, who heedlessly caved in to the illusion, of my attractive makeup, and statuesque photo outside!

The curtains fall…

Backstage, I change into a simple peasant dress!

When the curtains open up again! I am standing there, staring at nothingness! They think, I’m looking at them.

I take the scissors to my hair. Half of my audience, stand up, and leave. I feel naked! Staring at my severed strands on the floor..I want to stand up and leave too, but I can’t!

Actors are not allowed to leave.

The play must continue.

I stare into the nothingness ahead of me again! Behind my seated audience, only I, can see the enlarged picture of my face staring back at me! The director insisted on hiding my flaws! And in the end, opted for a black and white one. He said, it will not scare them as much! Then added ‘we need people to come in, sit down, and watch the show’.

Your last performance, your departure, to places unknown, confused my own performance! And I’m still struggling, to perform like I used to!

So I stare at my enlarged black and white fully made up picture and whisper ‘Who Are You?!’

Where Was I

How do you escape from your thought?

How do you escape, from the sense of disappointment in your ownself?! Staring at your hands, wondering why haven’t they been attempting to strangle you while you sleep!

You’ve had some good days! Some really good days! But as usual, they finally slipped through your open hands..like sand..running from you, through your..fingers. Laughing in your face ‘look how free we are! You are not! You can’t run! You can’t keep us either! You can’t hold on to us! We will always…. eventually leave you…’

Your empty hands, are in midair in front of you..wide open. They rise…a little..then fall down..like severed tree branches..falling on each side

Please stop acting shocked.

Happy days, are just like white beach sand. You may fill your fists with it! It’s warm and soft and tantalizing! But sooner or later, your fists will open, and all that warmth, all that softness, will rush through…and suddenly..all gone

You just brought your empty open hands up again!? You are standing there, staring at them…again! Wishing if only…you could still…feel?! Why are you in such disbelief?!

The emptiness, finally..setting in.

There’s this song. Feist/Now At Last. Playing in the hall. “…where was I” she’s singing…

I met a friend for her birthday this evening! We celebrated quietly. I had 2 glasses of Tempralino Rosè! And currently have a headache! Wine hates me. I hate it too. I believe that’s why, it punishes me with a headache after.

My father loved wine! He preferred more red in the winter, and more white in the summer! He owned vineyards! How lucky! They brought him his own wine! Did he know how lucky he was?! I’ll never know.

I’ve always hated wine. My father tried to pour me watered down wine, at different occasions! I made a scrunchy face every time, and he used to giggle. It amused him.

If you think, my scattered mind tonight, is solely due to the Rosè, you are mistaken. It’s been 3 hours since I consumed the Rosè!

It’s just been a strange day. All day.

I couldn’t find ‘me’ since morning.

I kept looking for ‘me’. But couldn’t find me.

I cancelled appointments. It helped some! But I still couldn’t find me.

I got dressed and stared at my reflection in the mirror! My reflection looked pretty. My hair looked ok. My dress looked ok. But I did not know the person staring back at me! She was ..sad. And I left her and went downstairs to have some…coffee

And I haven’t found her again since.

Tomorrow, she’ll hopefully look for me. But she may say ‘..where was I..’

And I’ll respond, chasing another disappointment! Let’s make you some….more coffee?!

.

Coco

I am still training Coco.

The family seem to be pleased with her progress!

It’s absolutely fascinating, to watch a dog, learning to control, the deeply embedded impulses in her/his breed. How she turns her head towards a kid on a bike, which used to cause her to lose her mind! Then now without me doing anything, she glances at it, you could detect a second of hesitation as if she’s ‘thinking’ of what to do! Then there comes ‘her’ decision: I think I am going to ignore. And we just continue our walk.

We also stoped by the river today. I wanted her to get to know it. I think she liked that.

Bereft

She, again, picked up the dirty hem of her dress, dragging behind her, on both sides of her..as she forced another step..and wandered into the mist.

Her hands, are shaking. She’s parched, but mostly, tired.

The nymphs hid behind branches and leaves. Their big wide eyes, watching her every move.

She knew they were around. Even if she couldn’t see them.

As the mist started to thicken, her lungs, resembling the ferns around her, began to expand.

It was hard to breathe. Yet she knew, she must release each breath from one lung to the other, if she’s going to survive..

The nymphs, staring at her side profile now, exchanged looks among each other. One, ushered to the rest ‘shshshsh’. The group obeyed. She was the kindest one of the group, as well, the wisest one.

Watching over trees and hills, was the nymphs’ job, so who is she?! And why’s she there? How did she find this place?! Is she going to transform into a laurel tree, just like the other ones, who dared enter this scared forest before her?!

Her tears, mixed up with dirt and debris, did not stop tumbling down her face. The farther she walked, the sadder she felt. Leaving everything behind, for the fire. Did she set it off?! No. She barely escaped it when it tried to trap her.

Others, came into this place, to use, then exploit and destroy. The nymphs, turned them into beds of reeds, scattered poplars and laurel trees.

Among the fallen leaves, she finally laid.

She, was no threat. The nymphs took pity.

They tried to cradle her in their soft arms. As she drifted, back and forth into the darkness of her own mind.

They carried water from the nearby stream, so she could drink.

Trying to comfort her weakened heart, in soft voices, they hummed and sang…, all throughout the night. While she remained motionless, murmuring strange words, the nymphs could not understand.

As the sun loosened the frost, forming over trees and ferns, she was awaken by a soothing touch, to her feverish forehead.

The nymphs, made themselves visible to her. She needed them. So the decision was made, to let her see them busy comforting her, breathing warmth, into her little tired body.

She looked at each one. From left to right. From right to left. And for the first time throughout the hundreds of years she had lived, she felt..at home. She was finally home. She was finally..safe.

Bereft of sadness. Bereft of grief. Bereft of fears…she finally…went to..sleep. And the nymphs’ singing, turned into sorrowful howling.

They say, the nymphs were very distraught. They wanted to save and keep her. So they turned her, into a ..forever tree.

Photo: Unsplash.

The Joy is being sucked out of everything

The Joy is being sucked out of everything

The Joy is being sucked out of everything
— Read on lisahoweler.com/2020/06/15/the-joy-is-being-sucked-out-of-everything/

I had to share! Hope it’s ok Lisa!

I feel your pain Lisa. That’s why, I personally have been busying myself, with ‘anything’..that takes me away from this monstrosity! From this nightmare!

What you’re describing, is true agony. A new reality.

You and I, and those who are not fond of telling others what do, are wondering this ‘when did our primitive desire to dominate and control, take over our rational thinking? When did this obsession to tell everyone they are wrong, become the new way of living?!’

You’re correct! The joy is being taken out of a lot of things, we used to do and enjoy doing!

I know, I’ll keep ‘doing my thing’. I will avoid this madness as much as I can. Even if it means, living off the grid.

Continue your photography Lisa! Don’t let anyone take that joy from you. I and others here, would love to see it.

* * *

I leave you with bits of country life..The critters say hello..

Moody Art of Y

Wow! This post from a year ago, now, looks so naïve!

So much has changed. But, I still think..life is still beautiful. You can say, I’m a dreamer. Maybe I am.

I remember hating this piece of art and how I smudged it with Y’s. How I contemplated tossing it in the fire..Then deciding to keep it, with all its moody vibe!

There’s so much beauty in this world!

There’s so much happiness!

Goodness, childlike fun moments, innocence, passion, hot and breezy summer days, spent running between sun and shade… Cozy winter nights, by a warm glowing fire…and a delicious book.

Then why are we sad inside?! What do we need?! Why the void?! Why the agony over things that don’t require flashing sirens, in our heads?! Big things, smaller ones…And even when a pressing issue is resolved, our mind starts its frantic circling, all while we are sitting in our living rooms; searching under pieces of furniture, cluttered tables and busy congested corners…for a an imaginary unfitting piece, or a missing one, in the big puzzle constructing our daily lives.

What if we just clear the clutter, play our favourite music loud…and fill the place with..life! Stop the overthinking! Start living! Go for a walk. Move a little. Dance a little. They’ll say we’re crazy?! How dare we dance?! Oh, you just heard them say you are making a fool of yourself?! Are we breaking any laws?! No. We are not! The only law we’re breaking?! Is the unspoken law of stagnation and surrender!

Who are ‘they’?’ Why is it so important what ‘they’ think?! Oh, they criticize!? Let them. Drown them out with your earphones. Smile. Live. No one, owns ‘you’. You count. Your happiness does too.

How can we love more and fret less?!

Laughter. Laughter should be heard! A kind word needs to be said. A kind look in our eyes, needs to be given to those who need it! Who are looking for it and can’t find it!

If we have the gift of giving warmth, why hide it?! It’s dying inside of us, piece by piece…a little bit dies everyday! Why?! Why let it?! Why just sit and watch?!

  • Why are we so scared?!
  • Why are you scared of living?!

  • Sorry about the moody art piece. Not sorry.