I don’t have any answers…

I don’t know why life has become so…foreign

Lately, picking up the camera and chasing shadows..along with all the beauty my eye suddenly detects…has been my favourite escapism

Detachment from the harsh reality ‘everywhere’ in this world, never felt more…justified. It has become a necessity to survive

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As a coffee roaster/lover, I find, that I spend a lot of time taking ‘mostly’ coffee related photos…One minute, my eye, is detecting beauty, in scattered coffee beans full of…lines, crevasses and all that represents…life! Then, when I suddenly turn around, thinking I’m done..only to get fully absorbed in the beauty of another object…And the story..never seems to want to stop
“Beautiful” is so very different from those starving adolescents they put in the magazines, covered in so many different products until they appear gaunt and barely human. “Beautiful” is a casual smile so freely given, a tenderness of the soul we let show through, something that can make a real connection with others. “Beautiful” is the soul you were born with, the one that brings smiles to your face and loves music and dance. So be it, live it, love it.” Angela Abraham

A Promise

After a 2 hour hike in nature yesterday, taking pictures of twigs and snow…marvelling at all the beauty around..listening to the stillness of the trees, and the barely detectable trickles of a stubborn creek..this humble coffee roaster, settled in by the fire, opened up a book, thought of you all..while reading these words:

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet
To make all your friends feel
that there is something amazing in them
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true
To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds”
Christian D. Larson

I won’t say: I can do all of those, just for the sake of being truthful to myself. But I promise that I’ll try

Preparing For (the) Eve

It’s been 7 million hours and 15 million days…since the New Year’s Eve, tasted the same as it used to, for the first 17 years of my life.

Ironically and perhaps fitting, a song is currently ringing inside my head. Chris Cornell’s version of: no other than, my beloved Prince’s “Nothing Compares 2 u”

See, I grew up in a household with its fair share of dysfunctionality. However, on the very last day of each year, that household, would get transformed, into a haven for so much joy.

We used to leave school at noon on NewYear’s Eve day. And rush home to start the celebration.

I remember waking up in the morning, full of anticipation. Knowing, the special day and eve is finally here. It was even more special than Christmas to me.

Dinner preparation, would’ve already started, even though, it was 10 or 11 hours away still! My mother, making special dishes. Some family friends, are all helping.

My father, who wasn’t much of a cook, would also be busy making his special salad. The one and only salad he ever made, Bruschetta. He’d be fully concentrating on perfectly slicing and dicing every little piece of tomato, basil and red onion.

My sister and I, would’ve picked out new outfits, to wear for the special dinner. that part, was also exciting, as there were always…boys..on NewYear’s Eve.

I remember, my father’s eyes, when I’d put on my outfit. He would smile. His usual loving smile. Telling me….’how do you come up with these outfits?!…You are more beautiful than last year my little darling…etc etc’…followed by, the usual overly repeated words, cautioning me to ‘not graze on carbs’, as I’ll tier early into the evening, which meant, my father missing spending the NewYear’s Eve with me.

I remember very clearly (and now I’m tearing up)…how my father, used to peel a tangerine or an apple, and would feed me one slice at a time…his words ringing into my ears ‘ darling..snack on fruit..fruit is good for you..and it won’t make you tired..let’s slow down on the French fries and the appies’.

My father…how much he loved me…How much…he wanted me to not fall asleep early…How special, he used to make me feel..

The dinner table, was huge. It was a feast. And we’d all be seated around it…A lot of chatter and a lot of laughter…

Music was a huge part..My father would dance and dance with me..and it was all so…magical

Then, there was the hour approaching midnight….And that meant?! The lights going off at midnight. And?!…my father, giving me permission…to kiss whichever boy I wanted (only) at that very brief moment in the dark. He never did want to know whom I kissed. He disgruntledly allowed it. And that’s all. But you can imagine, the excitement of a teenage girl, growing up in a house full of…adults and..rules.

After midnight, my much older siblings, would leave to a club or house parties. I, was forbidden from joining them. I…hated that part. Until, I was 16. I will never forget that one NewYear’s Eve. All the attention. All the ‘new’ freedom, where for the very first time, my parents’ eyes weren’t there, watching my every move.

I remember, dancing in big circles with random strangers on the beach…fireworks…lots of laughter..and all the joy people were expressing…it was all, again truly magical.

After leaving my family, NewYear’s Eve, lost its lustre. and it never…ever..came back, ever again.

But for now, and considering it’s early in the morning right now where I am..let’s have coffee, and let’s have carbs..and let’s reminisce..of what used to bring us joy. Cheers..

Follow up

The idea of any of my posts causing sadness to anyone versus joy, keeps me up at night ☺️

So, I needed this follow up post to declare:

I am doing great. I wish I can hug everyone in this blogosphere but I’m not a hugger to begin with

The non hugging restriction has not, affected me one bit

This is supposed to be funny.

Seriously! I never understood hugs. 95% or something like that, they’re insincere! I mean, to me, it always felt: ppl have this sweet look on their faces in such extremely temporary time (we are talking a couple seconds here) _yes I’m ignoring lingering huggers_yes I know they exist_ so, what was I saying!! Right! So yah…hugging, is super temporary and yet, humans swear by its magic. Well I hardly ever, felt it. And I’ve always thought ‘I was the weird one’. Do not comment on that one! Well fine…go ahead..eye-rolling in a non alarming way.

Seriously though! I do not get hugs. Head down in surrender.

I am certainly not judging anyone who’s a hugger.

Scout agrees


Winter arrived yesterday

We have a lot of snow

What I love the most about this WordPress place, is the fact: I can just be me.

There’s no other place in my life, where I can ‘express’ how I feel or just…be…

I roasted a lot of coffee again today

My work, has taken over my life and I..accept it

I…do not…have a Christmas tree

I have orders to deliver, and stores to stock up. They come first. I…’chose’..this life. So if I sound like I am complaining, please slap me silly or…pick up the jar that contains my paint brushes on my desk (which I have not touched for a century now) and slooooowly…flip that container upside slow motion if you want…and stare me in the eye…then walk away. I…will accept your reaction. I’d probably do the same thing to you.

So I finished my work (the roasting and packaging part), then headed back to the house…

Can you believe…that I took my boots off…and all I wanted to do?! Was to pick up my camera and take photos of anything that speaks to me…I don’t care what

So here I am…having a break…shooting random …stuff

Strength + Self Restraint

My yesterday evening’s thoughts….

Loving my work, had personally been my saving grace during the past year. I’ve been incredibly busy and for that I am very grateful.
Family aren’t coming for Christmas. My in-laws, are spending Christmas alone. It’s beginning to sink in.
But, before I allow myself, to wander into the territory of ‘my own tiny little Christmas with my spouse_as it seems it’ll be just the two of us this year_ I have to think of, all the emphasis I’ve been putting on ‘strength’, and on ‘courage’, during this past year.
My aunt who’s all by herself in Cypress, teaches me a new lesson in strength and courage, every time we speak on the phone. How can ‘I’ look at her situation, and not try to mimic that strength?!
I was feeling a bit burnt out last night, after working all day. But I had promised her to make this laboursome Christmas recipe that she keeps urging me to make, and I promised her: today Sunday, will be the day.
As I began to make it earlier, cursing a bit as it started to challenge me, and proving to be harder and moodier than The French Macarons I bake, I contemplated throwing away all the ingredients (as if this recipe has never ever happened 🙂)! And basically saying to my aunt ‘my dear lovely aunt, whom I adore, I love you, but that recipe drove me insane’. I decided to stick with it instead. In the end, the resulting dish, was not even remotely as good as hers. But that wasn’t the point.
The lesson here is: Self love is important, we hear that a lot. But so is, honouring and caring for our loved ones. No matter how tired, overworked or overwhelmed we may be. And yes that may include a senior dog who wakes you up multiple times during the night, wandering around aimlessly due to …Alzheimer’s. And yes it’s hard! But it’s a practice, to put them first, when all we wanted, was to focus solely on ‘ourselves’ and our needs, in that very moment. And also, a lesson in strength, and to resist being reactionary, when every single circumstance during our days lately, screams ‘throw in the towel. No one can blame you! It’s covid times’.
Self restraint, inner strength and thinking of our loved ones ‘first’, this Christmas, if practiced, will insure, we will look back one day, and say ‘yes it was a weird lonely Christmas, and it sucked! But I did everything I can, to make the best out of it’.