For Delores

I watched the interviews…

I listened to your lovely Irish accent! And I could not believe, how lovely you are as a whole! As a person!

Your words are genuine. There is no shiny glamorous cloak covering your tiny figure, aiming to charm and distract from who you really are inside! You are simply..you. And it’s clear, very clear, you choose to be.

Another thing struck me while watching one of your interviews! When you described how you’d rather, sit with a local you’ve never met at a random bar_talk about his farm etc_over the glamorous party you are supposed to be at, across the road! You immediately earned my admiration.

When I lived in Ontario, The Cranberries used to have a cottage not too far from my house. I did not really pay attention at the time, except that my neighbour at the time, used to be the instrumental technician for the band. I still did not pay attention. I wish I did, maybe he would have told me about..you. As now? I am hungry for every detail.

All I know is, your talent lives. Your grace also lives. Your sad eyes…will always be in my mind…And all I can hope, is that you are laughing more ‘now’! Much much more.

I will not question why you left so early. I respect your pain. I respect your choice. And above all…I wasn’t there. No one was. Only, you. Only you know.

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Fall & Emotions

Do you ever feel, as if all your emotions are rising suddenly to the pit of your stomach?!

Do you ever feel, overwhelmed, over the lack of control?! your lack of control?! You have no idea why you feel all this sudden missing!!! You, are, missing people! You, are, a little upset at some, the ones you gave so much to…wanting to hug certain ones and tell them you’re sorry for whatever pain you may have caused them, wishing you can sit right at this moment with others…chat, share a joke or two, feel the quiet uplifting harmony one feels when with ones they trust deeply!

Do you ever, look at your ageing dog, and wonder…how come, you remember when she was just a three months old puppy, as if it was just..yesterday?! The sweet smell of her puppy fur?! The tenderness that sinks in your heart when you smile watching her darling pink belly!? ‘She was so young!! How did she become this greying, tired senior dog?! Did that just happen overnight?!’

Do you ever, give your head a shake, then take a sip of your cup of coffee..look out the window at the fog gathering outside…You are standing there..hearing yourself whisper, while your hands clutching your now lukewarm cup…raising it to your face..all while hoping..your senses, any of your senses..will still manage to find some leftover warmth…’it’s just a nostalgic fall day! You better get over all this nostalgia really quick…’

Everyone I know, loves the fall! Am I really the only one, who feels the weight, of the falling leaves!!!

Not A Saint

But was close to being one during my trip to Denver!

Proud of spending 10 days on my own without doing anything that I may regret later!

I met amazing people! But only during my last 4 days there! The first 6? I relished in my loneliness and all the chaos that followed me from over a thousand miles away…all the way to? The mile high city!

On those days, I walked a lot, sat alone a lot, tried experiencing the food, coffee and brewery scenes! But my nerves were shot! My hand trembled holding coffee cups, beer glasses, gin glasses and sushi chopsticks!

I experienced sudden inability to swallow food and drinks at times! I had to rush to the ladies’ room so no one would notice!

I’d stay there till the ‘chocking’ episode would pass! Then I’d return to my table, feeling embarrassed! And hoping, no one had noticed!

The pups were my saviours when I’d return home! Snuggles…and more snuggles! Alexa drove me mental, as she would ignore my ‘normal’ voice, and would bully me to yell! I hate yelling.

Saying goodbye to the pups was hard..I tried my best to not shed any tears in front of them! They enjoyed me being happy around them! And I wanted to keep it that way until the last minute!

I miss them! A lot!

Dogs & My Insanity

I’m still not fully out of the woods yet.

There are good moments while in Denver, and there are..the not so good ones, where I stay home when I should be out exploring, and I solely rely on my 2 wonderful canine companions.

Murphy is 4 years old. He acts like a typical toddler every single night since I arrived. I take him to his bed ‘pod’ _where I have to open it up and he usually immediately slides in and completely disappears_…Then? Like I said, every single night, he crawls into my bedroom around 2 am…Wakes me up as he stands there and stares at me for a second, then jumps on the bed.

He is such a character! It doesn’t stop there! He sits and stares at me in the dark (eye roll), then I’m supposed to lift up the covers and he zips underneath … and just disappears! How could he breath while all tucked in that way? Noooo idea! But it happens every night, so I guess he does.

Guinness is 10. He goes nuts when he hears the word ‘walk’. He starts turning around in circles ‘WALK? WALK?!WHAT?! Did you just say..WALK?! Are we walking? Like RIGHT NOW? Well where do I stand for you to put that leash on me? Why are you taking so long? WHAT IS GOING ON? You DID SAY WALK? I DID HEAR YOU SAY WALK! OMG WHAT DO I DO? DANCE? Well I am! LET’S GO ALREADY’

*To be continued—

Blind Date Part II

Mark, was seated between my friend Sara and his blind date.

Sara is my best friend. A gorgeous 37 years old professional.

Sandy did not stand a chance. And my heart started to break one piece at a time for her.

At one point, I still had hope Mark will still talk to Sandy and maybe a spark will just emerge…So I kicked Sara under the table so she’d slow down on being chatty with Mark, who was completely taken be her by now. I kept a straight face on when she felt my kick, stopped talking and looked at me! I ignored looking at her, quickly took a sip off my drink and blurted to another friend beside me ‘what a lovely evening to be dining out here’! Flashing a big smile to distract from the kick.

In my mind, I could sense Mark’s disinterest! And I couldn’t help but wonder ‘why?! This is a gorgeous, kind and intelligent woman! Your age! You both obviously have a lot in common already as we are all talking, chatting and discovering yes…yes..you and Sandy are a great match! Then why?!’

I kept trying to assure myself ‘they may hit it off! Don’t get too cynical! Don’t rush the doom and gloom!’…While the fog, was starting to spread like a blanket of uncertainty outside… in that gorgeous place, all nestled in nature.

Blind Date Part I

If I could take it all back, I will..

I wish I had never said yes, to setting up her friend with mine..

She wore a sleeveless red tunic, and black leggings, underneath her raincoat. Ankle boots too. She was not tall, and neither was my friend, so I thought ‘at least their mutual height is perfect’!

If I was to guess, I’d say she was in her mid fifties. Blond medium length straight hair. Fair skin. Her kind blue eyes looked a little tired _Dinner was at 6:00 pm after perhaps a long day for her at work_ and her sweet smile, revealed her goodness inside.

She also had a pearl necklace on.

He, my brainiac friend, her blind date, arrived in his usual way too big for his size long sleeved shirt, a blue also baggy rain jacket, and bluejeans. I did notice, however, that he paid extra attention to his hair. It looked combed and tidy.

His thick greying beard, and his Dali moustache, gave him a rather quirky look. My friend isn’t my age, but that was never an issue in ‘our’ friendship.

His date’s friend and I, met not too long ago. Then one day, out of a mere casual coincidence, we were having dinner with other mutual friends at a very fancy Estate establishment; and that’s when, Rose and I decided to set her single friend with mine.

We invited other friends to the same place two weeks later, including Mark and Sandra. Mark is my friend, Sandra is hers…

Summer

As much as I love summer, this darker exchange between us, took place the other day…for no reason.

* * *

You arrived…

You took your raincoat off..

You looked at me as if expecting me to run to you, throwing my arms around your neck, while you pick me up…twirling me around…

I hear you laughing…your deeply free ringing laugh…

Then you put me down…but you immediately take your long waltz step..while still holding both my hands. Not giving me a chance, to declare, I am not in the mood for your rise and fall moves…

The gradual rise to the toe…is already exhausting every muscle in my aching body..

As the heel of my shackled left foot rises, the ball of my right foot gives way..but you fail to notice…while we continued our dance to now the deafening noise..of all the clapping waves..mocking my increasingly stiffening moves

As you slowly started to feel The clumsiness of my lower limbs…and I could see how you are no longer smiling..you stared at me quietly…

Your eyes, as usual, are holding back all the questions..You hate it when I get too serious! You usually run away carelessly and proclaim ‘This is all winter stuff’

Yet to my surprise this one time, you did ask ‘when did you stop being in love with life?’

I responded ‘After you neglected me all winter!’

As our dance stopped…And we were no longer in rhythm…standing motionless now, by the moonlight.