In a matter of three days, the woman who says to others ‘don’t cry! Not worth it’, then usually bursts into laughter! Will be collecting little bits and pieces, in the corners of empty rooms…left behind…..All now, just objects….of all the missing. Remnants of all the warmth that was once there, and now?! The only things left behind! echos …coldness…silence and so much void!
She hates goodbyes! But who really ‘loves’ goodbyes?! When people have been living, running around and laughing, right there…all around in your heart, for days! How does it make any sense…to watch them…waving goodbye…then disappearing behind airports’ check-in lines?!
Some people, I guess, never leave your heart! Instead, they just seem to settle in and get more comfortable, every time they visit you again.”
I wrote this three days ago. I decided to ‘hide’ it. Why? Because it carries pain and sadness. But you know, sometimes, pain and sadness, need to be seen. I won’t deny my own full admiration, and even borderline obsession, with ‘grace’! And with ‘strength’. I will not tell you, I can easily withstand allowing others, to watch me….cry! I am not going to pretend, I have finally made, my peaceful treaty with vulnerability! Where I can let you see me break! I am simply incapable of admitting certain weaknesses I have. And I may never, ever, allow others, to glance at my Achilles heel! And trust me I do have one! Maybe more than one!
My foibles. My weak spots. My frailty. All of those, I usually hide and guard! Very carefully.
I also absolutely hate, to make you sad.
I want to make ‘your’ day better. Not worse. And that’s another big reason, why I hid that post three days ago.
Then it hit.
See! I have three people in this big gigantic world, that I am capable of actually missing! And one of those, was here over Christmas! That’s aaaaaall it took! And the missing?! When it started! Today?! Yes earlier today! Precisely, at 1:26 pm. You can imagine the…ferocity!
I tried distracting myself. I hate the mall. Yet I went straight to the mall, after the airport. I walked around…aimlessly. I did many u turns in and out of busy stores. In. I’d walk straight. People buzzing all around! Then, would turn around. Walk straight back again. And?! Out. It was nauseating. Lots and lots of teenagers too. At the mall! Happy, elated, lively… teenagers. Slurping their reddish sugary Starbucks…drinks! I just watched…
I even went to the flamboyant and exaggeratedly renovated, food court! And yes I did consume some foodcourt Greek food, and did some more people watching!
I was absolutely distracted!
It all worked for a couple hours! Until I decided if I was to spend one more minute, amidst that madness, I would forever declare myself…a mall rat! And I shall join hands, with all the mall rats there, befriend as many as I can on Facebook, and share Instagram mall selfies with them ALL! For eternity.
Thank Goodness I didn’t!
So there I was. Back at the now empty house!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Looked the same!
The Christmas treats on the credenza, laying there in their now, messy… brown pleated little paper wrappings, looked…neglected! Reminding me of beautiful brown little graves, their coffins were robbed overnight, and turned neglectfully to the side! Sad, lonely, reflecting the greyish air…all around. No beauty or grace left.
The swing-arm lamp, with its longer neck lowered and to the side, looked, as if it was embarrassed of its sudden loneliness and..also very sad!
Everything looked, empty.
So…I cried. And the missing began.