The hollowness in the heart!
Why does it suddenly appear!!?
And when it appears, why does it linger?!!!
She asked me!
The acoustic in the house is amazing! So the sound system was echoing brightly this morning throughout the quiet house. When she called.
I was busy sketching…a…bird! While laughing inside over the irony between my peaceful sketch of a little innocent bird, and the tone of disturbance in the song I was listening to! A song about no other than_at the time mayor_Rudy Jiuliani’s famous bust of a group of squatters in NY city in 1995. “Blue Rodeo/It Can Happen To You”!
I was thinking to myself: Hey bird, you’re a squatter too! Rudy would’ve also sent the army to evict you out of your previously vacant, now artistically occupied.. nest! That you took over and intricately made your own, with gorgeous twigs and twisted weathered leaves!
She said to me: I was just asking myself, who could help us chase the dark shadows away?! You can!_said my logic_ which is great! I just wish, that voice, belonged to an actual person! Then I can talk to it, discuss things, argue my point or points! Then, due to the illusory nature of my delusional thought, I decided to phone you!
I could tell she was smiling amusingly while saying the last part.
Humans have always had the tendency to exhaust her. She can be the light of the party, without doing a whole lot of talking! No one would guess how apprehensive she feels, towards talking whenever it’s only one person sitting in front of her! The probing. The questioning. The need to fill in the awkward silence with spoken words. Half the time, they come out wrong anyway! They don’t sound like her. Instead, they leap out of her mouth wearing strange outfits and funny makeup smeared all over their faces! Looking more like impostors, than her own authentic ones!
How do (I) know that?! Her and I have talked and talked about this before. We share that fear of being trapped talking to just ‘one’ person. The apprehensiveness of having to converse to lessen the sense of heaviness all around.
Her and I are bound to one another in a deep long friendship! As if we had an actual ceremonial mingling of blood, that declared us blood sisters forever.
– I only like talking to you!
I laughed along with her, then responded:
– Don’t you think, this begs the question, why do you wish logic was a person sitting in front of you?! Considering I’m ‘the only person’ you like talking to?!
– May be, just may be, Logic will be this amazingly intelligent and remarkably understanding…person…man. She laughed!
She’s definitely sounding amused now, and not… sad anymore!
I asked her: What is going on?!
– (laughter again)_She always laughs to cover her nervousness!_ I don’t know! Do you?!
– How am I supposed to know?!
– Don’t worry honey_she loves to call me these silly frivolous names: honey, pumpkin etc etc! I shamefully admit, I do the same too!
– I wouldn’t say I’m worried! You just…sound ..really odd!
Now I’m laughing nervously
My best friend, is a woman capable of feeling and expressing joy, more than anyone I know.
Then why are we having this conversation?! I kept thinking to myself as I talked to her some more!
I decided to tell her about Rudy & the bird. My bird. We both laughed at the irony. At least our laughter was no longer tinged with nervousness, and rather genuine and forthright. She suggested naming the bird Rudy! I responded: Never!!
And the shadows of beautiful vibrant cities full of injustice, greed and cruelty..filled my head!
The shadows, they appear!
They will always do! But, when they do, why do they linger?!
if only Logic was a person, that I…can talk to.