The Dancing Ego

My ego opened up its phone…

It had no idea what it’ll find this morning!

Work Emails, immediately jumped first on the screen! “We would like those coffee gifts baskets to include more French Macarons”. Guess it’s going to be a busy day, full of packaging and baking!

It then, scrolled down to find, a wonderful comment on my humble blog! (I hate the word blog. But that’s for another day).

As it demanded more coffee! And just when it had one foot out of bed! It suddenly stopped…

And for the next few minutes, my silly ego feasted on a wonderful comment, a friend had left earlier! Then?!…it won’t leave me alone!!!

It jumped out of bed, threw the sheets up in the air, picked one, and danced and twirled all while holding that sheet like a victory flag! Then finally tossed it at me..and ran downstairs to have more coffee! Leaving me behind to clean up the mess!

I’ll have to follow it downstairs, and plead with it to slowdown, so I can be a sensible human today!

Good morning to all the beautiful souls out there…please join me for coffee…I’ll make it.

Photo credit: Unsplsh

A Horse’s Touch

I was full of hesitation to go be with the horses today! My energy was at a low level! And I knew! I knew they’d sense it!

I had to really push myself to shower, get ready, then do the drive! I wanted nothing more than hiding away from people all day today!

I was afraid the horse I’m on, would lose his connection with me, and I with him!

I got there. Ringo the dog came running to greet me as soon as he spotted my car coming around the corner! He’s a Collie crossed. I immediately smiled! I love Ringo, but hardly have time to spend with him! As I usually need to keep my focus on the horses!

I did some English Posting while trotting today. It was challenging at the beginning!

Posting is to rise out of the saddle seat for every other stride of the horse’s forelegs.

Ozzy (my favourite Arabian horse) was not happy there were two new horses not too far away from the corral! And he was ready to take them on! So considering Ozzy’s fearless nature, it was better to keep him away from them! But I dearly missed him.

I posted with Shayane! A stunningly beautiful, Gypsy Vanner mare!

Shayane sensed my low energy level! She quickly decided to act outrageously stubborn and frustratingly defiant! So I had to shift my energy, or I wouldn’t have been able control her.

It took some work! As she tried hard to tell me ‘I’m not feeling you! You are weak! I’m the boss this time!’

I finally, had to stay still on her back for a minute! Shayane is standing there! Her and I were having a breather. I was trying hard to not tell my other human companion in the coral, to just…stop talking! As she continued talking to me, and laughing nonstop, in her giddy incredibly high pitched voice!

I had to resign to some leftover patience from last night! I thought I had none left! Then rummaged deep inside of me , for some crumbs of wisdom, tucked in there somewhere…

I finally found some leftover scoops of patience, in the very back of the fridge of my psyche! And a few crumbs of my worldly wisdom..that had fallen between the folds ‘of the heart of the discerning!’

I soon realized, my human companion is a nice girl, she means well, and that’s what matters.

I finally managed to control Shayane and get her to obey me while posting inside the corral! I figured, way too icy to post the trot on those trails! So I stayed around inside the ring.

In the end, my abs had the best workout! Considering, you must involve your core muscles to support you, while standing in the stirrups! Not your hands at the saddle, and not by gripping the horn either! Your legs need to also remain motionless while posting.

I’m so glad I did go to have coffee with the horses today! It was the highlight of this not so wonderful week! And a horse’s touch, was needed, to be myself again!

Hear Me. See Me

She stood beside me. We were both smoking and staring at the parking lot. Cars and shadows, gleaming here and there in the dark.

The air is cold. Our hands, the sides of our faces, our noses, our shivering lips, all feeling the assault of this cold November night! We were both standing there…shuddering!

I kept thinking, I need to get warm fast, or I’ll turn into an ice sculpture very soon! Silly images of passerby commenting on the hairstyle of the frozen sculpture, running through my head! I’m trying hard to use my last remaining active brain cells, to distract me from the cold.

I glanced at her. I have seen her before. She looked familiar! But my day had been painfully and unusually long, and I had simply lost my capacity to think straight!

It’s late in the evening. I am almost done my last pathetic act, on the stage of nicotine worshiping! I am getting ready to flick my cigarette butt on the ground, so I can step on it like a colossal figure! Feel its vulnerability and complete subordination! Briefly enjoy my revenge, savour it! Then Insure the painful reminder of my inadequate nicotine dependency, is no longer breathing! Pick it up, make sure again, that it’s completely lifeless! Examine it quickly like an expert criminal pathologist, then toss the disgusting proof, of my nicotine vice, into the garbage can!

But when I suddenly glance at her again, I notice, she’s been crying! Was she really crying?! She almost looked, like she wanted me to see her standing there…crying!

I was already frozen from the cold, but I felt like I froze even more, when I noticed her black tears, coursing down her cheeks..

“Are you alright?!” I asked.

She exhaled deeply…A mixture of a thousand sighs, being suddenly set free, escaping…under the disguise of exhaled grey air…She then responded “The world keeps rejecting me.”

And our conversation started.

I took a step closer. She now looks even more familiar! But who’s she?!…

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, her head still turned sideways. I couldn’t help but notice, the familiarity of the black wolf-head ring, that she wore on her index finger! I like wearing strange, unusually big rings on my index finger too! Maybe that’s why?!…

My head is spinning. I can’t think clearly! I am very tired. Who…is…she?!

She read my mind.

I think I heard her say “I am you. You are the stronger version! Take me inside. Hear me. See me. I am tired of not being seen. Not being heard. The loneliness is approaching again. It’s drawing very close. Don’t let it take me. See me. Hear me. No one else does. I’m tired too.”

to be cont-

Sadness

They keep on saying ‘hate’ is a strong word! They keep repeating to find another! A softer version. Like what???? ‘Loathe’? ‘Disdain’? ‘Detest’?!!..Are those better?!

Maybe.

Oh wait, they just corrected me! They just zealously responded: “Use..’dislike’!

Ah! ‘dislike’!

Especially uncapitalized! Look how…friendly it looks! How dis..arming! Yes yes I know! We are talking about how it ‘sounds’! I get it! We are discussing how the word ‘hate’ ‘sounds’!…Right! Forgive me! We are examining how this poor word is frowned upon by…..gentle, peaceful and caring people! The kind of people, who think, shooting you a disappointed, sad and sometimes even scorning look…when they hear you say ‘I hate…’, is BY FAR…waaaay better than?!…You, using the word..’hate’! Does that make any sense?!

So, if I follow their logic, I need to perhaps say ‘Sadness! I ‘dislike’ you’! A bit wimpy! Don’t you think?! I do!

I am sorry! But there is no other word I can use to express, my disdain towards something, so..unmerciful, barbaric, cruel and with out the slightest remorse!

Sadness is devouring dear friends! Next door neighbours, and random innocent people I have never met!

I watch it consume them! Its avaricious jaws, chewing them piece by piece! They wake up, healthy humans! Sadness immediately opens the door, barges in uninvited, sits on their beds and slowly, extends its grey ghostly hand..and draw them in close to it! Whispering ‘Let the feast begin…’

To this, the only words that suffice are

Sadness, I hate you

My Very First Fundraising

Today, marks my very first fundraising!

I decided to let go of my prolonged hesitation! My fear of rejection..and my pride!

I decided to try making this Christmas less stressful on a few families I know. I have been struggling with this! I am not close friends with them, and I could’ve said to myself ‘I wish I could do something but what can I do?!’! And leave it at that! I’ve done that before many times! We all have.

This time around, I decided to do something! They have kids! That changed it all for me!

So far, not bad at all! The support has been great from my coffee customers especially!It’s looking pretty good!

At the same time, this whole thing caused me anxiety! What if I offend those I’m trying to help?! What if they are to discover it was I! How would that affect my relationship with them?! What if they refused the help?! What if …filled my head!

Action. Action is my thing. Doing something about ‘it’! Whatever it is! I don’t always succeed! I fail to do ‘something’ at times! A lot of times..

What did I learn from this experience so far?!

I learnt, doing something like this takes nerves and requires courage! I’m not one to ask. And asking others to help others ‘through me!’, felt very unnatural and even awkward! It’s not easy at all!

I learnt, that your heart gets full of amazing gratitude, when ‘your people’, in my case my coffee customers and friends, decided to support me. The trust is overwhelming but so so beautiful! You feel that warmth swimming in your heart! It’s a new type of warmth! That I have never felt before! And that is pretty cool!

I also learnt, I may not be too too bad at this after all. The art of getting others, to help others. To find humanity and spread it around. To inspire others to care. It’s a beautiful thing.

I wish, I could fill the world with creative ideas that inspire us all, to be there for one another! Our humanity is THE most beautiful thing that we can give! I truly believe in that!

What I have also learnt, sometimes…the ones we least expected to exhibit ‘actual’ care! May surprise us! And the ones, that we expected to help, simply don’t! They just magically disappear. But I sort of, knew that already! I don’t get shocked as easily anymore! I think a lot of how humans behave! And my cynicism is well established deep in my psyche! I don’t trust easy! But if I give you my heart, my word, it’s there forever. And when/if I discover ‘your soul’ is a rare beautiful one, I usually cradle it very gently between my palms. And I may even water it diligently, so it continues to flourish and grow! So it could fill the world…with light.

And I’m still learning…

The Sedentary Gypsy

She was a gypsy! Ready to leave all behind, and start anew anytime! Ready to move and forsake her unceremonious life…at her proverbial habitat, at any opportunity!

She didn’t belong to any geographical city or town! Her heart allured her to follow it on an endlessly stretching journey! And she often excitedly appeased it and …entrancingly surrendered, to its enchanting whispers! Full of anticipation resembling a child’s wonder. Ready to explore what’s out there! Ready to set off her temporary roots, once more…somewhere new…

The promise of discovery, always tantalizing! Always mysterious! Always begging her to trust it! What would she contrive?! What would she discover ?! What is she going to learn?! And what array of possibilities and adventures are awaiting?!

She often pondered the old proverb “The grass is always greener on the other side”! How critical it is ! How it’s subtly wise, yet full of disdain, mockery and carries a sense of taunting repudiation!

Is she really that foolish? Is she really that naïve to believe that the only reason for her constant traveling, her constant yearning, her passionate thirst for what’s out there, was all due to not understanding the meaning of settling down in one spot, one house, one job, one family, one circle of people?!

No. She neither believes, nor does she have any faith, in that misleading and judgmental verdict!

Her sensitivity to texture, colour or even a tone, compels her to continue searching…But this is just a simple example, of her complexity! She is aware it can get way more complicated than just following a tone, a splash of colour or texture…at times!

She realizes how she’s a sponge, for anything she can see, touch, taste and hear!But also, how she can see new opportunities everywhere she goes!

She’s a wonderful mixture of impulsiveness and practicality. She also thinks of life as full of opportunities that should not be missed for the sake of settling!

And when she finds herself, learning slowly… the art of being ‘idle’! When she watches herself, leisurely succumbing to sedentary life, she gets up, stretches out her lazy unused dormant muscles; then she dusts herself off and sets on finding a new adventure! Since if she doesn’t! She’s no longer a gypsy! Her bright colours are muted! The reds are all lost hues of beige and muddy browns! And when that happens, if that happens, she might as well call herself….

…..a sad sedentary gypsy!

All confined and forgotten, alone! Weeping over her long lost, and withering….sense of wonder!

* * *

Are you a gypsy?! Or are you happy just settling?!

Ozzy & Rain

I wanted to ride Ozzy yesterday! The chestnut horse! After riding Rain the Appaloosa mare the time before!

Ozzy is an Arabian horse. Arabian horses are known for their high intelligence! They’re amazingly perceptive, as well as intuitive!

Ozzy carried me on his back, for a couple hours on many different trails and terrains! Up and down we went!

After I got to saddle him, I led him to the ring! Which he totally hated!

His ears were tucked back the whole time! A clear indication of his discontentment! He wanted to be free outside the ring! He wanted to be on the trails! He loves the trails.

I had to quickly control him after a bit of running! Due to the snow and ice on the ground! But it was such a thrill for him and I together while it lasted!

At times, I had to steer him (gently of course) away from the icy patches, as I could spot them along the trail! And I’d guide him to walk on the grassy part of the trail instead. He obeyed all my commands without any fuss. I barely had to use the reign! A very gentle nudge was enough most of the time!

Some of the trails were very narrow! I had to be carful to steer him quickly, so I don’t get attacked by overgrown branches! Or worse, get hooked on a branch and off his back, then him continuing unaware and leaving me behind hanging off a tree! (Makes for a very funny image)!

Ozzy was a breeze to ride! My favourite horse so far! He is a very smart horse! That’s for sure!

I was told, he is intelligent, does not like hesitation and does not like a rider who isn’t agile (basically shifty) or lacks confidence! That’s why they highly recommended him for me! They were right! Him and I were a perfect match! In no time I had managed to earn his respect, and he earned mine just as quick!

At the same time, Ozzy is an older horse! That meant he was cautious when going downhill! Carful of where to step! Just like an older human would do!

I can say, lately, riding has been my absolute favourite hours of my week! There are no words that can describe the tranquility and peace I feel!

Until next time…