* * *
The deer finished his coffee, smoked a couple of cigarettes…then left! Kept staring into the tress…No words spoken!
And just as he had done so many times before, he kept his secrets tucked close to his hairy senescent chest! He is not one to share them easily! He never was…
When I used to ask! When I used to pry! He used to say ‘it’s my way of protecting myself’! Except, the difference is, I don’t believe those excuses anymore! I think…may be he never had any secrets at all! And he just pretended to have them, so I’d stay around! He knew I liked secrets! It helped him remain mysterious and captivating! Was it all a game in the end?! Was it all a game..from the very beginning! That we both played!
I bumped into him again later! By then, I was more awake! I was dressed and had my usual forest ‘mucks’ on! He was again, dressed like…all the other deer! Brown, beige and a little splash of black, that also looked…more like a brown than a black! Basically brown was all over him! And brown, took all over him, including his ..once vibrant, intelligent and very interesting soul! And by then he ‘of course’ had reverted back to his wide default capricious smile, that would always suddenly emerge, every single time, he used to see me! Which I used to love, but now it only manages to remind me of…his redundant…simplicity. And now…I watch myself…getting frustrated inside, when I see it!
What happened this morning was simply an odd deviation from the norm! Letting me see him! The real him, and the real pain hidden inside of him! Was all simply…an anomaly! May be there was never any pain to start with! May be that too, was a lie…to keep me. May be it’s me. May be I simply cannot believe anything about the deer anymore.
Later…he told me more lies. This time, I questioned them all! He said he was going shopping for new bow ties for his spectacular new deer tux! I called him insensitive, as I was in a middle of telling a grey story about a greyish time, in the forest!
He tried to convince me, it was completely unintentional! That ‘our definition of a crisis is simply …different!’. Did he actually expect that to work?! The clinical ‘smart logic’ that he used many times before!
The deer was trying hard to win me over again. He even turned around in circles to impress me! Little did he know, I was growing so tired of the circles and the dance.
I was being incredibly difficult. I knew I was. But it didn’t matter! As I figured, I needed to throw all into the fire, soon. For once and for all!
I tested his patience. I pushed a lot of his buttons. And surprisingly, he still had more patience left! Why?! He knew I was leaving him….for good this time.
I know the deer is wild. The deer, also knows…that I am wild too! We both morph into dark entities. We are very similar in that sense! We both have that capability! We both can hurt. We both can pounce. We both can…damage.
The difference between us, is he…still thinks I’m beautiful and interesting! While I…can see how dull, conventional and unalluring he is! It has nothing to do with his greying fur! Nothing to do with, his tired eyes! Nothing to do with, his yellowing teeth! Nothing to do with…his declining health! I accept all of those! I may even…like’m. I’m strange that way! But…what I cannot like anymore…is how hollow he looks/feels to me everyday! How empty! And…how ‘normal’ like everyone else! He’s just like everyone else now..and has been…for a while…I just didn’t want to see.
May be, he was always ‘normal’! Maybe he was always as monotonous as every other deer in this forest! But…again…why didn’t I see?!!!!
That question burns and burns…every night! Everyday…every time…I allow myself to..remember. That he’s still out there…looking for me! Waiting for me.
The truth is, I remember less everyday! I am capable of being cold and callus this way! And..I think he knew this…from the very beginning!
yes my dear deer, I am capable of hurting you! And I feel…nothing!
There are…million more exciting things than you…I only have to start with coffee (on my own)…and end with wine!
I wish you the best! I just don’t wish to know how your day is going ……anymore!
I’m finally wild again…
I’m finally…free….to be on my own….