The Dancing Ego

My ego opened up its phone…

It had no idea what it’ll find this morning!

Work Emails, immediately jumped first on the screen! “We would like those coffee gifts baskets to include more French Macarons”. Guess it’s going to be a busy day, full of packaging and baking!

It then, scrolled down to find, a wonderful comment on my humble blog! (I hate the word blog. But that’s for another day).

As it demanded more coffee! And just when it had one foot out of bed! It suddenly stopped…

And for the next few minutes, my silly ego feasted on a wonderful comment, a friend had left earlier! Then?!…it won’t leave me alone!!!

It jumped out of bed, threw the sheets up in the air, picked one, and danced and twirled all while holding that sheet like a victory flag! Then finally tossed it at me..and ran downstairs to have more coffee! Leaving me behind to clean up the mess!

I’ll have to follow it downstairs, and plead with it to slowdown, so I can be a sensible human today!

Good morning to all the beautiful souls out there…please join me for coffee…I’ll make it.

Photo credit: Unsplsh

A Horse’s Touch

I was full of hesitation to go be with the horses today! My energy was at a low level! And I knew! I knew they’d sense it!

I had to really push myself to shower, get ready, then do the drive! I wanted nothing more than hiding away from people all day today!

I was afraid the horse I’m on, would lose his connection with me, and I with him!

I got there. Ringo the dog came running to greet me as soon as he spotted my car coming around the corner! He’s a Collie crossed. I immediately smiled! I love Ringo, but hardly have time to spend with him! As I usually need to keep my focus on the horses!

I did some English Posting while trotting today. It was challenging at the beginning!

Posting is to rise out of the saddle seat for every other stride of the horse’s forelegs.

Ozzy (my favourite Arabian horse) was not happy there were two new horses not too far away from the corral! And he was ready to take them on! So considering Ozzy’s fearless nature, it was better to keep him away from them! But I dearly missed him.

I posted with Shayane! A stunningly beautiful, Gypsy Vanner mare!

Shayane sensed my low energy level! She quickly decided to act outrageously stubborn and frustratingly defiant! So I had to shift my energy, or I wouldn’t have been able control her.

It took some work! As she tried hard to tell me ‘I’m not feeling you! You are weak! I’m the boss this time!’

I finally, had to stay still on her back for a minute! Shayane is standing there! Her and I were having a breather. I was trying hard to not tell my other human companion in the coral, to just…stop talking! As she continued talking to me, and laughing nonstop, in her giddy incredibly high pitched voice!

I had to resign to some leftover patience from last night! I thought I had none left! Then rummaged deep inside of me , for some crumbs of wisdom, tucked in there somewhere…

I finally found some leftover scoops of patience, in the very back of the fridge of my psyche! And a few crumbs of my worldly wisdom..that had fallen between the folds ‘of the heart of the discerning!’

I soon realized, my human companion is a nice girl, she means well, and that’s what matters.

I finally managed to control Shayane and get her to obey me while posting inside the corral! I figured, way too icy to post the trot on those trails! So I stayed around inside the ring.

In the end, my abs had the best workout! Considering, you must involve your core muscles to support you, while standing in the stirrups! Not your hands at the saddle, and not by gripping the horn either! Your legs need to also remain motionless while posting.

I’m so glad I did go to have coffee with the horses today! It was the highlight of this not so wonderful week! And a horse’s touch, was needed, to be myself again!

Hear Me. See Me

She stood beside me. We were both smoking and staring at the parking lot. Cars and shadows, gleaming here and there in the dark.

The air is cold. Our hands, the sides of our faces, our noses, our shivering lips, all feeling the assault of this cold November night! We were both standing there…shuddering!

I kept thinking, I need to get warm fast, or I’ll turn into an ice sculpture very soon! Silly images of passerby commenting on the hairstyle of the frozen sculpture, running through my head! I’m trying hard to use my last remaining active brain cells, to distract me from the cold.

I glanced at her. I have seen her before. She looked familiar! But my day had been painfully and unusually long, and I had simply lost my capacity to think straight!

It’s late in the evening. I am almost done my last pathetic act, on the stage of nicotine worshiping! I am getting ready to flick my cigarette butt on the ground, so I can step on it like a colossal figure! Feel its vulnerability and complete subordination! Briefly enjoy my revenge, savour it! Then Insure the painful reminder of my inadequate nicotine dependency, is no longer breathing! Pick it up, make sure again, that it’s completely lifeless! Examine it quickly like an expert criminal pathologist, then toss the disgusting proof, of my nicotine vice, into the garbage can!

But when I suddenly glance at her again, I notice, she’s been crying! Was she really crying?! She almost looked, like she wanted me to see her standing there…crying!

I was already frozen from the cold, but I felt like I froze even more, when I noticed her black tears, coursing down her cheeks..

“Are you alright?!” I asked.

She exhaled deeply…A mixture of a thousand sighs, being suddenly set free, escaping…under the disguise of exhaled grey air…She then responded “The world keeps rejecting me.”

And our conversation started.

I took a step closer. She now looks even more familiar! But who’s she?!…

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, her head still turned sideways. I couldn’t help but notice, the familiarity of the black wolf-head ring, that she wore on her index finger! I like wearing strange, unusually big rings on my index finger too! Maybe that’s why?!…

My head is spinning. I can’t think clearly! I am very tired. Who…is…she?!

She read my mind.

I think I heard her say “I am you. You are the stronger version! Take me inside. Hear me. See me. I am tired of not being seen. Not being heard. The loneliness is approaching again. It’s drawing very close. Don’t let it take me. See me. Hear me. No one else does. I’m tired too.”

to be cont-

Sadness

They keep on saying ‘hate’ is a strong word! They keep repeating to find another! A softer version. Like what???? ‘Loathe’? ‘Disdain’? ‘Detest’?!!..Are those better?!

Maybe.

Oh wait, they just corrected me! They just zealously responded: “Use..’dislike’!

Ah! ‘dislike’!

Especially uncapitalized! Look how…friendly it looks! How dis..arming! Yes yes I know! We are talking about how it ‘sounds’! I get it! We are discussing how the word ‘hate’ ‘sounds’!…Right! Forgive me! We are examining how this poor word is frowned upon by…..gentle, peaceful and caring people! The kind of people, who think, shooting you a disappointed, sad and sometimes even scorning look…when they hear you say ‘I hate…’, is BY FAR…waaaay better than?!…You, using the word..’hate’! Does that make any sense?!

So, if I follow their logic, I need to perhaps say ‘Sadness! I ‘dislike’ you’! A bit wimpy! Don’t you think?! I do!

I am sorry! But there is no other word I can use to express, my disdain towards something, so..unmerciful, barbaric, cruel and with out the slightest remorse!

Sadness is devouring dear friends! Next door neighbours, and random innocent people I have never met!

I watch it consume them! Its avaricious jaws, chewing them piece by piece! They wake up, healthy humans! Sadness immediately opens the door, barges in uninvited, sits on their beds and slowly, extends its grey ghostly hand..and draw them in close to it! Whispering ‘Let the feast begin…’

To this, the only words that suffice are

Sadness, I hate you

My Very First Fundraising

Today, marks my very first fundraising!

I decided to let go of my prolonged hesitation! My fear of rejection..and my pride!

I decided to try making this Christmas less stressful on a few families I know. I have been struggling with this! I am not close friends with them, and I could’ve said to myself ‘I wish I could do something but what can I do?!’! And leave it at that! I’ve done that before many times! We all have.

This time around, I decided to do something! They have kids! That changed it all for me!

So far, not bad at all! The support has been great from my coffee customers especially!It’s looking pretty good!

At the same time, this whole thing caused me anxiety! What if I offend those I’m trying to help?! What if they are to discover it was I! How would that affect my relationship with them?! What if they refused the help?! What if …filled my head!

Action. Action is my thing. Doing something about ‘it’! Whatever it is! I don’t always succeed! I fail to do ‘something’ at times! A lot of times..

What did I learn from this experience so far?!

I learnt, doing something like this takes nerves and requires courage! I’m not one to ask. And asking others to help others ‘through me!’, felt very unnatural and even awkward! It’s not easy at all!

I learnt, that your heart gets full of amazing gratitude, when ‘your people’, in my case my coffee customers and friends, decided to support me. The trust is overwhelming but so so beautiful! You feel that warmth swimming in your heart! It’s a new type of warmth! That I have never felt before! And that is pretty cool!

I also learnt, I may not be too too bad at this after all. The art of getting others, to help others. To find humanity and spread it around. To inspire others to care. It’s a beautiful thing.

I wish, I could fill the world with creative ideas that inspire us all, to be there for one another! Our humanity is THE most beautiful thing that we can give! I truly believe in that!

What I have also learnt, sometimes…the ones we least expected to exhibit ‘actual’ care! May surprise us! And the ones, that we expected to help, simply don’t! They just magically disappear. But I sort of, knew that already! I don’t get shocked as easily anymore! I think a lot of how humans behave! And my cynicism is well established deep in my psyche! I don’t trust easy! But if I give you my heart, my word, it’s there forever. And when/if I discover ‘your soul’ is a rare beautiful one, I usually cradle it very gently between my palms. And I may even water it diligently, so it continues to flourish and grow! So it could fill the world…with light.

And I’m still learning…

The Sedentary Gypsy

She was a gypsy! Ready to leave all behind, and start anew anytime! Ready to move and forsake her unceremonious life…at her proverbial habitat, at any opportunity!

She didn’t belong to any geographical city or town! Her heart allured her to follow it on an endlessly stretching journey! And she often excitedly appeased it and …entrancingly surrendered, to its enchanting whispers! Full of anticipation resembling a child’s wonder. Ready to explore what’s out there! Ready to set off her temporary roots, once more…somewhere new…

The promise of discovery, always tantalizing! Always mysterious! Always begging her to trust it! What would she contrive?! What would she discover ?! What is she going to learn?! And what array of possibilities and adventures are awaiting?!

She often pondered the old proverb “The grass is always greener on the other side”! How critical it is ! How it’s subtly wise, yet full of disdain, mockery and carries a sense of taunting repudiation!

Is she really that foolish? Is she really that naïve to believe that the only reason for her constant traveling, her constant yearning, her passionate thirst for what’s out there, was all due to not understanding the meaning of settling down in one spot, one house, one job, one family, one circle of people?!

No. She neither believes, nor does she have any faith, in that misleading and judgmental verdict!

Her sensitivity to texture, colour or even a tone, compels her to continue searching…But this is just a simple example, of her complexity! She is aware it can get way more complicated than just following a tone, a splash of colour or texture…at times!

She realizes how she’s a sponge, for anything she can see, touch, taste and hear!But also, how she can see new opportunities everywhere she goes!

She’s a wonderful mixture of impulsiveness and practicality. She also thinks of life as full of opportunities that should not be missed for the sake of settling!

And when she finds herself, learning slowly… the art of being ‘idle’! When she watches herself, leisurely succumbing to sedentary life, she gets up, stretches out her lazy unused dormant muscles; then she dusts herself off and sets on finding a new adventure! Since if she doesn’t! She’s no longer a gypsy! Her bright colours are muted! The reds are all lost hues of beige and muddy browns! And when that happens, if that happens, she might as well call herself….

…..a sad sedentary gypsy!

All confined and forgotten, alone! Weeping over her long lost, and withering….sense of wonder!

* * *

Are you a gypsy?! Or are you happy just settling?!

Ozzy & Rain

I wanted to ride Ozzy yesterday! The chestnut horse! After riding Rain the Appaloosa mare the time before!

Ozzy is an Arabian horse. Arabian horses are known for their high intelligence! They’re amazingly perceptive, as well as intuitive!

Ozzy carried me on his back, for a couple hours on many different trails and terrains! Up and down we went!

After I got to saddle him, I led him to the ring! Which he totally hated!

His ears were tucked back the whole time! A clear indication of his discontentment! He wanted to be free outside the ring! He wanted to be on the trails! He loves the trails.

I had to quickly control him after a bit of running! Due to the snow and ice on the ground! But it was such a thrill for him and I together while it lasted!

At times, I had to steer him (gently of course) away from the icy patches, as I could spot them along the trail! And I’d guide him to walk on the grassy part of the trail instead. He obeyed all my commands without any fuss. I barely had to use the reign! A very gentle nudge was enough most of the time!

Some of the trails were very narrow! I had to be carful to steer him quickly, so I don’t get attacked by overgrown branches! Or worse, get hooked on a branch and off his back, then him continuing unaware and leaving me behind hanging off a tree! (Makes for a very funny image)!

Ozzy was a breeze to ride! My favourite horse so far! He is a very smart horse! That’s for sure!

I was told, he is intelligent, does not like hesitation and does not like a rider who isn’t agile (basically shifty) or lacks confidence! That’s why they highly recommended him for me! They were right! Him and I were a perfect match! In no time I had managed to earn his respect, and he earned mine just as quick!

At the same time, Ozzy is an older horse! That meant he was cautious when going downhill! Carful of where to step! Just like an older human would do!

I can say, lately, riding has been my absolute favourite hours of my week! There are no words that can describe the tranquility and peace I feel!

Until next time…

Sit Beside Me II

* * *

The deer finished his coffee, smoked a couple of cigarettes…then left! Kept staring into the tress…No words spoken!

And just as he had done so many times before, he kept his secrets tucked close to his hairy senescent chest! He is not one to share them easily! He never was…

When I used to ask! When I used to pry! He used to say ‘it’s my way of protecting myself’! Except, the difference is, I don’t believe those excuses anymore! I think…may be he never had any secrets at all! And he just pretended to have them, so I’d stay around! He knew I liked secrets! It helped him remain mysterious and captivating! Was it all a game in the end?! Was it all a game..from the very beginning! That we both played!

I bumped into him again later! By then, I was more awake! I was dressed and had my usual forest ‘mucks’ on! He was again, dressed like…all the other deer! Brown, beige and a little splash of black, that also looked…more like a brown than a black! Basically brown was all over him! And brown, took all over him, including his ..once vibrant, intelligent and very interesting soul! And by then he ‘of course’ had reverted back to his wide default capricious smile, that would always suddenly emerge, every single time, he used to see me! Which I used to love, but now it only manages to remind me of…his redundant…simplicity. And now…I watch myself…getting frustrated inside, when I see it!

What happened this morning was simply an odd deviation from the norm! Letting me see him! The real him, and the real pain hidden inside of him! Was all simply…an anomaly! May be there was never any pain to start with! May be that too, was a lie…to keep me. May be it’s me. May be I simply cannot believe anything about the deer anymore.

Later…he told me more lies. This time, I questioned them all! He said he was going shopping for new bow ties for his spectacular new deer tux! I called him insensitive, as I was in a middle of telling a grey story about a greyish time, in the forest!

He tried to convince me, it was completely unintentional! That ‘our definition of a crisis is simply …different!’. Did he actually expect that to work?! The clinical ‘smart logic’ that he used many times before!

The deer was trying hard to win me over again. He even turned around in circles to impress me! Little did he know, I was growing so tired of the circles and the dance.

I was being incredibly difficult. I knew I was. But it didn’t matter! As I figured, I needed to throw all into the fire, soon. For once and for all!

I tested his patience. I pushed a lot of his buttons. And surprisingly, he still had more patience left! Why?! He knew I was leaving him….for good this time.

I know the deer is wild. The deer, also knows…that I am wild too! We both morph into dark entities. We are very similar in that sense! We both have that capability! We both can hurt. We both can pounce. We both can…damage.

The difference between us, is he…still thinks I’m beautiful and interesting! While I…can see how dull, conventional and unalluring he is! It has nothing to do with his greying fur! Nothing to do with, his tired eyes! Nothing to do with, his yellowing teeth! Nothing to do with…his declining health! I accept all of those! I may even…like’m. I’m strange that way! But…what I cannot like anymore…is how hollow he looks/feels to me everyday! How empty! And…how ‘normal’ like everyone else! He’s just like everyone else now..and has been…for a while…I just didn’t want to see.

May be, he was always ‘normal’! Maybe he was always as monotonous as every other deer in this forest! But…again…why didn’t I see?!!!!

That question burns and burns…every night! Everyday…every time…I allow myself to..remember. That he’s still out there…looking for me! Waiting for me.

The truth is, I remember less everyday! I am capable of being cold and callus this way! And..I think he knew this…from the very beginning!

yes my dear deer, I am capable of hurting you! And I feel…nothing!

There are…million more exciting things than you…I only have to start with coffee (on my own)…and end with wine!

I wish you the best! I just don’t wish to know how your day is going ……anymore!

I’m finally wild again…

I’m finally…free….to be on my own….

Sit Beside Me

I whispered. He didn’t hear me. I didn’t really say it. I thought I did! But I couldn’t quite find my voice…yet! It’s still very early in the day for any type of conversation.

‘On this grey morning…Let’s have coffee!’

Again, he didn’t hear me…As I said it this time..with my eyes..May be I did not want him to hear me!

The deer looked at me! He looked..tired!

I wondered..did he have a rough night sleep there in the woods? Was he sleeping all curled up lonely and cold? Shivering on his twiggy, weedy and spindly bed, while his herd slept together all snuggled up and warm?! Did they abandon him, while they all huddled tightly on a cozy patch of thick long, dry, comfy grass?! Or, was his night full of voracious predators, chasing him?!…What happened?! And most importantly…is it…true?

He just…looked at me. His usually big beautiful blue sparkling eyes…looked like dark dull hollow deserted wells! Full of many things I did not want to see this early in my morning. A mixture of, throbbing torment, poignant melancholy and a tinge of somber grief!!

Do I ask why?! Do I want to go there?! It’s way too early for sadness! Again…is it even true?!

The morning horizon is grey, with the most fainted bluish tinge! You have to search hard for the blue strings to find them, and snag some alluring optimism! Only to quickly realize, how the sun did not stand a chance penetrating the thickly conjoined clouds. They lingered up there above the trees, not budging! As if conspiring of how to make this day, the most….loneliest, dreariest November day possible!

The deer to my surprise, as if reading my thoughts, lowered his head down in agreement! Staring at the freezing desolate wintery ground.

‘Coffee? At least?!’

I finally decided to ask.

He turned his head to the side! Away from me…as if trying to decide whether to accept my coffee offer, or to just walk away and continue regurgitating his sadness..Alone!

I followed his gaze into the forest! Then as I brought my eyes back towards him…I could see, how from the side of his head, his deer fur looked…greyish, pale and…ruff! A matching reflection, of how he was feeling inside!

He definitely had a long night! I’m starting to believe it…

I tried not to act presumptuous! I decided to let him say the next word..or sentence!

But something about the deer this morning, that is about to change a lot of perspectives, for me, and for him!

I poured him a cup of hot black coffee.

He finally decided to accept it! And quietly said ‘thank you’

to be cont-

Conversation With A Deer

A deer she sees a lot in the forest…knocked on her door today…

He was dressed in a turtleneck and had his warm winter coat on, buttoned all the way down.

He also had a coffee in his hand!

The deer, was looking embarrassed! She peered at him as she opened the door! He earnestly said ‘Good day….I am sort of tired of being alone! And I thought…’. The deer didn’t seem to know how to finish what he was attempting to say!

She opened the glass door to her roasting lab, a little further.. Kept it…ajar, all while still quietly observing him!

The deer hesitated! He was sensitive enough to notice, over the years, she does not usually have strangers around, let alone inviting them in! No one comes around there.

She smiled at him!

The deer stood there.

She looked at him. He looked at’r. He finally broke the silence ‘I see you are busy! It’s ok! Some other time maybe’. She tried to be gentle while responding ‘but..you knocked on my door! :)’. The deer is now, looking..rather more embarrassed. His hesitation is more and more apparent!

He was right! No strangers are allowed around where she lives, and works…The forest is usually very quiet…The only noises around, are the birds chattering about what to have for breakfast, lunch or dinner; where would they need to fly and get it! Is it going to be take out, or dine in! They usually neither tell her, nor invite her! May be some day…she keeps waiting…wishing. They usually fly away in a hurry! And she is never to know, their verdict!

The deer tried to hide his embarrassment by saying ‘I am really sorry I did! I don’t know what I was thinking! I listened to the dog’s advice the other day! Your dog! She is very wise! She said to try to get to know you! Perhaps, that’ll lessen both of our loneliness in this big quiet forest! The dog meant well! But..I should’ve thought about it a bit further!..I apologize again, for disturbing your day! And work.’

The deer shifted his back hooves! Getting ready to turn around, and disappear into the dim misty forest!

She decided to allow him to walk away! She tacitly agreed to watch him leave… And just stood there..while he slowly disappeared into the mist…into the deep woods….She is only interested in him, if he finds the courage to face his loneliness! She is only willing to listen, if he knows what he really wants! She will only open the door and invite him in, if he is…confident! She is tired of watching a lot of deer..pass by…full of hesitation…unsure of life…unsure of how to talk to her…not knowing or noticing…her heart…or…theirs….! It’s tiring. It’s sad. They all walk by…full of fears.

Is it always going to be this way?!

Are the shadows in the forest darker than all their hearts?! Or are their hearts darker than the shadows?!

How long is she left to wonder!?