When I Grow Up

I’d like to be, Anna Madrigal.

As a heterosexual woman, this is a tricky subject! As one can risk getting easily misunderstood!

But I feel…this place is where I can be myself! It’s where I can lift the edge of my long dress, and marsh into the dreary and murky terrains, of all the possible misunderstandings…and postulations.

My head is held up high! My fears of the soft soil beneath my steps, are real! But they’re are not enough, to scare me.

I would like, to be, Anna Madrigal when I grow up.

I did not undergo a gender change op. I am a female. But, watching myself weep at the end of the series ‘Tales of The City”, compelled me to stop and think!

Anna died! It’s like I knew her! Anna shouldn’t die!

I loved Anna.

It made me realize, how tired I am, of all societal prejudices! How, I feel, I am strong enough, to take on that role one day! Be the ‘gracious’ dope smoking, sugar addict..90 years old…protector! Open up a haven, for those who are mistreated for their ‘love’, and misjudged for pursuing their love. It’s just too painful to whiteness and do nothing.

Yes, I do realize, the LBTQ community has come a long way. I get that. But some, some, continue to live in such sad vulnerability!

The show, opened up my eyes, to so many things.

I’ve had my share of indoctrination. I’ve had my share of religious agendas being pushed on me day in and day out!

“Today, you need to conform! Today! Your Christian Faith better shine brighter! Judge! You must judge all sin”! NO. I will not ‘judge all sin’. I will not place God in a box. He’s mine. What happens between he and I, is my business! And only mine. I will not, judge. I am no better, than anyone. My faith, does not, credit me with a righteously judging badge that I can flash in the face of others. Anytime I feel like it!

I had my share of Judaism too! “You need to pay attention to who you are! Be faithful to your conviction! Judge! You must judge!” No. I will not. I love and respect Judaism and think it’s wonderful! But my faith is mine. My way. No one else’s.

I am incredibly proud, of not allowing all that tremendous pressure I was subjected to, over so many years, whether it’s Christianity or Judaism, to sway me! To change how I feel and think! I did not, conform.

I will always be my accepting self. I will always hear and respect everyone. I will always dream, of becoming Anna.

Time & Space


It’s 8:30 am.

What will make you smile today?

What will make ‘me’ smile today?

Our -35 weather caused my red jujube to refuse to start this am.

Coffee shelf is nearly empty at the local store in town. I was sent a picture of the poor famished starving shelf.

My options:

– Wait until 5 pm. Spouse can drive me to stock up the store then. But that means? Complete dependency.

– Call a friend who ‘will drive me to stock up the store’! But that means? Having to spend ‘significant time’, after, quieting the voice in my head, screaming “how completely COMPLETELY…unprofessional!!!!! So you are telling me, basically, your unprofessional brain, has found logic in ‘oh let’s have a poor soul..drive us to the store, and WHILE AT IT, let’s have that poor soul juuuust wait…yup..just wait…until the shelf is stocked up and looking full and healthy again!! It’s ‘your’ responsibility! Not theirs!!!”


It will also mean, small talk during the drive!

I know…I’m awful.

Let’s hope the battery booster will do the trick.

Meanwhile…this song. And, another warm cup of coffee.

Little girl, dream
Little boy, dream

In joy and pain each one will grow
For wisdom is so much more than what we know
And every child will find their way
Of living the whole life story day by day


An exchange with a friend, took place this morning.

I basically, had a lull keeping up with some lately! And some, were wondering if it was ‘just work’!

As much as I appreciate the concerns of those who ‘think’ I’m an ‘ok’ human, and one they seem to enjoy staying in contact with; I find the subject of ‘deep or heavy’ personal discussions, to be the least comforting, if I am discussing, my own issues!

I am a great listener. But I find, I neither enjoy talking about my own issues in reverse_after all, this is why I come here to this wordosphere ;)!_, nor do I enjoy, unclear expectations, of why am I listening to you, in person I mean!

I’ll explain so I don’t sound like the shallowest human around:

– If I am going to listen! I need to know what’s expected of me! Do you need me to just listen?! If you do! I am happy to do just that!! I understand and do believe, we humans, have a need to just…feel.. we are!!…being heard. Again, that’s why I come here to blog sometimes! However, if you need my input? I need to know before hand too! So I can, come up with soooo many ideas..to dig you out 🙂

* * *

I’ve been quiet with Shell lately! And this am, her and I, had the most wonderful and honest, exchange!

Shell: Holidays can bring out a lot of stuff. Did you know that the average relationship, say one where you have to set boundaries, can only last 3 days max before reverting back to old habits? That’s huge if you are filled with days or weeks of socializing, what does that do to your inner brain? And throw Christmas markets and business planning on top of that and you have a recipe for an overload.

Taking a moment or many is good. What is the use of continuing to push forward if everything inside screams “halt”.

It’s not stopping, it’s just pausing.

When someone walks a tightrope, they pause between each step to keep their balance, without that pause, you would fall.

Anyone who thinks a pause is unnecessary enjoys the drama of losing their balance. You know the type, the ones that come in and say life is so busy and chaotic, they don’t pause between the steps….

You had a huge finish to your 2019, and now you are balancing how to bring about what you learned that year into 2020

Me: Trusting you are ‘the one person’ who understands, I won’t hesitate to tell you how one on one meeting with others make me feel ‘sometimes’! Here’s how my brain and personality operates: Deep subjects, exhaust me. I believe there’s a time for those! I most certainly believe in how important it is, to share our (not so uplifting) thoughts and experiences with those we trust! But, for me personally?! I find, I am more comfortable listening than ‘sharing’. I know my strengths, but I’m also aware of my weaknesses.

I can listen, and listen, and help find solutions, and brainstorm ideas..abt anything really! I feel..honoured..when friends open up! However, if I’m personally stuck with any ‘family, friends or even relationship issues, past or present?! I feel completely clumsy, incoherent and even awkward..if I attempt ‘talking abt it’! I believe it stems from pride, as well as perhaps, wanting to be a positive light for others, rather than a dimmer 🙂

* * *

Shell, is incredibly bright! I enjoy her brain! Immensely.

Melody Noir

I woke early this am! To a frigid temperature! -30 outside

Now what?

Music..and coffee..that’s what!

My house is warm and….very…quiet..

The smell of coffee is warming up my senses…slowly…as well as all my sleepy cells and muscles…

What music do I fill this house with?

“Melody Noir”! Patrick Watson. One of my favourites..All the illusiveness it brings to mind…And that amazing ethereal voice!!!

‘Too mellow for an early morning song” a voice said in my head!

Then I heard the voice say “oh and it’s completely moody!”

I still wanted no other to listen to.. Am I feeling romantic early this am? Not particularly! Romance is a frivolous and fleeting journey…Although, I can’t help but wonder this: To entitle someone ‘you’re the sweetest melody I ever sung’!!! What’s that feel like?! I don’t know! But it’s wonderful to listen to…That I know. And that’s all that matters lately!

I have decided: I will live day by day. No overthinking what’s to come! I honestly don’t care! I am lucky, incredibly lucky, I have lived this far! I know this may make me sound like a pessimist! But the truth, couldn’t be farther!

I love life! I laugh constantly! But I love logic too! So, one day at a time, sounds.. perfect! What would it bring? What joy can ‘I’ bring to this world? Whose life am I going to touch? Who is going to enter mine and make it richer and more…fun?!

Yes yes..I know..that contradicts my loner life pledge! But I am learning, to give others a chance to get to know me, and I, them.

Burying myself in just work, isn’t healthy.

Every year prior to Christmas, and when I am asked what do I want for Christmas, my response had been ‘new headphones’! I hate gifts.

This has been going on for years.

I basically, spend more time with my earphones than I do with anyone or..anything! So, I either wear them out, or new ones (promising the delivery of the richest audio) catch my eyes..or is it my ears?! 😉

This year? I am in love with my wireless Apple EarPods! Life has…an entirely new..sweet melody like..taste..to it

Melody Noir…and the warmest voice…on a -30 January morning in Permafrost


People Inspire Us

They do…

Happened to me today!

But first, sorry for being away! You handful of people who read my blog that (no matter how much I resist), I have actually become attached to …deep in my psyche! Please do not take offence to me resisting attachment! I fight ‘attachment’ in every shape and form I encounter! To the point: I was walking these wonderful dogs lately! And? After a few months of walking them in sometimes? -35 with windshield! I …became…you guessed it! completely and despondently… attached!

So, when the time was up (they were moving to a different city), I said my goodbyes, cried after, alone in my car! And moved on. Yup! That’s me!

I would frequent pet stores, buying them warm coats and…of course… treats too! Then when the owner would offer to pay? Half the time, I refused! I ‘wanted’ them to basically, be super warm and their paws protected from all the salt we experience thrown on our icy roads! So! No. And the treats? Pff! One lick of my face? I am paid back in multiple!

I didn’t tell anyone I did that! I seriously loved those dogs, but my deep insistence, on being a loner, living like a loner, and having zero interest in the world knowing..about my mushy heart (especially with dogs), I decided to not share!

I have this strong face that I feel, I need to guard and always present to the outsiders. And that’s how it’s going to be!

Please allow me to compose myself at this point of this post! Those dogs? Zazoozeled themselves into my heart and never left! That a word? ‘Zazoozeled’

Back to how people inspire us now!

Yes, it happened to me today! I became inspired to be:

– A better person

– To believe in my gifts

– To stop shutting the world out

The world out there ..is ‘still’…worth exploring 🙂

Madness At Christmas

What happens when you go into the deep forest to chop-up your own tree looking like a mad woman with a saw in her hand? Here’s what happens: The squirrels and the birds, let out a loud scream, frantically texting each other ‘get out! NOW!!!! I MEAN…NOW!!!’ And they all start packing their overnight bags, fastening their scarves around their little necks..The older squirrels crossing themselves mumbling ‘We’re too old for this’..And they all book it to the relatives at the hidden tree by the creek!.

Then the serious faced coffee roaster woman, drags that darn tree all the way back to the house! Her hair, all covered with snow and.. sap…She throws random decorations on it and calls it a night!

However, she somehow..still manages a moment of deep regret for the forest critters! So she pauses, lets out a long sigh..dials the Squirrel Patrol line, and announces in a somber voice ‘Forest is safe! Mad woman is out! Birds…are on their own’.


I can see you…

I can hear your thoughts…’I can’t go on like this! My bones have no strength left! The tension in my muscles! Is..crippling’

But you can! And you must!

Order your brain, to fight!

I am right here! Right here by your side! I won’t leave you! I won’t forsake you!

I am sitting in this calm, with you. Stay here. With me.

I know you’ve made mistakes! But let’s order this brain of yours, to find the calm. It’s the only way out.

I will show you, the way to be resolute. I will hold your hands. Together, we will unblindfold your eyes….

Look in the mirror, look straight into the mirror..don’t look away! This is you! Beautiful you!