Welcome, have a seat

Good morning…

Good morning to you whoever you are reading this…And welcome to my little studio room of a blog. Please let me take your coat. Please have a seat…oh..not that chair! It’s sacred! It’s mine! Just sit here in this one right beside it! :)..Please don’t get alarmed!…I hope my ‘directing’ approach to seating choices, did not..well.. make you uncomfortable! The opposite is in fact intended!

Please relax and try to understand this: (I’m saying this while smiling at you to shower you with ease! Please allow me)! I am picky! I have my favourite seat where looking at you sitting to my right, feels so much better than tilting my head left to talk to you! (Messing with you ;)..I actually just love that chair and you will have to earn me offering it to you one day! Hope you’ll get there..but please don’t rush! I won’t be ! 🙂

I just walked to the kitchen to get you coffee! ‘How do you like your coffee?! :)’I ask!

You: ‘A bit of cream and sugar would be great!’

I’m immediately perplexed! I’m a coffee fanatic! Cream and sugar added to pure black silk, is the biggest sin in my coffee world! No no no! Not a coffee snub! I just prefer ‘good coffee’..black. Stripped from unnecessary additives that’ll interfere with its glory and holly taste! No need to mask those wonderful flavours, those dancing in your mouth, skipping up and down and jumping all over your tongue..nuances…

No no no! Not a coffee snub!

(Head down..quietly and nearly whispering)..yes yes ..yes..a total coffee snub.

Of course, I don’t reveal any of my (I’m in fact a terrible host) coffee related thoughts!

‘A bit’ of cream and sugar?! Sure! Here it comes…as I continue walking towards my kitchen.

My eyes smile at you again first..to extend and renew my welcome, after clumsily instructing you of where to sit! Please forgive me.

Where were we?!

I hand you your coffee…You set it on the table! I smile quietly at you!

See! I’m used to people who know ‘my coffee’ nearly snatching it out of my hand, closing their eyes, and taking a slow savouring sip! It pleases me. It shows I did well! Obsessing over temperature fluctuations during my coffee roasting process! Testing, smelling, detecting little grains in the bean…is it perfect? Is the (S) graph on the computer screen, adjacent to the roaster, following its steady rise?! And so many other nerdy variables I must go through during the process of coffee roasting…It’s a labour of love. A cliché phrase! Wish I can come up with a better one! One day perhaps…

You haven’t taken a sip yet! Please do. Please don’t be nervous! And ….

Welcome to my little studio blog, where the sign on my door says ‘Open’!

Glad you found it as I continue to refuse to put signs on the road leading wanderers to me! This is my sacred little space! Where I can be free to be me! Where my unverbalized peculiarities, feelings, thoughts and emotions that I guard and protect very carefully, get to dance in the sunlight! Where the dark becomes blinding light. Where I can twirl, jump on chairs (not my favourite one of course unless I want to break even that rule) and where I can play my classical music very loudly and very quietly at times. Where I make rules then break them. Where I can hold the birds I befriended outside my door, watching them trusting me to carry them around…fluttering around me…loving me as I love them. No strings attached…we all fly together.

Note: I have not edited this yet..it’s raw and imperfect and perhaps full of spelling and grammar mistakes and I love it! But I will (embellish after I finish my coffee) I think…

My Music..My Runaway Feelings

Personal sketch

“We build It up

We tear it down

Leave our pieces on the ground”

A song by Rob Thomas.

Emotional! Very emotional.

I am one of those strange people who can play a certain song on repeat loud in their ears, yet can neither watch a movie twice, nor read a book more than once.

Very strange! I know!

Rob Thomas’s song is blasted in my ears! I can feel my emotions rising! I can feel nostalgia setting in. I can feel that sharp sting of my ‘yearning’. A yearning towards faces, places, warmth…

All of my yearnings are now becoming a jumble in my psyche! They abruptly drift in many different directions, then come back and violently smash into each other! I am helpless…They control me.

The only time they slow down a little, is when I pay attention to the sound of the piano and the ever sweet interjection of the violin at the end of the song.

Part of my soul feels thrilled, at feeling…I am …feeling…I feel alive.

My extremely quiet life, combined with a few other facts: – An introverted nature. – Little actual interaction with humans on a daily basis. – Being self-employed, and making my own rules of not having to encounter face to face meetings with my customers, all make it incredibly quiet all around me most of the time…

In the end…I hear me saying in my head: ‘I am not used to intense feelings any longer!’ At the same time…I know that I do feel a lot when given a chance. Or rather, when I take the chance to feel!

I sit down..the song is still blasted in my ears…I start questioning the validity of this emotional high I’m in. What for?! I ask myself. I don’t find a logical answer. The little voice jumps back in ‘switch if off…or you’ll start texting your sister telling her you miss her’. /was worse than that actually;)/.

I immediately switch to something completely different: ‘Pachellbel’s Canon in D Major’. Yes yes the same AMAZING piece they butchered, sliced and ripped to shreds in order to play redundantly in weddings! Yes yes YES..it breaks my heart they did that and still do it everyday to one of my absolute favourite classical music pieces!

I immediately calm down. My emotions calm right down. I’m now transformed into a floating being…I’m floating slowly down a beautiful stream…I am staring at the sky above me…The music is filling my ears…The rhythm is incredibly soothing…I’m in it..it’s in me…we are one…

Music is magical! I couldn’t live without it…

It has the power to make me feel, even when my life does not support a whole lot of the feeling business. Even when, my logic always tries to intervene to protect me from feeling. Even when, my fears of feeling too much and getting hurt…surround me.

“The Squirmy Introverted Beast”

Getting back into the routine of things after a vacation, proved to be somewhat hard this time around!

See, for an introvert, it’s always difficult to be with someone ‘anyone’ for a longer period of time! And despite the fact that she was fully aware of being one, she still wanted to think, she had finally managed, to not allow her introversion to show its snarly teeth, during vacation time with her spouse!

Yes, she succeed! She can raise her arm above her head, pat herself on the back, and say congratulations on managing her introversion tendencies during a three week vacay time! But now what?!…

Since they’ve been back, it’s been a bit harder to tame the introverted beast twisting and squirming inside of her!

It’s been 4 days! The early snow fall of the season, made it feel like being trapped inside that house of theirs!

The introverted beast demanded out! It demanded its basic rights to be recognized…like stretching out its folded introverted limbs! Then it rapidly started to show signs of near rebellion! What’s she to do?!…

Tomorrow will be different -She told the introverted squirmy beast inside her soul! Attempting to quiet it down- Tomorrow, I will have my first few hours alone! I will cut you loose. I will set you free. I will have coffee with you after you stretch out of your cage.

“The Unbearable Vulnerability of a Snowflake”

What is life!

Why do we live!

Why do we have coffee?

Why do we cook dinner?

Why do we do a lot of things?

She sat there…the snow is still falling for what felt like eternity…It showed no intention of stopping.

The windows that stretched from floor to ceiling, looked like…they were sticking their tongues out at her…as if mocking ‘LOOK….double dare you not to! Snow, snow and more snow…look’.

She sighed.

The white flakes kept showing their vulnerability to gravity…down…down…they slowly and helplessly took the journey downwards…landing on top of each other…their brethren and sistren laying flat underneath, had no say in the matter!

They looked as if, they simply resigned to just laying there…waiting for more of their ghostly white family members to arrive and pile on.

‘Own sketch’/not signed. I sometimes forget to sign my art…

I’m Anxious


I return home from vacation tomorrow. 

I am anxious.

It’s been a great vacation.

But I’m anxious.

The sun is setting. I’m sitting on a lounge chair by the pool in my bathing suit. And I’m anxious.

There’s a big stretch of green grass in front of me. The pool water is blue and calm. But I’m anxious.

It’s quiet all around me. I hear a plane flying above every now and then. Even that noise is a far one and doesn’t really disturb! But I’m still anxious!

It’s warm out. It’s October 10. Temp is around 88. I love the warmth! But why am I anxious?!

I will see my chocolate Labrador dog tomorrow. And I’m anxious. She will greet me and go back to her bed and sleep! I…wish…she’ll do this instead: cuddle, then cuddle, then cuddle, then turn around in circles like those army veterans’ dogs whose videos are all over the internet! I wish she’ll do that.

I just got home. My dog ran and ran in circles when she saw me…she cuddled and cuddled! She said ‘you shoulda had more faith’

Perfectionism Won’t Protect You but It May Make You Invisible — Brenda Knowles of space2live

“If we just try hard enough we can avoid all these situations that make us feel so vulnerable.” — Caroline McGraw How many of us can relate to the above statement? I know I can. For the longest time, I thought if I do everything just right, no one will call me out or criticize…

via Perfectionism Won’t Protect You but It May Make You Invisible — Brenda Knowles of space2live

My Little FL Friend

🦎🚘 Anoliville Tale

11:39 AM
Spouse and I arrived at our FL villa. We were tired and jet-lagged.

We open the door to get in, set down our luggage and IMMEDIATELY notice this little baby Anoli jumps inside too with us! He’s now ahead of us by the front door, clutching his tiny Anoli suitcase initialed “A” _very impressive_ and screaming ‘VACAY TIME YO’. Hmmm now what?! Spouse ‘as it usually goes in any situation that involves harmless, defensless at best, completely terrified of humans, little tiny creatures’, jumps, leaps and screams..and now!? He’s in the kitchen way far from the imminent danger zone! Leaving me behind one km away! ‘WHAT WAS THAT?!!!’ He screamed! He’s 6’6.

I’m used to this by now of course! So I patiently coax little A back outside, all while he’s insisting and protesting ‘but I’m harmless!!! Look at me for Goodness’ Sakes!!! C’MON!!!! At least let me see what’s inside for once!!! I’m really tired of peeking through the screen! Can I can I can I??pleasaaase!’. His frontal little Anoli claws conjoining together and begging!
Me: ‘sorry little one! Can’t! Hubster is terrified of you and finds you a bit intimidating! Please don’t take it personal’!

Lil A jumps in definace! Gaaa I’m really tired but I’m also really loving watching him up close and personal inside my house, where he looks soooo cute! I seriously wished I could keep’m, show him around, have a French pressed coffee together by the pool, watching him stretch his tiny little legs, Chat it up about the latest in Anoli-Ville! Nope! None of that was going to happen! Alas…I had to basically attempt to scare the little guy off with all what was left of my human strength!

I waved my hands, he jumped inside the coat closet by the door! Spouse yelling again: ‘make yourself look bigger and shoo him out’! I contemplated responding ‘yah..he’s not a bear! Won’t work now anyway, he’s already on his way to the bedroom! Go snuggle’ but I didn’t think he’ll find it funny! So I upped up my game to say adios to little A, picked him up by his little tail and gently placed him outside the door!

Bye little A! I’m sure I’ll see you around xo.

Note: sure enough! I did see him around attempting to catch a ride to the beach