When The Magic Disappeared

My brain is tired.

I canceled work today. I am lucky I can do this. Yes! I know! I am an oh me oh my, spoiled, self-employed woman! Go ahead! Say it. It’s fine. …Really..it’s fine. Maybe, I do need someone else to carry the whip! My hand is getting tired of doing all the slashing.

Today was not a very good day.

Believing in, or I should say insisting on, remaining positive, even when my brain crosses its arms, like a sumo wrestler..right at the entrance to my little logic compartment, preventing my access to my urgent and much needed, shot of sensibility…is ..hard! (This maybe a run on sentence but tonight I don’t care).

Yesterday?! I still had a healthy dosage of optimism and..dopamine, being fed into my entire body!

Yesterday?! I even felt…beautiful for a change!

Today? When logic left me feeling all exposed…I crumbled.

There’s no one to blame but myself! There’s no doubt in my mind about that truth!

I take responsibility for acting vulnerable. I admittedly, dipped my brush in water…and decided to dilute my lately beautiful vivid canvas..full of rediscovered happinesses, with muddy puddles of self sabotage, and self blame.

I can’t trust. So it’s only natural, to not allow myself to ‘feel’ anything, but loneliness.

Loneliness is comfortable. It’s where I belong.

I enter the quiet forgotten room, I wrap my grandmother’s grey shawl around my naked body, so I can stop shivering from all the uncertainties.

I sit by the cold fireplace. I can feel the familiar defending quietness all around me.

I stare at the grey old ashes, a poignant reminder ‘there used to be life here once’.

I take off my shawl..and I stand there..then I reach out my hand.. and I smear the grey ashes all over my trembling body.

It’s all…so familiar. I’m going to be ok now.

Loneliness, I’ve missed you.

Author: Kat

I used to work as a graphic designer, until one day I was tragically and blissfully hit by two colliding meteors! One caused my falling in love with the world of coffee! And the other resulted in me falling out of love with the not so wonderful and nearly suffocating office culture! I left the glamour of the design world, and opened up my little café! Those were the best years of my life! I say ‘were’, because (wait! May be another time! But please do ask me if you ‘must’ know and can’t sleep tonight unless I tell you!) For the past three years, I have been living in a pyramid shape house in a middle of a green forest in the summer; a green forest buried underneath lots - I mean LOTS - of snow in the winter. I used to ‘think I still do ;)’ love the city! With its buzzing energy! I love to travel and seeing different food and coffee scenes...preferably alone! visiting ‘quirky and unusual’ places! I do not love visiting museums, hugely commercialized areas, malls and landmarks! I love old and full of heritage ‘anything’! I also love, to sit in a busy coffeeshop ‘reading quietly’ and not talking! Talking exhausts me most of the time! Watching the world unfold.. and thinking ...never does!

9 thoughts on “When The Magic Disappeared”

    1. I’m glad it resonated with you! (And also sad) at the same time! Isn’t striking!? To realize: how many of us, put on a strong face, every single day! How we don’t allow anyone, to see the shadows we hide so well!

      I’m glad for this space. It’s where I can lay down my shadows to rest.

      Peace to you today.

      Like

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