My brain is tired.
I canceled work today. I am lucky I can do this. Yes! I know! I am an oh me oh my, spoiled, self-employed woman! Go ahead! Say it. It’s fine. …Really..it’s fine. Maybe, I do need someone else to carry the whip! My hand is getting tired of doing all the slashing.
Today was not a very good day.
Believing in, or I should say insisting on, remaining positive, even when my brain crosses its arms, like a sumo wrestler..right at the entrance to my little logic compartment, preventing my access to my urgent and much needed, shot of sensibility…is ..hard! (This maybe a run on sentence but tonight I don’t care).
Yesterday?! I still had a healthy dosage of optimism and..dopamine, being fed into my entire body!
Yesterday?! I even felt…beautiful for a change!
Today? When logic left me feeling all exposed…I crumbled.
There’s no one to blame but myself! There’s no doubt in my mind about that truth!
I take responsibility for acting vulnerable. I admittedly, dipped my brush in water…and decided to dilute my lately beautiful vivid canvas..full of rediscovered happinesses, with muddy puddles of self sabotage, and self blame.
I can’t trust. So it’s only natural, to not allow myself to ‘feel’ anything, but loneliness.
Loneliness is comfortable. It’s where I belong.
I enter the quiet forgotten room, I wrap my grandmother’s grey shawl around my naked body, so I can stop shivering from all the uncertainties.
I sit by the cold fireplace. I can feel the familiar defending quietness all around me.
I stare at the grey old ashes, a poignant reminder ‘there used to be life here once’.
I take off my shawl..and I stand there..then I reach out my hand.. and I smear the grey ashes all over my trembling body.
It’s all…so familiar. I’m going to be ok now.
Loneliness, I’ve missed you.