I Am Not Me

Writing is cathartic. At least at times. We can all agree on that.

We sometimes write to feel free. We write to cleanse ourselves from all the shadows. We write to understand, as when we see the words forming in front of our eyes, our thoughts start to make more sense.

Lately, my health took a hit. The unkindness of the world was just so much to bear.

Yes I was offered so many apologies. Yes I was praised by some for standing up without feeling afraid. Especially, I live in a world whose walls are made of stacks over stacks of…friendly smiles! A world, whose rooms are illuminated by weak dusty unattractive fluorescent bulbs of pretentious friendships and fake sincerity. However, what I didn’t realize, my strength to stand up for my values, came at a price of my physical body. Something I did not expect will happen.

I dislike conflict. I generally need harmony around me to continue smiling. But when I’m pushed, I stand up. Fear has no place in my soul when that happens. I form my solid arguments and present them calmly but sternly. I ask questions. I refuse to be lulled by infuriating fake diplomacy. The more you lie to me, the clearer my mind becomes with my arguments. I will challenge you until you tell the truth. If you do, I will respect your admission and work on forgiveness. If you don’t, I run away from you and you will never see me again. My ears will turn deaf to your pleadings of my importance in your life. You simply stop existing and your tears don’t make any difference to me. I will not fall for them. I will quietly advice you to get up, I may even help you up. I will try to say goodbye in the least hurtful way. I will try to encourage you to learn from this experience and to move forward from it. But I will walk away. To protect me.

————————–

The contrast between personality strength and…physical one…is baffling!

Something in me changed in the last little while.

It’s not all bad. Not at all. I still create. I still work hard. But I sleep way more and my body asks me for continuous rest. It’s normal. Can’t you say?!

My spouse came home yesterday and laughed at my choice of attire while I was outside having a break.

I was having coffee with the dog, wearing a baggy cat printed dress and a long sweater on top. Socks in Birks 👍. It’s always cold around here!! Who am I turning to?!

I also withdrew from anyone I detect is going to ask questions to feed some deep well of faulty curiosity. I discuss nothing of the latest events. I talk to no one, unless, the conversation has a purpose. Sadly something incredibly rare in my world. So I just talk to my one neighbour about art, ideas, combining art and creativity with business! Things I still find passion for.

Humans. A lot of them tire me. They’re fascinated by my strong personality, creativity, business mind! But above all, they sense my sincerity in the way I live my life, and maybe that makes them..unsettled? I have no idea anymore.

Why is it rare to be sincere and honest these days?! Why did we lose our way?! Why can’t we….stop tearing others down to feel good about ourselves?! Is it the pain we feel, the frustration inside over our own failures or the failures of our loved ones, that strip away the good soil, and leaves us a lousy depleted soul?!

My own issue these days is, or at least one of them_for the sake of truthfulness and reality_ is my lack of interest in fixing the world. I find it works better for me to withdraw. I am no longer interested in finding out the real core of everyone’s issues. And the reason?!! ‘Everyone has them!’. Including me. We all have deep unresolved issues. However, hurting others due to our own unresolved issues, is not an excuse. I strongly believe, we can still be good people, no matter the pain inside. It’s a ‘choice’.

I don’t know where this world is going. Like I already mentioned, I am not interested in fixing it. I just want to live my life in peace. There’s still so much to discover. Still a lot of fun to experience. Stories to write. Stories to learn from. Countries and places to visit. Big huge seas to stand on their shores and feel the breeze and fill my lungs with it all…

I miss the ocean. Is that why I feel lost?! Do I need it to bring me back to who I used to be?! A child of the sun and the beach!

I think it’s time for me to leave this place for at least a week. On my own off I go…

  • Knowing me, I will not travel to a beached resort. I’ll get bored within a day. I will probably go to Toronto. It’s home. It’s where I can wander like a little girl mesmerized by history and variety. People will say I’m crazy considering out of all the choices I have, I ‘again’ chose TO! They only think of the skyscrapers and the chaos of the herds running downtown. I on the other hand, think of that French lady in Kensington Market, her old French music playing nostalgically in her very very old book store. Her giving me her back, bent over some musty old book, trying to find me information about …a random question I asked her. I smile, watching her. Her sincerity is real. Her keenness isn’t illusory! She’s not pretending. She’s herself.
  • I think of old brick houses with rose bushes in the front. I think of the old Art Deco furniture store full of stunning old fixtures and chairs. I’m free to browse and admire all the history without interruption.
  • I think of, strolling at 10:30 pm down Bathurst for a bite on a patio. No one knows me. No one asks me questions. I’m alone, watching the world unfold.
  • Author: Kat

    I used to work as a graphic designer, until one day I was tragically and blissfully hit by two colliding meteors! One caused my falling in love with the world of coffee! And the other resulted in me falling out of love with the not so wonderful and nearly suffocating office culture! I left the glamour of the design world, and opened up my little café! Those were the best years of my life! I say ‘were’, because (wait! May be another time! But please do ask me if you ‘must’ know and can’t sleep tonight unless I tell you!) For the past three years, I have been living in a pyramid shape house in a middle of a green forest in the summer; a green forest buried underneath lots - I mean LOTS - of snow in the winter. I used to ‘think I still do ;)’ love the city! With its buzzing energy! I love to travel and seeing different food and coffee scenes...preferably alone! visiting ‘quirky and unusual’ places! I do not love visiting museums, hugely commercialized areas, malls and landmarks! I love old and full of heritage ‘anything’! I also love, to sit in a busy coffeeshop ‘reading quietly’ and not talking! Talking exhausts me most of the time! Watching the world unfold.. and thinking ...never does!

    12 thoughts on “I Am Not Me”

    1. many things in this post resonates with me. you are sincere and authentic, you make no excuses for who you are, that is gorgeous.”But I will walk away. To protect me.” – this one line sums up the entire post – not wanting conflict but needing to protect yourself – you know what you want, that is strength.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Gina. It’s hard. At the same time, it’s life, like they say. It will take its course! It always does.
        Love to you and I hope your day is filled with sincerity, peace… and kindness.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I think we have always lived in a version of the world we have now. People tend to tear others down who are good at something. Success can lead to a reminder that they have achieved nothing or at least they think they haven’t.

      We will always have critics. Tomatoes will be tossed at our heads while roses dropped at our feet. The best we can do is hold our heads high and control our walk in life.

      Focus on things you can control and those you love. That’s all that matters. You can’t control the world but you can control your world.

      BTW: Dig your backyard. So jealous.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s worse now Bryan. I agree yes it has always been there, but I feel it’s getting worse.

        I think part of it, not all of course, is the ‘follower’ mentality that is taking over the world. A lot of people would rather follow someone or something, than feel they don’t belong.

        People used to live a simpler life. They were happier as a result. Now, life is way more complicated and people are less happier inside as a result. So they project their anxieties on others in one way or another.

        I realize it’s a deep issue. I will not say I get it. In the end, ‘it’s all been done, under the sun’, like you said. I agree there’s wisdom in your thinking.

        The backyard is still not done. A work in progress but it’s nice when it’s warm enough to go outside and use it. Did you notice the little patch of snow still there?! Sigh

        Like

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