Birds of Prey

Nothing makes sense anymore!

The feeling of being misunderstood, and left there on the side of the road to comprehension, slices deep! The little dressings aren’t doing the trick any longer.

At one point, one feels they need to exchange their entire soul, with a more resilient one! With a more suitable one for….the hawks who are zeroing in, and the ospreys filling the sky above!

How many more shocks?! How much more sinking into this quicksand called life?! How many more sleepless nights spent wondering and asking so many whys and hows! ‘Why?! How?! How did such a good deed one might have done, become this misunderstood and ends up this misconstrued?! How could something so pure, something one worked so hard for, turn into something completely deformed, and bafflingly grotesque?!’

Where do smiles live when one sets out searching for one?!

Author: Kat

I used to work as a graphic designer, until one day I was tragically and blissfully hit by two colliding meteors! One caused my falling in love with the world of coffee! And the other resulted in me falling out of love with the not so wonderful and nearly suffocating office culture! I left the glamour of the design world, and opened up my little café! Those were the best years of my life! I say ‘were’, because (wait! May be another time! But please do ask me if you ‘must’ know and can’t sleep tonight unless I tell you!) For the past three years, I have been living in a pyramid shape house in a middle of a green forest in the summer; a green forest buried underneath lots - I mean LOTS - of snow in the winter. I used to ‘think I still do ;)’ love the city! With its buzzing energy! I love to travel and seeing different food and coffee scenes...preferably alone! visiting ‘quirky and unusual’ places! I do not love visiting museums, hugely commercialized areas, malls and landmarks! I love old and full of heritage ‘anything’! I also love, to sit in a busy coffeeshop ‘reading quietly’ and not talking! Talking exhausts me most of the time! Watching the world unfold.. and thinking ...never does!

30 thoughts on “Birds of Prey”

      1. You’re as young as you want to me. Just be glad you and I were not in our 20’s at the same time.

        Here’s the scene: 1987. Motley Crue Concert. Tacoma, Washington. The hair. The clothes. The cheezy one liners. Okay….this was a bad idea. Moving on……

        Liked by 1 person

      2. THAT’S IT! you shoulda seen me sit straight when I read your comment!
        That’s it! This IS another book idea, a novel, a post…whatever! That you ‘need’ to be writing! Like RIGHT NOW

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh and glad to be in my 40s and not 20s. I had a lot of growing up to do then. My 30s were super awesome though! Why am I talking abt this? ‘Bad idea…moving on’

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Actually I think I ran a post of that time. I think. I was at a Motley Crue concert back in ’87. I think it was ’87. I remember some of the guys were dressed better than the girls. Oh what a time.

    Just remember: Your decades were stepping stones and now you are standing in the perfect spot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish I can find and read that post. The way you describe the scene then, makes me thirsty for more!

      Fabulous analogy ‘Just remember: Your decades were stepping stones and now you are standing in the perfect spot.’ So much inspiration comes out of this quote! It makes want to draw and paint and write and bake little tiny French macarons in the shape of stepping stones in different colours…then picture a light ghostly figure, stepping over them, until they reach the perfect spot in a shape of a perfect French macaron!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Kat, the Buddhists have a wisdom most of us don’t, it seems. Something I gathered from them some years back is, “I don’t know.” So much of life will never be known or understood. “I don’t know” … and I laugh out loud, at how much I do not know. How much of life can be so excruciatingly painful that it can crush you, or so it feels. At the very same time, such beauty within us and outside of us.

    I don’t know, Kat … I don’t know. I will stand on that! lol … laughter sometimes is the only thing to counter the pain. You are one of the hyper-sensitive ones in our world. It makes it sometimes all the more difficult …

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Michael,
        I had just come back from a run in wonderful spring weather when I read your comment! Then fell asleep hugging the dog on the couch and woke to read your reply! This week, has been incredibly difficult and I am exhausted. I’m so glad it’s over.

        Like

  3. Kat, I wish that the start of a new week sometimes actually started things fresh! lol … As the saying goes, ‘Wherever you go, there you are!’ Run as we might, we cannot run from who we are! Let’s keep fighting the fight, dearest Kat! Remember: You are beautiful. Inside. Outside. All sides.

    Have you watched ‘Anne of Green Gables’? As a Canadian, I trust that you have! Remember her teacher told her one time, ‘Tomorrow is fresh, with a clean slate’ — something like that. Words I work to remember!

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    1. One gets tired of the fight sometimes Michael. That’s the scary part about stuff like that! Giving up on trying to change even one sad situation for others. Coming into terms with harsh realities about others sometimes. Reading things completely wrong. Not knowing, why you are ‘hated’ this much, when all the signs were ‘thank you for helping me ‘us’! It’s all so confusing. I’m really tired.

      Like

      1. It’s painful to care intensely. Openly. Because we open ourselves, wide open. We care. We love. We feel other people. Often, I think, more clearly and intensely than they feel their own emotions. It’s an odd thing, but true.

        I don’t have any walls. I suspect you don’t, either. We can temporarily put up walls, distance ourselves from others. Just as a defensive thing. Because it hurts too much otherwise. What people say, how they act.

        You can’t create the art that you create, Kat, without being (I think) wide open to life. You can’t write what you write — raw, naked, open, uncovered — without that being who you are. The risk is rejection. But I’m not sure you can help yourself; it’s who you are. Any more than I can stop myself, from being very nakedly open about who I am and how I feel.

        But most people aren’t so open. It makes them very uncomfortable when someone basically is emotionally naked with them. And we are left there, exposed … alone. Naked, alone. It can be painful beyond any words. We risk being completely misunderstood, resented, rejected. And when it happens, it can be crushing. It is crushing. And if it happens enough times … well, I think we are resilient to a point. And there is a point — we don’t know where it is — where the resilience is worn out.

        Life isn’t just beauty. It can be agony. And when we are wide open, we feel all of it. And sometimes, it is brutal. I wish there were a milder word. But brutal is how it often feels. And very, very lonely. To see things, to feel things, to share who we are, what we see and feel, and to be misunderstood.

        Kat, I may misunderstand, not accurately see, who you are. If so, I apologize. I don’t speak for you. I speak for me, who I am.

        As I’ve said before, when I first read your writing on Brenda’s site, I immediately sensed someone very different. Delicate, beautiful, sensitive, articulate, highly intelligent. Someone open, wondering, wandering, curious. I know the rewards of being that way. I know the intensely painful risks of being that way, too. Mostly, I think the risk is a severe loneliness. And yes, I speak for me here, not you. I am feeling my own intense loneliness. I know why. I know it comes from exposing all of who I am … and sort of just being left hanging out there. Not because she doesn’t love me. Not that at all. Just some of us expose ourselves more than others, share ourselves more openly than others. When it’s not reciprocated, seen, appreciated — when we are not seen and appreciated — man, it is hard. to say the least …

        Even writing this, I am exposing myself. To you. To whoever reads it. Exposed to being ridiculed, misunderstood, criticized, laughed at. It’s why I don’t often write on your posts. The fear of all of those things. And eventually, hell, it bursts through. Who I am, bursts through. Can only be ‘kept quiet’ for so long. It is who I am. I’ve been misunderstood, rejected, resented, all of it, enough times that it doesn’t really bother me — so much. But it’s not fun.

        You are brave in sharing yourself in your posts, with strangers. Though sometimes it’s safer with strangers, than with the ones we love the most. Rejection by strangers is one thing; rejection by the ones we need and love the most — that’s hard. You expose your rawest emotions. It is risky. We grow through it all. Yet there is a point at which we can’t any more. I’m probably 20+ years your senior. I have perhaps ‘exposed myself’ more times than you, only because I have 20 years on you. Like you, I’m tired.

        I don’t have any cliches to offer: ‘hang in there,’ tomorrow will better, this too shall pass, etc. None. But it’s not a cliche for me to say to you that you are beautiful, and extraordinary, and that (I think) I see you. Perhaps there is at least one person — this older fella who writes strange stuff — who sees you. Who understands at least some of all of this stuff. Maybe not. I may be completely off base — why, I have been so many times, I’m used to that, too. Not fun, but the risk of sharing things. ‘You’re wrong!’ lol … well, okay, I’ve been here, done that, no surprise, sorry really I am! I’m a fuck, what can I say!??

        None of this eases the loneliness or the tiredness. But know that there are, perhaps, a few kindred spirits out there … you’re not entirely alone. It sometimes feels like it. But you’re not.

        Now, for all others aside from Kat who read this (and to you, Kat) … I hope I haven’t bored the hell out of you all! But if I have … oh well. Fuck me. It ain’t the first time!!! lol … and I do leave this with a laughing out loud … sometimes laughter is the only thing that keeps me going. trying to laugh through pain that often is just an absolutely bitch.

        And still, Kat, I’ll be goddamned if this is not, through it all, a spectacularly beautiful life.

        You know how much I hate posting this? I cringe. I hate exposing myself like this. But it’s who I am.

        Like

      2. I kept smiling reading this the whole time.

        Why did I smile?! Well, you are incredibly honest. You are brave to post this. Not many would. I get that. I get the feeling(s) you described. ‘Feeling exposed for the world to see. Hating the inescapable fact: one may become eaaaaaasily misunderstood and even judged.’ But I think I know why you did this: you had a gift. You wanted to …’give’.

        You were right reading through some of the vagueness in my previous comments to you. And I apologize for the frustration I may have caused with being vague. I just couldn’t say too too much as the details run from here to China! And it would’ve made for a lengthy rant. One no one needs to hear nor read.

        What I notice about you Michael, is this wonderful insistence on ‘learning’ about life. About yourself. You are not one to allow things to randomly pass you by. You stop and think. You reflect. You seek the truth. Even if it’s not pretty. You have this deep wisdom of a person who has seen and learnt a lot, yet at the same time, you possess this child like wonder about the beauty of life. You can taste life. Not everyone can. You crave it. But you’re not willing to compromise yourself anymore to get lulled by sweet bits and pieces here and there. You are either all in or..out.

        I could sense you’re tired too. And yes I am as well.

        At the same time, I think, you are, a huge optimist.

        The contradictions in both of our personalities are quite apparent. We have that in common my friend 😉

        -Boldness. Confidence. Then? One wakes up one morning, to utter doubt about it all! How does that make any sense? Well it doesn’t.

        – Wanting to run around hugging life! Myyyy Goodness it’s so incredibly and unbelievably…beautiful! Then? We screw up! A lot of times due to how honest and open we are, just like you described! And the result?! Fingers getting pointed at us ‘how dare you be different?! How dare you be THIS honest?! You are naïve! You are this…you are that..’ And in the end? We feel alone. We feel like, we don’t belong to this world! And we withdraw.

        Glad ‘no cliches’ were given Michael 😊! I don’t like’m either.

        All I know is, it would be a shame if ‘you’ stop being you! And I being I! Not wanting to ‘invest’ to make this world more beautiful than it is! Protecting ourselves from hurt, by shying away from taking action at times! Shying away from ‘giving’!

        Then the question remains: how to balance this tiredness of so many things that want to shut us down, with, this burning desire to keep going?!

        How do we believe in not giving up when so many signs out there, are signalling us to stop, retreat, follow the herd, and live a much easier life!?

        That question remains…As for me, as of now, I’ll answer ‘I don’t know!’.

        Thank you for your openness. Only do I when ‘you’ want to. I will never ever…try to push you to comment or talk. You are free my friend. You are safe too here when you decide to come out and have a coffee with me! I will protect you 😉 and that’s what friends do.

        Like

      3. Oh an one more thing Michael, you mentioned you don’t have walls! I on the other hand, have built and keep building them! Just so I help you understand who I am_and thank you for being interested in learning_ I ‘can be’ a master at building walls! And you were very close to reading me right when you said ‘that’s why it’s easier for me to lay my guard down here. In this blogosphere’. You were correct! I can be myself here more than any other place. I am more open here than I allow myself to be with others in real life. I try to balance the tall walls, with ‘action’ to better someone else’s life, even if at a small scale! I try to actually do things, come up with ideas, etc…to change this world and make it better! Then apparently THAT makes me stand out even more and some people feel threatened! So I feel cheated. I feel shucked when it happens! My confidence?! Shattered. My belief in my Goodness?! Shaken. So I build more walls. And that is what’s so scary. That is the reason behind this knot in my stomach lately that does not want to go away!

  4. Being misunderstood can be so much worse than being not understood, can’t it, Kat?

    I suspect most people would discover they felt just like you do if only they would look up from their navel-gazing themselves when they were with other people, and instead look at those people who are sitting across the table from them — look to see whether or not they were being understood.

    Like

  5. Kat and Michael, It’s so fascinating to watch people who actually think — think. You don’t see that too frequently on or offline.

    But please don’t read into my words judgement for or against the great number of us super-apes who prefer to do our thinking inside the cardboard boxes we first learned to play with as children. For the past few years, I’ve tried to keep my unnecessary judgments to a minimum. I prefer to understand now, and I have seen how judging interferes with understanding.

    It’s quite fun watching people think, don’t you think?

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  6. It is tiring. Sometimes it feels like it would be so nice to just sink into the the cocoon of family and to hell with everything else. But I suppose nothing easy is worth much and we have love to share with the world. It sure needs it! Also, somehow you weren’t in my feed this last week. Looks like you weren’t in my follow list so I fixed that! Not sure what happened.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Yes Angela. Sometimes, it may look much easier to stop interacting with others! We want to protect ourselves! and yes, you are right about ‘But I suppose nothing easy is worth much and we have to love to share with the world. It sure needs it!’ Yes people need us and we need them! The dynamic of certain relationships, may require some tweaking at times, but shutting the world off is not a great solution. You know, one thing that keeps coming back to me after such things happen: compassion! I am stunned at my ill wisdom when I sink into a ‘black and white’ outlook at the world! It’s hardly ever black and white! And it’s amazing what one can accomplish with just a little dose of compassion versus hostility! I hope to remember this more often.

      Glad our feed conundrum is all fixed up! Yay. I am aware this platform carries some pretty weird bugs 🐜 haha 😉

      Like

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