No Answers

The line between joy and sadness, how could it be this blurry?! How dare it be this mocking?! It shouldn’t be!!! At least my logic does not seem to comprehend its translucence. My logic demands solid separation. It only makes sense to have absolutely solid separation!

How am I to insult my logic with the awful truth?! ‘Hey..logic! Yes I know you are there and don’t get me wrong! You’re wonderful! But! (My index is trying to help by extending in front of my face. I will thank it later), but…I need you to figure this one out and get back to me when you do pleaaaaaase…! I need you to tell me: why was I happy with my own circumstances, yet just now, my best friend’s worsening personal ones, is taking all my joy away?! Sucking it all out like a hungry vacuum, and replacing it with!?…Bear with me while I try to describe this the best way I can. My joy, is being replaced by…deep concern, and a sinking feeling of absolute helplessness’.

Lately, I’ve been experiencing pure amazing joy, and inspiration that has been so wonderfully clenching my thirst for ‘more’ in life. In my…life.

I’ve been trying to talk to her for the past couple of weeks. She’s been acting withdrawn. I have no idea what’s going on anymore!!

Let’s see if I can explain the situation.

My friend, is a beautiful in-fact gorgeous woman! But she has so much more than just her looks! She is one of the hardest working people I know! She went to school at the worst time of her life! Graduated and found a great job! Moved away and worked so hard, to be where she’s now.

Career-wise?! She’s doing amazing!

Relationship-wise?! Could not have been worse!

There’s a person she’s keeping in her life, who’s an addict. Who does not try getting help. That alone does not sound good! I know. But it’s even worse! He’s the father of her child who’s in fact a teenager now. She’s not even 40 yet! The man?! If I can call him that, cannot hold a job and instead!? Keeps dragging her down, and undermining her soaring career.

Logic, thank you. Thank you for not leaving the room. I would’ve.

Considering you are still here, let’s sit down.

Logic just had a gulp out of its whisky glass! I’m still feeling thankful it’s still sitting there listening to my rambling. I’d be feeling very alone right now if it didn’t.

Back to my best friend’s story.

I wrote her a letter the other day. I did not hold any punches. I laid out the ugly truth all naked in front of her eyes. May be that was a mistake! I’m not too certain anymore!

In my letter, I stated her teenage boy is watching. And whether she wants to see it or not, he’s learning from?…her. The way she’s allowing someone to drag her down, is setting a not very good example. I cautioned he (the son) will be repeating that pattern in his own future relationships. One way or another.

She did not respond.

I called again today. Left a message.

She called back.

Her voice was cold.

She said she refused to read my letter as she’s ‘letting life take her where it wants to take her! And she’s not fighting it anymore’

WHAT????

I wanted to yell: Please wake up! The storm is coming! What is wrong with you?!

Of course I couldn’t.

I just said: ok.

If you are still reading this. Thank you.

I am absolutely fine. She’s not. But, I can’t save people I love so dearly unless they want to save themselves.

Logic is suddenly smiling. Is it the whisky?! My eyes are studying its facial clues. I don’t think it is. I’m pleasantly happy to know.

Back to you my reader: This isn’t a disaster. Please you needn’t be alarmed. I refuse to get dragged down, even by the people that reside in my heart! Why? I can separate. Or can I?

My heart wants to weep! But I will not let it. My frustration will smother the weeping. I can see..how humans sometimes… love to play the martyr role! To be honest?! My logic will, set its whisky on the side table, clears its throat, look at its logical watch …pretends it has an appointment somewhere else …and would just leave….if I say I do understand it! I don’t!

I am going to have to give her space. My wild stubborn friend. She will come back. Something tells me she will. I need to trust. I cannot force it.

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Pic by Stas Svenchnikov/ Unsplash

Valentine’s

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Could someone explain to this woman ‘me’, this contradiction?! Keep reading

In reality, I am not one to celebrate V Day.

Yet, every year, I go nuts baking French macarons, for? …Valentine’s Day.

By going nuts, I mean, something like yesterday: 12 hours baking, printing labels, packaging, designing etc etc.

I seriously love it.

I threw an ad online, among my community where I live. And had to label ‘Sold Out’ in three hours. As the orders poured in. I was beyond excited.

Yes yes yes, I am ‘one of those’ who end up working for less than $20/hr when I do these spontaneous stunts. Please don’t label me as a fool! I recognize the importance of making a living. I fully understand, the angst_most artists I know feel_with regard to how Artisans (that includes you writers as well by the way), do not get paid their worth.

It pains me whenever I have these conversations with my artisan friends:

– THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!!! You need to sell these!

– /A sheepish sad smile emerges/ It took me 8 hours to knit this piece. But I can’t sell it. I’ll be charging a price no one is willing to pay. They can get something from China for a fraction of the price.

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My neighbour across the road, is the epiphany of creativity. Her work, blows me away.

She’s a petite woman, who works a chainsaw for hours. Doing what? Hear this: Slicing a humongous piece of a tree trunk, nearly half her size, after her creative eyes zeroed in on it somewhere.

She finds abandoned fallen trees, hauls them to her studio, picks up her chainsaw, and would spend hours, slicing and then plaining…and then sanding…and then doing all these things that only a true artist could do, to bring it back to its glory, and to breath life into it.

The end result? The most beautiful charcuterie board you have ever seen! Full of the stunning beauty of nature. Full of gorgeous wooden knots that took years to form. Full of what nature’s brilliant hand, created in texture, soothing raw natural hues, twists, curves and just stunning beauty that makes you gasp.

I will leave you with snippets of my last couple of days. Today will be the same. Full of freshly baked swooning French Macs, gorgeous creamy colour boxes (I LOVE good paper anything), delicate romantic vintage ribbons and all the delicate beauty in objects related.

I hope you enjoy as much as I am

Story From My Café Days

The pictures above, show notes people used to leave for random strangers who’d come to purchase a coffee or a latte etc after them! At my little café 6 years ago.

The story started, when one day, a regular customer, arrived without his family! He was wearing a dark suit. No smile.

The whole family, used to greet me every Friday, as they arrived for lunch and lattes! They used to always make me smile, as I’d watch their lit up faces and the joy felt in their chatters.

It was strange enough, that he was there by himself, let alone the serious face.

As he ordered a black coffee to go. I could not help, but notice the change in his ordering pattern, along his grim demeanour! I couldn’t recall him ever ordering a black coffee before! It’s usually two cappuccinos for him and his wife, and two lattes for his late teen daughters.

All those thoughts were running quickly through my head, as I handed him his coffee. No conversation took place.

As he was now handing payment to the employee behind the cash register, I addressed him by declaring it’s on the house, while giving him a little encouraging smile towards whatever he was internally dealing with! He looked surprised, but politely accepted, said thank you and departed.

Right after, we became busy again, and I quickly forgot the incident.

A couple days later, his wife was standing inline! Again, by herself! Now, could someone explain what is going on?! First him, and now her! Is she wearing a dark suit too?! No! No she’s actually wearing a whitish winter sweater over a pair of blue jeans! Ok at least that part is normal! Is she going to order a black coffee too?! No! She is actually ordering her usual cappuccino! Another sign of normalcy!

When it was her turn to pick up her drink, she leaned over and said ‘I’d like to thank you for your kind gesture towards my husband the other day. He was on his way to a friend’s funeral! And your kind gesture struck him as how could you have known?! But at the same time it was what he needed!’

Then she asked to do the same for the person coming after her.

And that’s how it all began.

People started asking to purchase a coffee for someone coming later. And they’d leave a few encouraging words.

That was 6 years ago.

In my next post, I will try to explain the pressure I am feeling, from very close people, to reopen that café again, and recreate that caring culture.

it’s not a bad pressure. It’s a good pressure! But then I’m still terrified to jump into the chaos again.

Do I need to say it’s a ‘good’ chaos?! No. I think you get the idea.

The Dog & The Bird

The phone is ringing!! Oh no! Oh no no no ..NO! It’s my mother! This will be the fifth time screening her calls.

I caved in. I answered.

– You keep saying you are ‘delivering coffee’! what happened to your design career!? (My mom has stubbornly refused to neither understand nor accept the concept of me roasting coffee for a living, for the past 7 years).

– I like it mom! It’s what I do! I have Charlotte and Andrew with me in the car! What could be better? _I’m evil! playing with my mom knowing she will never guess who that was, and it WORKED_

– You take your friends with you to deliver your coffee?

– Nope! Char is my dog! Andrew is Andrew Bird

– You take your dog AND your bird with you in the car?

_trying incredibly hard not burst laughing as she will never forgive me_Yes mom I take The Dog AND The Bird….

The dog rolled her eyes at me! Andrew Bird stopped singing, opened the passenger door and jumped out! The dog followed suit…And I…was left alone in the car, with my mother and 50 lb of coffee to deliver…alone.

It’s All About The Mind

Talking to someone who understands you, actually understands you! Can feel incredibly surreal! At least, it’s how it feels to me!

If you knew me, you’d know, the instant my phone rings, I will do anything and everything in my power, to ignore it! I will glance at my phone in terror! As if some ‘person’ _I intentionally say person versus ghost as humans scare me way more than ghosts_ is going to jump out of the screen, sit me in a chair, tie me up…and start talking, while I can’t escape!

Talking on the phone represents, the dreaded sudden disappearance of my freedom and liberty. And I immediately turn into a hopeless hostage, dreaming of running away and finding my land of freedom one day!

So, with all that being said, why is it, when once in a lifetime or so it seems, we get the chance to talk to a kindred spirit, we suddenly find ourselves, not wanting the conversation(s) to end?!

This has been happening with my estranged sister! Her mind, is sparkling with such deep understanding and awareness, of so many subjects! She also seems to understand things about me that I’m not even aware they exist!

We don’t discuss childhood memories, or spend hours reminiscing about our shared past while growing up! We in fact, discuss social issues, societal change, male versus female subject matters and even global movements that seem to be taking the world by a storm!

And by the end of nearly every conversation, I am left in aw, of her beautiful mind!

Do you have one like that in your life?

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The typographical design piece in the picture, is one of my favourite editorial design pieces that I had the chance to work on years ago.

Scaring Tourists

Victoria. May 2018

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My friend and I met at the airport after synchronizing our flights from different Canadian cities.

On our third day in Victoria, my friend decided she needed to visit a haunted castle known as a historical landmark.

It was her first time in the city, so it was only expected she desired to visit many different spots on her list.

I had made it clear to her_we are best friends_ that ‘sightseeing’ with humans has proven to be hazardous to…my immune system! No. The truth is, It bores me to death. And I went to an extra length explaining in full honesty ‘you are my best friend, and if I cannot be myself with you, then…etc etc’.

She acted fantastically open and accepting towards one of my many silly eccentricities. And declared it was all ‘cool’!

Then, I looked at her….getting into the little red car we rented, all alone. I was watching from our balcony on the second floor, and suddenly…as I see her arm inside the car, stretching out in slow motion…in what looked like, a complete heart wrenching and ever so very very sad slow mechanism…and just as she was about to swing the door closed to what would have been the start of an unbearably lonely drive…all the way, to a ghostly haunted castle in Vic, BC!…I….suddenly whistled!

She stuck her head out of the car and looked up ‘what?!’

‘Wait! I’m coming down’.

And off we went, all the way to the big haunted castle.

As we are exiting the car in the visitors’ parking lot, we couldn’t help but turn our heads to the car that just parked beside us! A woman ‘the driver’, had one foot outside the car, while looking at the castle in front of us, then suddenly yells at her husband still sitting in the passenger seat ‘honey! You like castles right??!’. The car had a New Jersey license plate. My friend and I looked at each other and wanted to laugh sooo badly. It seemed juuuust ‘a little late’ to find out if ‘Honey’ liked castles! Considering the long trip all the way from Jersey. But then that was us imagining the poor husband getting dragged all the way from Jersey to Victoria, BC, Canada to visit… a haunted Castle!!

It was my very first time visiting that castle too. Although I’ve been to Victoria many times before! Like I said, I’m not particularly fond of sightseeing when traveling! And I have long resigned, even the way I travel, is atypical to say the least!

While there now, at the haunted castle, I looked at my watch, and realized an hour had passed and I am already on the last floor! My friend, was still on the second! Reading every note on every wall etc etc…I think. In fact I’m sure!

So what did I do?! How do I fill in the time?!

I decided to play with an excited brand new flock of tourists.

I’d watch where there are heading. Then I’d go into the room they are going to visit right after. Sit still in a chair!!! Not moving. Just looking ahead! Then I’d turn my head sideway slowly, as they enter and watch as they’d just…freeze in terror!

Needless to say, I had a lot of fun.

But, there was one story, which happened later that very same night, that I still think about! I like to believe, a funny ghost there, at that haunted castle, was watching me acting cheeky! Then???!! I’ll tell you what happened when you visit me next time…

BOO