Have you ever listened to ‘Heart’ really loud?!
I’m talking about ‘Heart’ the band!
Myyyyy Goodness that voice!!!! And the sister on the guitar?! Holy moly!!!!
Heart. Her voice is rebellious and yet when low…is as tender as it can be!!! The range! Is…out of this world! High…really high…then low and soft to a point you feel it reaching into your own heart, and flooding it with rhythm! Your ears are suddenly taking the backstage, your heart! Is doing all the listening! No wonder the name ‘Heart’ is very fitting!
I was thinking this morning, about honesty as a practice to avoid catching myself feeling..hypocritical at times!
I think a lot about life, and how important it is to recognize the brevity of it; as well as how we need to smile and laugh no matter what! Not wasting the littlest opportunity to have fun, laugh at life if we must, with it, anything, anything that lessens life’s unbearable potency in our heads!
However, looking at pictures from our last getaway, to escape the cold reality of our frigid temperature lately, even if only through…past warmer memories! My eyes, followed a trail of smiling sun filled vacation photos! Then, suddenly stopped on a long faced one! Hmmm!
In the picture, little freckles are all over my skin after spending close to three weeks under the FL sun! My long hair chopped short. It has grown since but I do miss it prior to being chopped. As I stared at the picture, I started feeling a little… sad!
Thoughts about vanity wanted to creep in. So I got up, played Heart really loud, felt a surge of confidence about the signs of time on my face and…I smiled!
I love where I am now! I may have aged but so what?! I run for an hour nearly everyday! I am working on exciting projects! I am making wise decisions about where I’m going with my business! I am more mature after wasting years on things that did not really make me happy! I know what I like and what I want! I’m more focused than I’ve ever been! More forgiving! More in the moment!
However, do I have self doubts?! Absolutely! Do I run the opposite direction laughing sometimes when I accidentally glance at my reflection in the hallway mirror?! Yup! I do! I laugh at how sometimes I scare my own self! People think I’m just being humorous when I say that, but it’s TRUE! And although it may sound comical, the reality is, I can be incredibly hard on myself when I think about my outer shell at times! I have moments of ‘oh my Gosh what’s happening to my face?! RUN! Why is my spouse staying with me?! Is that why he doesn’t take me on a date?! I cannot say I can blame him! I’m hideous! Even my nose is getting wider!!! Is my nose getting wider! I think it IS getting wider! Why is it getting wider?! Oh my gosh WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!!’
Yes I do have those thoughts! It’s about time I’m honest and open about them! And I need to realize the fact, my spouse isn’t the romantic type! And neither am I so how can I blame him?! Life is about taking responsibility. And as easy as it is to blame others, one real deep look at things, can tell us we are creating our own realities most of the time.
When people or friends tell me I’m attractive, I usually never believe them! I think instead, they are merely being..nice! And to be fully honest???! I still think that way and that may never change.
There are two people in this world, who when said to me ‘You are beautiful’, I actually full heartedly believed them and did in fact, feel…beautiful! One was my father. The other, was an old boyfriend, who was much older than I and always reminded me of my father when he used to say that! Maybe that’s why I believed him!
As an artist_I am finally comfortable calling myself that_ I am a forever beauty chaser in every form, shape, texture etc etc! And I do see beauty in faces others say I’m crazy to describe as such! Beautiful! My standards of what’s beautiful when it comes to others, are incredibly liberal! And I like them that way! But when it comes to me! I sometimes catch myself only focusing on the flaws!
This is wrong. I’m on a mission to change my thinking. I love confidence and strength! Then how does it make sense that I can be this insecure?! I need to see, that my hair is growing quickly and soon I’ll have it..past my shoulders again (laughing)! By soon I mean: It’s going to take another year! Hence laughing! I just need to keep the scissors away from my reach! So I don’t get into a mood and decide ‘My vanity is killing me and these scissors will end it all, and will set me back on the path of wisdom and sensibility’.
I need to start appreciating my hair and not abuse it and call it ‘homely’. At least I can start being kinder to my hair, and hopefully next will be some love towards my nose and my skin! You can laugh! Go ahead. It’s ok! This is very silly. I know. I am working on it. What’s the deal with my nose?! I have no idea! I wish I can tell you!
My hair at this time last year? Was long and beautiful! I had no idea then, that my hair was in fact beautiful! I completely took it for granted! Then after I took the scissors to it one night, it took me only two days of acting delusional! Thinking I’m all light and fresh and boyish! And then?! I woke on the third day! My hair looking like it was hacked by my accomplice in crime in a thriller movie! They chopped it to conceal my identity as we skipped town never to return! And I then realized: well that was stupid! I learnt a lesson from it. ‘My hair?! Is important to my sense of confidence, and yes facing the reality of my vanity is hard! But if this is where my vanity stops?! I’m comfortable with that and accept it! I will no longer question it.’
I remember playing the Heart album in the car, this past October! The day before the one we were supposed to return to the cold! I did the same thing earlier today!
Just like today, I remember I had a long face! As I wanted to stay! I did not want to come back! I’m a sun worshiper! I grew up on the beach! It’s in my blood. It’s in my…heart.
Then? As I turned the volume up, and as we drove to the beach one last time! The long face softened, and I could feel its muscles starting to relax… and the music yet again…became my rescuer! My smile returned and stayed until we drove back the end of the day all exhausted and sun struck!
Do you have insecurities?! How do you work on them?!