No Answers

The line between joy and sadness, how could it be this blurry?! How dare it be this mocking?! It shouldn’t be!!! At least my logic does not seem to comprehend its translucence. My logic demands solid separation. It only makes sense to have absolutely solid separation!

How am I to insult my logic with the awful truth?! ‘Hey..logic! Yes I know you are there and don’t get me wrong! You’re wonderful! But! (My index is trying to help by extending in front of my face. I will thank it later), but…I need you to figure this one out and get back to me when you do pleaaaaaase…! I need you to tell me: why was I happy with my own circumstances, yet just now, my best friend’s worsening personal ones, is taking all my joy away?! Sucking it all out like a hungry vacuum, and replacing it with!?…Bear with me while I try to describe this the best way I can. My joy, is being replaced by…deep concern, and a sinking feeling of absolute helplessness’.

Lately, I’ve been experiencing pure amazing joy, and inspiration that has been so wonderfully clenching my thirst for ‘more’ in life. In my…life.

I’ve been trying to talk to her for the past couple of weeks. She’s been acting withdrawn. I have no idea what’s going on anymore!!

Let’s see if I can explain the situation.

My friend, is a beautiful in-fact gorgeous woman! But she has so much more than just her looks! She is one of the hardest working people I know! She went to school at the worst time of her life! Graduated and found a great job! Moved away and worked so hard, to be where she’s now.

Career-wise?! She’s doing amazing!

Relationship-wise?! Could not have been worse!

There’s a person she’s keeping in her life, who’s an addict. Who does not try getting help. That alone does not sound good! I know. But it’s even worse! He’s the father of her child who’s in fact a teenager now. She’s not even 40 yet! The man?! If I can call him that, cannot hold a job and instead!? Keeps dragging her down, and undermining her soaring career.

Logic, thank you. Thank you for not leaving the room. I would’ve.

Considering you are still here, let’s sit down.

Logic just had a gulp out of its whisky glass! I’m still feeling thankful it’s still sitting there listening to my rambling. I’d be feeling very alone right now if it didn’t.

Back to my best friend’s story.

I wrote her a letter the other day. I did not hold any punches. I laid out the ugly truth all naked in front of her eyes. May be that was a mistake! I’m not too certain anymore!

In my letter, I stated her teenage boy is watching. And whether she wants to see it or not, he’s learning from?…her. The way she’s allowing someone to drag her down, is setting a not very good example. I cautioned he (the son) will be repeating that pattern in his own future relationships. One way or another.

She did not respond.

I called again today. Left a message.

She called back.

Her voice was cold.

She said she refused to read my letter as she’s ‘letting life take her where it wants to take her! And she’s not fighting it anymore’

WHAT????

I wanted to yell: Please wake up! The storm is coming! What is wrong with you?!

Of course I couldn’t.

I just said: ok.

If you are still reading this. Thank you.

I am absolutely fine. She’s not. But, I can’t save people I love so dearly unless they want to save themselves.

Logic is suddenly smiling. Is it the whisky?! My eyes are studying its facial clues. I don’t think it is. I’m pleasantly happy to know.

Back to you my reader: This isn’t a disaster. Please you needn’t be alarmed. I refuse to get dragged down, even by the people that reside in my heart! Why? I can separate. Or can I?

My heart wants to weep! But I will not let it. My frustration will smother the weeping. I can see..how humans sometimes… love to play the martyr role! To be honest?! My logic will, set its whisky on the side table, clears its throat, look at its logical watch …pretends it has an appointment somewhere else …and would just leave….if I say I do understand it! I don’t!

I am going to have to give her space. My wild stubborn friend. She will come back. Something tells me she will. I need to trust. I cannot force it.

____________

Pic by Stas Svenchnikov/ Unsplash

Author: Kat

I used to work as a graphic designer, until one day I was tragically and blissfully hit by two colliding meteors! One caused my falling in love with the world of coffee! And the other resulted in me falling out of love with the not so wonderful and nearly suffocating office culture! I left the glamour of the design world, and opened up my little café! Those were the best years of my life! I say ‘were’, because (wait! May be another time! But please do ask me if you ‘must’ know and can’t sleep tonight unless I tell you!) For the past three years, I have been living in a pyramid shape house in a middle of a green forest in the summer; a green forest buried underneath lots - I mean LOTS - of snow in the winter. I used to ‘think I still do ;)’ love the city! With its buzzing energy! I love to travel and seeing different food and coffee scenes...preferably alone! visiting ‘quirky and unusual’ places! I do not love visiting museums, hugely commercialized areas, malls and landmarks! I love old and full of heritage ‘anything’! I also love, to sit in a busy coffeeshop ‘reading quietly’ and not talking! Talking exhausts me most of the time! Watching the world unfold.. and thinking ...never does!

33 thoughts on “No Answers”

    1. She will ‘not’ see the light. That is my sinking feeling. It happened bazillion of times before! This may be the worst! But still! She needs help. I can’t force it. I can’t even say she does.

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      1. What really breaks my heart, is a memory of her talking to me around midnight one night (she had to start work at 4:30 am that morning). She stayed with me until she basically managed to distract me from my pain that night. I didn’t ask her to. She just did. I just wish I could do the same but I’m not as good.

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    1. I do have her best interest at heart.
      I don’t like complicating things. I wish I can just leave it be. Logic says to do that exactly like you described Gina. At the same time, it’s as if I’m watching my emotions run and escape no matter how hard I try to put the logical lid on them and close it shut. That part is a bit unsettling to me! Emotions that don’t seem to serve a result, scare me. I recognize getting sad is not helping her. But, I feel like she wants me to be. Ok now it’s becoming clearer to me…

      Just now I realized this: I need to re-read parts of this book I read before ‘The Hidden Guilt’. I honestly thought I was aware enough of the issue of guilt. But I think, I need to examine it more.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. my best friend is my conscience, she is a lot like you, she advises me because she does not want to see me hurt, i get annoyed and ignore her warnings but deep down i know she is the one who truly loves me for me. when my heart softens i see the truth she exposes.

        i don’t think you should feel any guilt, truth is a bitter pill for us to swallow especially if we are older and are are successful in our careers.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m so glad you have an amazing friend too Gina! She sounds wonderful!

        You are right about the truth being a bitter pill to swallow. Funny, my sister (I talked to her abt it today), said the same thing! She also said ‘let’s face it! No one wants to tell us what do’. I have been thinking about that! And I can see how I may not like it if someone is telling a truth I’d rather not see and then on top of that, is saying ‘leave. Get out’.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That’s exactly what it is ‘making excuses’.

        It’s all incredibly psychological. The games we play. All the excuses and all the resisting! It blows my mind how complicated us humans are!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. it is exhausting Kat. I have had to acknowledge this with certain people because of this, I am so tired of mind games. It was not healthy for me no matter how much i cared for those persons, and I see the same thing with your friend, in time she will understand this, but it has to be in her time. stand by her and offer support, that is the best you can do and are doing.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I know. You’re right Gina about everything you said. It’s just hard to walk away from ppl we truly truly love. May be that is exactly what she is doing and I’m judging her.

        Anyway, thank you for this discussion Gina! Really: thank you. I truly enjoyed it and it’s very helpful.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. You are loyal. Simple as that. You hold certain people deep inside your heart.So do I. Unfortunately people like us have to make tough decisions. Do we hang on or do we let go.

    Sometimes we have to let go and it’s not because we don’t love them anymore,it’s because we love our lives more. You may be at that point where you have to make a decision. You’re smart. You know what to do.

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  2. She is the most loyal friend too Bryan. And you know…speaking of people like you and I, who hold certain people deep inside our hearts, I have to be honest, generally I personally struggle to actually ‘like’ people enough, let alone live them. I find it hard to trust until that one component ‘loyalty’ is there! This is not easy for me to talk about. I can even believe I’m actually discussing it here! But to be honest, it’s easier to talk about these things with you guys, than to discuss with all the friends and people I know. My mask hardly comes down.

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      1. Ooooh the hardest thing to some is just that…sugar coating. I hardly can and most of the time I don’t necessarily mind. There’s a difference between being loud, our acting insensitively, and being honest but stern.

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  3. Yeah….tough…. that friendship/love thing. Would a friend let another friend continue talking with lettuce on their teeth? Nope….a quick gesture should take care of it. If it doesn’t, you don’t give up, you just keep trying until they get it (off).
    As long as she knows how much you value your friendship, that’s all you can do.
    The addict thing makes it so much more tough.

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    1. I love what you said Mark! And I get it 🙂

      The addict part is the tough part indeed! If he only accepts treatment, I’d say there’s hope. But I don’t think he wants to. The other tough part, and possibly as tough, is the deep sense of ‘obligation’ in her case. I give up trying to understand it Mark. I cannot. I will not give up on our friendship. I will wait for her. That is all I can do.

      Thank you so much for your opinion. Much appreciated.

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  4. The impulse to save someone we love is powerful. Often we don’t understand the story behind his or her decisions. And there is a story behind it. If we understood — if our friend understood — it would help! If WE understand, then at least we can accommodate how and where we can.

    Often we don’t understand. What seems logical to us — in this case, leave the addict who is killing you — is also logical to the one who is staying. There is a logic to it. What is the logic behind her decision?

    There are reasons to it — we just don’t know those reasons. And our friend may not, either. And without knowing the reasons, nothing really can change. We keep repeating the same behavior because it protects us from something.

    Brenda Knowles had a good post today. She noted some questions to ask where you come to loggerheads with someone.

    ‘What are you afraid of?’ is one of them. What are you afraid of? And see where that question takes us. Because questions are the keys that unlock understanding. Sometimes we can’t ask the questions of ourselves. We don’t know what to ask. A friend can do that for us.

    What is she afraid of? Maybe she knows, but can’t say it until someone asks her. Maybe she doesn’t know consciously, but might if she is asked the question by someone who listens, without judgment, without any advice.

    Love is a funny thing, Kat. We think we have to do something for someone we love. Usually we can’t. But we can listen. I have long believed that asking questions, and then shushing up! (or, more directly, shutting up!) is the greatest gift, the greatest way, we can love someone.

    As you said, one night she stayed up with you, listening to you, talked you away from the edge. Perhaps just asking a few questions, and listening … perhaps that will help her more than anything you could ‘do.’

    She’s smart. She’s kind. She has a beautiful heart. She sounds extraordinary. She is, it sounds like, exceptionally smart. Like you. She doesn’t need you, most likely, to advise her. She just needs help figuring out the answers for herself. She may not know the questions to ask.

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    1. Brenda is excellent Michael.

      I’m afraid I already ‘know’ what my friend is afraid of! I know my friend really well, and she I. At the same time, there are deep complexes and psychological issues, that only a ‘good’ trained therapist can undo, for the healing to start, and the pattern to break. It’s a pattern. She keeps repeating it.

      I can see the issues. But she needs help from a professional.

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  5. I’m sorry you’re going through this, Kat. It’s so tough to see someone you love in pain and struggling. You’re right, though, and you can’t do anyone’s hard work for them. All you can do is be there with support if and when they need it. You’re a good friend. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wonderful words Angela! Thank you! You do understand it well! Thankfully she has been talking to me lately and I am seeing light in the end of the tunnel for her!
      Why is it sometimes, that women who are smarter than usual, can find success in their career, but seem to stumble over and over with…relationships?! I have no idea…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s wonderful! Funny, I just had this conversation with another friend! I think that people who are truly gifted in one area often times have trouble with balance. It’s easy for that part to take up all the energy and focus, leaving other areas deficient, maybe.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. What a lovely coincidence Angela! 😊

    That is a valid point! For sure!
    I also find, women /that I know/ seem to ‘need’ to be in a relationship! I mean they honestly would be doing great, broke up with the bf, partner, husband etc, and now they are happier than ever! Then?! Before I know it, they are back together! I don’t get it 😦

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