“I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.”
It’s not …a disaster…
Every now and then, I find myself coming back to this poem. I don’t particularly read a whole lot of poetry! And I am not one to recite ‘anything’! Yet this poem, in its potent sense of reality, never leaves me! I think, it illustrates how I think, a lot of time.
As I sit here, in this room which works as my art studio/writing/reflecting zone/staring at the trees and the snow…space, I am thinking of why my writing needed to stop lately!
I love to write! But then, the issue of ‘responsibility’ hit me!
See, I entered this wordosphere, a few months ago, intending to decorate it to my taste, hang pictures and art that I like, move furniture around when I feel like it, turn the space upside down with heavy emotions that need out, clean it all up and write uplifting ‘stuff’ about hope and laughter, write nonsense stories, imaginary ones, real ones…get sad and cry and fill it with tears, laugh at myself in the end and clean up the tears and water my dying basil plant with them, so they don’t go to a waste (I’m quite practical), run around, sit around, jump around, talk to ghosts, invite imaginary people over for coffee…and so many other things that I wanted to fill this place with, like I said!
But then, I soon realized, the responsibility to write.
When others are reading, I cannot be completely free.
If I am in a mood. If I am questioning the logic of sensitive issues we all deal with. If I have an opinion that might easily change, right the next day. How does it make any sense, to give myself, the right, to barge into ‘your’ day and flood it with ‘temporary’ feelings and opinions?!
So it’s not a surprise, that I started thinking of the impact on whoever is_or is it whomever_going to read what I write, before I’m able to hit the publish button.
My mission in this life, is to bring light.
I know my path.
I realize what I am here for.
Finding the balance between my overly realistic, semi clinical at times, then passionate and overly dreamy about certain issues at others…thoughts and opinions, and all that could fit in between (trust me there’s lots), is one of the challenges I’m facing when I sit down to write.
Another issue, that poked its head at me, was the issue of ‘why’ am I writing?!
I am a goal oriented person. I find it hard to sketch for example, unless I have a goal that one day, I will become really good at my art, and feel confident enough, to share it with the outside world…somewhere, somehow.
I went on a French Macaron baking frenzy last year, and baked and baked, for nearly five months, maybe more. I did nothing, but bake, sad, deformed, lopsided French Macarons, then tossing them, then starting all over again!
How does that make sense?! When actually ‘good’ bakers, would raise their brows, way high up at me, I’d nearly want to jump and snatch those poor brows..as they’re now flying higher and higher, and stick them back on top of those bakers’ disapproving, widely open..eyes, when they’d hear me say I am a self taught French Macaron baker!
I was told by many, ‘Baking French Macrons, is a baker’s worst nightmare’! They’re incredibly hard to master. Yet mastering I did! And I am known to fail at baking a good moist banana bread! Why?! I’ll tell you why: There’s no challenge there. I apologize to those who love baking banana bread and are frowning at me! Hands down to you! I can’t do it! Let’s have a banana bread/French Mac fight! Trust me, you WILL win. My macs will crumble into tiny teeny little smithereens while your solid banana bread will proudly raise its victory flag! With its solid banana bread foot, over the throat of my fragile French Mac, who will be begging for mercy! So please do laugh at my unjustified arrogance.
Pssst.. I do love a good banana bread. With coffee?! Heaven
My goal, was to concur something not only incredibly hard to bake, but soooo beautiful, elegant, vibrant, colourful and ever so versatile in possibilities of colour and flavour!
I remember at one point being asked ‘what’s next?! What else are you going to bake?!’
My answer was: ‘nothing’.
I only wanted to bake French Macarons.
I was extremely focused, and still am in that regard.
Then why?! Why does my focus, fly away, tantalizing me…when it comes to writing and art?!
I am yet to find out…
Good day to you. Don’t fret over my challenges! It’s not...a disaster! 🙂