Four years ago, that was me at this time of year. A small business owner. A cozy little corner in a building in the city, that hosted me everyday, for five years. This was where I spent hours and hours, behind the espresso bar. This was where, I used to come after hours, to roast some more coffee, feel the unusual quietness to the place, when it used to be just me, my Diedrich humming, and ‘Florence & The Machine’…
Lots of memories of a happier self.
In those days, I didn’t need hi-lights to hide any grey hair! And I needed way less…sleep to bounce back the following morning!
I can say, I’m still happy. I can say, I can still laugh a lot, even more these days! But my happiness, took on a different flavour.
I don’t believe in feeling sorry for myself! I know it helps nothing. So I try to create a new life, in this secluded snowy forest, away from the city. But…I do…miss the city!
I miss my old shop. I miss my customers! I miss the lineups. I miss how we did it ‘right’. I miss playing my favourite albums while working. I miss…creating smiles.
Nothing comes close to that flavour of happiness!
Today, I have so much to do, again. It’s a couple days before Christmas, and there’s a long list of things that need done!
I just…want to sit here…feeling the calm before the storm..enjoying the quietness of my house…the only sound is the dog yawning.
I want to make more coffee, think some more about life, forget about my bad diet lately, ignoring my running routine, my alcohol consumption yesterday, when I realized I had 2 Heineken and 2 glasses full of (awfully sweet and yuckie, eggnog and rum), followed by posting a silly picture of my happy legs in high heels that I hardly wear! Then later took down when I realized its inappropriateness, after I was done working and consuming that awful sweet creamy concoction! What was I thinking?!
The alcohol indulgence yesterday, was stretched over 5 hours, and it did help calm down my loneliness while working! So, I’m not going to practice any unnecessary self loathing. After all..it is Christmas.
Why is it so easy to blame ourselves?! I think…as I pour myself another cup of amazing delicious coffee that has zero gram of guilt added!
Why are we able to support others, be there for them, pour our energy into feeling their pain and then try lifting them up, but then…pick up a whip, and slash ourselves, for the slightest transgression?!
Empty words of ‘self love’ are everywhere…and they are just that…empty.
Let’s make our own ‘self love’ speeches and quotes.
Let’s try, even for just today, to say ‘no’, when we catch ourselves, hating our bodies, our waistlines, our hair (or lack of it ;), skin, noses, height, weird whatever, and all the labels we attach to ourselves and our self worth! Would we rather be beautiful people with perfect everything, but hollow inside, lacking wit and intelligence, greedy and narcissistic, and with nothing…to give to anyone?! I’d personally rather not! I’ll take a kind, smart, intelligent, confident in their abilities unattractive person, over a stunningly attractive but shallow and witless one, any day!
I need to more coffee..or I’ll have to start working.