Can I Just Drink Coffee

Four years ago, that was me at this time of year. A small business owner. A cozy little corner in a building in the city, that hosted me everyday, for five years. This was where I spent hours and hours, behind the espresso bar. This was where, I used to come after hours, to roast some more coffee, feel the unusual quietness to the place, when it used to be just me, my Diedrich humming, and ‘Florence & The Machine’…

Lots of memories of a happier self.

In those days, I didn’t need hi-lights to hide any grey hair! And I needed way less…sleep to bounce back the following morning!

I can say, I’m still happy. I can say, I can still laugh a lot, even more these days! But my happiness, took on a different flavour.

I don’t believe in feeling sorry for myself! I know it helps nothing. So I try to create a new life, in this secluded snowy forest, away from the city. But…I do…miss the city!

I miss my old shop. I miss my customers! I miss the lineups. I miss how we did it ‘right’. I miss playing my favourite albums while working. I miss…creating smiles.

Nothing comes close to that flavour of happiness!

Today, I have so much to do, again. It’s a couple days before Christmas, and there’s a long list of things that need done!

I just…want to sit here…feeling the calm before the storm..enjoying the quietness of my house…the only sound is the dog yawning.

I want to make more coffee, think some more about life, forget about my bad diet lately, ignoring my running routine, my alcohol consumption yesterday, when I realized I had 2 Heineken and 2 glasses full of (awfully sweet and yuckie, eggnog and rum), followed by posting a silly picture of my happy legs in high heels that I hardly wear! Then later took down when I realized its inappropriateness, after I was done working and consuming that awful sweet creamy concoction! What was I thinking?!

The alcohol indulgence yesterday, was stretched over 5 hours, and it did help calm down my loneliness while working! So, I’m not going to practice any unnecessary self loathing. After all..it is Christmas.

Why is it so easy to blame ourselves?! I think…as I pour myself another cup of amazing delicious coffee that has zero gram of guilt added!

Why are we able to support others, be there for them, pour our energy into feeling their pain and then try lifting them up, but then…pick up a whip, and slash ourselves, for the slightest transgression?!

Empty words of ‘self love’ are everywhere…and they are just that…empty.

Let’s make our own ‘self love’ speeches and quotes.

Let’s try, even for just today, to say ‘no’, when we catch ourselves, hating our bodies, our waistlines, our hair (or lack of it ;), skin, noses, height, weird whatever, and all the labels we attach to ourselves and our self worth! Would we rather be beautiful people with perfect everything, but hollow inside, lacking wit and intelligence, greedy and narcissistic, and with nothing…to give to anyone?! I’d personally rather not! I’ll take a kind, smart, intelligent, confident in their abilities unattractive person, over a stunningly attractive but shallow and witless one, any day!

I need to more coffee..or I’ll have to start working.

Author: Kat

I used to work as a graphic designer, until one day I was tragically and blissfully hit by two colliding meteors! One caused my falling in love with the world of coffee! And the other resulted in me falling out of love with the not so wonderful and nearly suffocating office culture! I left the glamour of the design world, and opened up my little café! Those were the best years of my life! I say ‘were’, because (wait! May be another time! But please do ask me if you ‘must’ know and can’t sleep tonight unless I tell you!) For the past three years, I have been living in a pyramid shape house in a middle of a green forest in the summer; a green forest buried underneath lots - I mean LOTS - of snow in the winter. I used to ‘think I still do ;)’ love the city! With its buzzing energy! I love to travel and seeing different food and coffee scenes...preferably alone! visiting ‘quirky and unusual’ places! I do not love visiting museums, hugely commercialized areas, malls and landmarks! I love old and full of heritage ‘anything’! I also love, to sit in a busy coffeeshop ‘reading quietly’ and not talking! Talking exhausts me most of the time! Watching the world unfold.. and thinking ...never does!

28 thoughts on “Can I Just Drink Coffee”

    1. Coyotes are funny! They usually send one to scout out the sight! Then that one coyote would lure a dog to follow it! Dog of course, will chase. Then an ambush happens when solo coyote brings dog to rest of crew! I gather your woods seem to have them too! I think they’re pretty cool! Sneaky, but cool!

      Like

  1. I don’t need to tell you you I feel about this post, Kat…..you totally inspire me! I do need to apologize for flitting in and out lately. I am scattered and a but buried, but not gone. I love reading your posts, soaking up your unique voice and perspective. You are remarkable, Kat!!!!! Now, I need to go and get another cup of coffee!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Susan.
      No need for apology at all!!! My love is always here…waiting for you no matter how much time passes until you visit!

      Thank you for your encouraging words.

      Coffee is good and waaaay less trouble 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “I miss my old shop. I miss my customers! I miss the lineups. I miss how we did it ‘right’. I miss playing my favourite albums while working. I miss…creating smiles.

    Nothing comes close to that flavour of happiness!”

    And that is a special flavor of happiness, Kat. Intense introverts — most are intense; mind always going; eager for the next thing — also thrive on being busy, occupied, and we thrive (at least I do) in certain environments where it’s busy, there’s a hum to the place, where (if we’re lucky) there’s wonderful music playing, and we’re absorbed completely in what we’re doing — and there’s a great joy in doing it right and creating smiles in other people. I’m not sure there’s anything more gratifying than seeing customers light up when they see us. We thrive on pleasing others, on creating a world that brings joy and smiles and warmth and love to people. Then, in a very real way, we are home.

    And when we can’t do that, then … it’s good to be alone. Where it’s quiet. Conflict-free. Soothing or uplifting music playing. We can play with our thoughts and ideas. We can laugh out loud when we’re alone, and no worries if anybody gets us; no one needs to.

    I could feel the ache of your missing all those things, Kat. I understand. We miss things that bring us intense joy. I wouldn’t be surprised if you find your way back to it, to creating that world again, for your sake mostly, because of the joy it brings you, to bring such joy to others.

    Wonderfully, honestly, achingly written.

    Merry Christmas, my friend Kat. I hope it is beautiful for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so glad you have reappeared Michael! I know it’s such a crazy time for everyone right now!

      You understand these thoughts and emotions perfectly! And yes yes yes to
      “we thrive (at least I do) in certain environments where it’s busy, there’s a hum to the place, where (if we’re lucky) there’s wonderful music playing, and we’re absorbed completely in what we’re doing —“ Absolutely!

      I have nooo idea Michael what’s going to happen! There’s nothing I’d love more than re-opening again! But I’ve been living like a ‘domesticated’ wild Kat for four years now ;)…and the idea of getting thrown back into ‘the wilderness’ might prove to be harder than one had thought! I recognize in reality I’m living in the wilderness now, but I like to view it the opposite away around symbolically!

      Merry Christmas to you as well and your family Michael! I hope it’s beautiful for you too! And stay away from little fights with the niece 🙂 (I’m watching you)

      Like

    1. Love how ‘the world’ could read this and think it’s ‘silly’.

      Letter to the world:
      Yes. It may be silly. But, it’s positive and happy. So ‘world’, I ask you kindly, politely as us Canadians are known to be and guess what ‘IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE! WR ARE POLITE!’, so yah, I ask you politely, to accept our ‘silly’ friendly exchange :)! And hey ‘world’, I believe in your kindness too! Please smile…life is way too short not to! I’ve been personally completely miserable since that favourite Christmas guest of mine, departed to …Toronto! And believe me, I miss Toronto myself! It will forever be home, but that’s a different subject altogether!
      I’ve been sappy and hiding it since…Dec 30. And today, I’m smiling again. I’ll take it. So please be kind 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The adage ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all’ is so wise. And my thinking is, if I don’t anything nice to say, FIND something! To you, Kat … I’m glad you are feeling better. You have a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind, a beautiful spirit. Those of us who read your words, know this. And we are grateful for you. Let your heart heal, let laughter ring, and let the coffee flow in abundance!! lol ….. Happy New Year, my friend! Let’s call everything beautiful, and see how it all turns out!

        I read a post on Pinterest a year or two ago. It said basically, Whatever is going on, whatever good things, whatever difficulties, say ‘thank you.’ There are a lot of hard things — and I look to the sky, and say ‘Thank you!’ There is so much beauty all around us, and I see it and say ‘Thank you!’ It does bring a smile to my face every time, especially when the things are tough! It’s like, oh screw it, thank you! I’ve made it this far, I’m still making it, and I’ll do my best to keep on keeping on!

        Onward, Beautiful Kat! Onward with gratitude, laughter, and love in our hearts for all of it!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ok, Michael! I couldn’t finish reading your post! I only read half, and the tears wouldn’t stop falling!
        Don’t you ‘ever’ dare disappearing again. I worry about you! I’ve known you for years now. Longer than I’ve know anyone, here. And when you go, I simply worry.

        Like

      3. I’m going through ‘things’ there’s no doubt about that. And I freakin laugh at all the ‘drama’ swirling in my heart and mind! I laugh…because I’m utterly embarrassed. Embarrassed for not holding it in. Like I usually do.

        My spouse, everyday, comes through the door, all hidden. I smile. We have dinner. He urges me to run again. But, we continue spending our quiet evenings. I save him from all the drama happening in my head and heart.

        I wake everyday, thinking, is today going to be the day where I’m ‘strong’ again?!

        I call my sister. She has a growth on her pituitary gland. Please no one asks me how she’s doing. I won’t be answering. She’s the strongest woman in the world. She will have the operation very soon, but her and I talk abt everything funny and not about anything sad. I make her laugh. I tell her stories. And she goes laugh, a lot. Gosh I will be not be that strong if it was me! I’ll just shut the world out.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s