I Don’t Want Your Wings

-Taking a break from my cafe story…-

* * *

As usual, my music is taking me places…places that are very very far…and I’m flying.

I can’t help but think of Icarus. His majestic well crafted wings catching fire. He got too close to the sun.

If I was Icarus: I’d refuse the wings! Sounds foolish! Ok ok I know it does! Sit down! 😉

Thank you for sitting down.

Now listen, and don’t get angry at my foolish irresponsible arrogance! Just try to hear me out!

If I was Icarus, I’d refuse the wings. My father Deadalus, would be offering them, he worked hard on crafting them so I could fly, and I don’t want them.

He will lay them carefully right in-front of me. His hands are tired and weathered and full of dark blotches and scrapes. But I still don’t want them! How ungrateful! Go ahead. Say it. But please remain seated.

I want them, only if

I want them, only if I can fly

Here you are jumping in my face again ‘but THAT’S THE POINT! He’s GIVING them to you so you could FLY’

‘Yes I do know that!’ I’ll say quietly. I’m calm. You’re not.

I don’t want the wings. I want them only if, I could fly…wherever I want to! Do not give me wings and say: don’t go up close to the sun! I get the don’t fly too low part! I could do that! I have no interest in low. But HIGH????? Are you kidding me???? Not too close to the sun so my wings won’t burn?! Oh wait…they’re made out of WHAT???? WAX???? Now I really really don’t want them! You’re the most skilled craftsman, and you made them out of…wax…sigh…I think you are trying to teach me something! Let’s see…I’m not supposed to disobey your rules? What? What is it that I am supposed to learn here?! To be wise? I AM NOT! I am not wise and I’ll never be!

So take your wings back!

Your wings will be wasted on me! It’ll probably take me 5 seconds to be right there close to the sun! And your wings will melt and I will fall!

How about, I help you make another set! Out of stuff that don’t melt ;)..just a thought! Then, you let me fly and linger…a bit longer…around..the sun

Author: Kat

I used to work as a graphic designer, until one day I was tragically and blissfully hit by two colliding meteors! One caused my falling in love with the world of coffee! And the other resulted in me falling out of love with the not so wonderful and nearly suffocating office culture! I left the glamour of the design world, and opened up my little café! Those were the best years of my life! I say ‘were’, because (wait! May be another time! But please do ask me if you ‘must’ know and can’t sleep tonight unless I tell you!) For the past three years, I have been living in a pyramid shape house in a middle of a green forest in the summer; a green forest buried underneath lots - I mean LOTS - of snow in the winter. I used to ‘think I still do ;)’ love the city! With its buzzing energy! I love to travel and seeing different food and coffee scenes...preferably alone! visiting ‘quirky and unusual’ places! I do not love visiting museums, hugely commercialized areas, malls and landmarks! I love old and full of heritage ‘anything’! I also love, to sit in a busy coffeeshop ‘reading quietly’ and not talking! Talking exhausts me most of the time! Watching the world unfold.. and thinking ...never does!

15 thoughts on “I Don’t Want Your Wings”

    1. Exactly Gina! I meant for this to humorous to offset my dark cafe story mood 😉 … Then perhaps, a couple challenging thoughts just managed to slip in there in the midst! I was also hoping my obvert attempt at a splash of sarcasm, was going to be forgiven by you and others, considering the humour! 🙂
      Hugs…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Perhaps, Kat, father making the wings out of wax, was foresight, knowing that if you got too high … you would burn up. You would destroy yourself in going where it’s best not to go. You, with wings impervious to sun, might fly right into the sun … and then? And then … it is all done. You are done. For what? To have experienced something — the deadliness of the sun — that … well, did it serve any purpose?

    Too, I think, we might have friends, our mate … who protects us from going too far sometimes. And we can. There are limits, as much as we might not like them. As much as we might chafe at them. But our mate keeps some kind of very loose tether on us. Free to fly, to roam, to wander … but not too far, lest we destroy who we are, and what and who we have become.

    I have experienced almost going too far, when traveling within. It was 6 or 7 years ago. Writing and writing and writing … I don’t remember about what. Exploring emotions, dark places. Dark places aren’t always ‘dark,’ evil. Sometimes they’re just unexplored, and no light has been shone on them yet.

    And some dark places … are dark. They will take hold of us, and not let go, and we can’t come back. Call it going into insanity or whatever word we might choose. ‘Crazy.’ Gone over the edge. There is an edge ‘out there,’ or ‘in here.’ A place where, if we persist in going, we might not come back. We might, actually, destroy who we are, going into places where it’s best not to go.

    We’re pulled in many directions. Some pull at us intensely.

    I remember that night for the realization that I was out there near the edge, or on it. I stopped writing for awhile. I had gone too far. Something not good was there, and it wanted to take me. There was the tantalizing promise of the unknown. But I could feel the darkness of it, something evil. A force. It’s there. And if we go into it, we might not come back.

    Drugs do that to millions of people. They tempt, and if you succumb, you can lose yourself. Most of us know someone, or several people, who have succumbed. And they can’t come back. I have a nephew who, I’m sure, just wanted to ‘try’ heroin one time. And it was the first of many times. And he hasn’t stopped. He can’t.

    I didn’t have a mate or a friend with me when I sensed what I did that night. Thankfully, I was able to stop myself. I’m aware of it, whatever it is. I love to write, to fly in my writing, explore, discover. I know, too, that there is an undefined edge that we can cross over.

    Our mate, our parent, a sibling, friend … might be the one who keeps an eye on us. It is a delicate task and responsibility. I want the ones I love to fly. High. I also want them to not destroy what they have just for the sake of flying.

    There are many aspects and shades to this conversation … example after example. Worth thinking about, writing about, sharing our thoughts on it all. We are not all-wise. We can be impulsive, arrogant, carefree … and foolish. Truly foolish. For no good reason. Again, there are many — many! lol — aspects to this. Perhaps our mate can see what we can’t. Perhaps we listen … and we might not. I have NOT listened in some cases, and it has cost me dearly. I was reckless, foolish, and yes, arrogant.

    But those things I refer to pale in comparison to going over the edge that I got so close to some years ago. We may not always know how far to go, how high to fly. It may be that the one who loves us, pulls us back from that edge. I wish that my nephew had had a friend who said … don’t go there, Matt. Instead, he had ‘friends’ who said ‘oh you gotta try this, man. Just once.’

    Icarus’ father may have known what he was doing with those skilled hands and his wise mind … 🙂

    Thank you for writing something that made me pause and think. I, too, believe in flying high, risking … going where others are afraid to go. I was agreeing with you when I read your words … and there was something there that I couldn’t put my finger on. I have sat with it for the past day. And tonight … well this is tonight …

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    1. Good morning Michael :),

      I believe, that was perhaps, my unconscious reason for writing that silly contemplation about Icarus! To question the inner ‘I should always play it safe’ notion, we all face, when adventure presents itself.

      Think first. Assess all variables. Choose your decision wisely. We were all taught that. Directly, or indirectly by our patents, while growing up. Children these days, are being taught the same! Except more directly than ever!
      Yes it’s good parenting! But, is our sense of adventure a casualty, of that over protection?!

      Don’t climb the big oak tree! Don’t go up too high! You may fall and you may break a bone or two! You may get paralyzed or even die. We usually simplify it and say ‘don’t go up high! You will fall and I can’t catch you and you’ll get hurt!’!

      ‘Fall’. Icarus. ‘Don’t climb up too high’. Icarus again. The same concept! Do you see?!

      You mentioned, ‘is it worth it?!’ Michael! I’ll ask you and ask myself at the same time ‘Was it worth it to climb a big oak tree all the way up when were children?!’. How do we know? Unless we had tried it! 🙂

      How do we know what I feels like? Unless we actually did climb the big oak tree up high?! Unless we flew up high close to the sun?!

      To deprive ourselves, or our children, of the pleasure of discovery, due to risks involved. Is that really wise!? Or does it contain ‘foolishness’?! The same word you used Michael, to describe flying way up high close to the sun.

      These questions are for us all! Not just you and I.

      Did we lose our love for life in the midst of ‘let’s be very cautious. Let’s play it safe’?!

      How do we reconcile the fear of being labeled irresponsible, or flighty!!

      And especially, especially for those of us, who are free spirits, how can we beat to watch, our roaming spirit, getting trapped, by the confines of the group?!!!!

      The eternally curious. The forever seekers of new challenges, new ideas, people and places. That’s us. That’s you and I and everyone who is has a creative mind. Does it vary? Sure it does! Please excuse the obvious generalization here. The point is, our general sense of wander.

      Another question that us wanderers struggle with: What happens when we find somewhere, or someone we have grown attached to?! When it’s like an internal war between that part inside of us that wants to stay, and the part that never wants to stop exploring?!

      The dark side you mentioned Michael is scary. Definitely scary. I think I understand what you described! I’m ‘trying’ hard to understand what you described! To find yourself lost in your deep dark thoughts. To question everything to the point of near insanity. To have no restraint while writing and revealing deeply inner layers of our fears and dark thoughts! Yes I think I understand that can be frightening.
      You mentioned you had to stop writing for a few days. I’m proud of you for doing that. For knowing when to stop.
      I am sensing your restless, adventurous,
      life loving self too :). But I’m also sensing, how you have changed :). Is that we call growth?! Maturity?! And yes, I support it. Knowing what we ‘really’ want and what we really don’t. It’s smart and worth celebrating! Not by jumping off of an exhilarating cliff though! _sorry couldn’t help throwing that in :)_

      I hope we can continue this discussion Michael! It’s great 🙂

      In the end, I wish us all free spirited humans, a life that is forever growing and changing! Our insatiable hunger for discovery, no matter what kind, is wonderful.

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    2. Oh and one more thing: I am so sorry about your nephew Matt. It deeply touched my heart! I wish him recovery from his disease one day. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to see a loved one drown and all we can do is watch. That ‘is’ dark. And hard.

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      1. Thank you, Kat. One of too many millions. Most don’t come back. Whatever the effect of the drug, it is more powerful than anything else. We could talk about what it is that drugs do so powerfully, so completely, that the rest of this life becomes irrelevant.

        I have a compulsive personality, I think is the term for it. An addictive personality. I can feel the pull to alcohol — I have always avoided drugs, as I have always known their danger for me. I go hard into something — writing, work, creating … it could be alcohol, it could be drugs, it could be gambling. I have to watch myself … the exhilaration of basically saying ‘f**k it, let’s do this thing!’ — whatever that thing is, and just let the rush take me wherever it takes me — it’s a powerful thing.

        I seek excitement … I have a very open ‘something’ — spirit, essence, who I am. wide open. I feel / sense / exult in the stimulation of everything. It’s why being around people who are bored, or seem to have no excitement over life … they are my antithesis. The personality that IS excited, thrives on it, needs it … we need to find ways to direct that intensity into things that create for us things and work and relationships that lift us up. Someone to share the journey, the wonder, the truly breathtaking awe of all that there is, this infinity that is within us and stretches forever in every direction.

        there is always the desire to break loose, free. To burn down what is, set it all on fire, set myself on fire, burn it all down, and see what remains. what rises from the ashes? and something does rise from the ashes. a new self. I have burned things down to pretty much nothing — except who I am when there is nothing. I always feel the impulse to burn it down, because … I am done with it. and see what happens. see what is left. who I am. to live without fear. to fly into the sun, to see what happens. it may be … could be might be … that for those who dare, we find ourselves turned to ash. but we may find, too, that from those ashes, something spectacular comes.

        the buddhists advise, encourage, teach … don’t be attached to an outcome. let go of outcomes. let go of everything.

        Joan Didion has a quote that I love: “I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be.” old selves burned down, let go of. Charles Bukowski … ‘If something burns your soul with purpose and desire, it’s your duty to be reduced to ashes by it. Any other form of existence will be yet another dull book in the library of life.’

        so, Kat … your story about Icarus … yes, it stirred a lot of things … 🙂

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      2. I think, it’s a great trait that you know your personality type Michael, and you know your triggers! ‘Watching yourself’ like you have expressed, is also commendable! Knowing when to stop and where not to go! Many sad souls are incapable of doing that, in this lonely life we live!

        I can tell you one thing that I have noticed about the creative personality in general, we throw ourselves into the process! We all do it one way or another! Basically, I’m agreeing with what you referred to in your reply!
        And it’s hard at times! It’s hard to forget pretty much everything else, and basically neglect all that doesn’t lend itself to the creative process! Food, sleep, family, real work ;)..etc etc!

        To burn it all down! I’m curious to know: if you were to go through that same experience, where you mentioned you ‘burnt it all down’! Would you do that again?! What did you learn?! I’m just curious…

        I’m a talker when it comes to ‘actually’ burning all down! I know my limits. I know I’m not one to burn all! And I would caution, anyone, from actually burning it all down! If I am to sit with you, as I usually do with some of my friends, discussing ‘their’ lives and their stories, I’d probably try to convince you to wait and try everything you can, before closing that door! Be it work, or relationship!

        Now, tell me to skip work and join you and some friends at a local pub in the city! And I’ll be ready to ‘burn 2 hours down’. That type of spontaneous act, I can do! 🙂

        The Charles Bukowski quote?!! Is dead on! And ever so spectacular! I love it! And thank you for sharing it! It’s my absolutely new favourite quote!

        It’s good to stir things up to think deeper about who we are and what we want from life! I’m glad I did 🙂

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  2. No need to worry on grammar, Kat … lol …

    Thanks for your note back on my long note. I tell you, there is a LOT (lot lot lot!) going on in there! In both of our minds. It would take me (will take me?) quite some time to write my way into and through it and with it. So … for now, I will pause to work!

    Kat, writing is a beautiful thing. There are rare times — rare people — where I think, oh my god it would be nice to sit and actually TALK about all this, with this person. Writing is sometimes painfully (and at the same time it’s all quite exhilarating; like horses champing at the bit to run) slow, no matter how quickly I type. I am a very fast typist (I learned on a manual typewriter!) … and it’s so slow …!

    Thank you for being one of those very rare people where I think, now THIS is someone who would be interesting to actually talk with! lol … mostly, I have no interest in talking with people. For business, I do, sometimes quite a bit, I enjoy it, we talk about specific things, the conversations are positive, animated, excited — it’s how I am. so it’s how the talk goes.

    Mostly, though, people bore me intensely. So … no conversation is better than boring conversation. I can have interesting ones in my mind!

    It’s nice to discover a kindred spirit whose mind goes in all these fascinating directions, asks questions, and more questions, poses possibilities, tosses them out, then this one. Why not this?

    Keep writing … lol … I haven’t had this much fun, excitement, anticipation, curiosity … writing / talking to anyone in quite a long time …! Not only someone who thinks about endless things … but someone who can write, and who DOES write, who can put all these things into these words and sentences and phrases and paragraphs, who wants to, who must.

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    1. I believe ‘it would take me me’ is correct 🙂
      No rush Michael!

      Thank you for thinking I’m interesting to talk to! May be Brenda, you and I will actually talk one day 😉 one never knows! After all Brenda started it all 🙂
      Glad you at least enjoy talking for business! And that you find the conversations to be positive and exciting. Not everyone has that at their work :).

      Yes my mind does tend to wander, enquire and question a lot of things! Kindred spirits we are for sure.

      Gosh I could sense your excitement over this discussion we are having! And you know what?! It’s ‘great’! Get excited! Do have fun! And thank you, for having this much fun from the first place :)! These discussions help us learn and grow! We learn from others’ POVs and their experiences! Small talks we usually have with others in our daily lives, are ok I guess! Actually! I personally suck at small talk! I’m a lousy lousy small talker! I never seem to see the point! So I get what you’re saying.

      Thank you for being here Michael and for the great exchange of ideas! Until next time 🙂

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