I’m Anxious

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I return home from vacation tomorrow. 

I am anxious.

It’s been a great vacation.

But I’m anxious.

The sun is setting. I’m sitting on a lounge chair by the pool in my bathing suit. And I’m anxious.

There’s a big stretch of green grass in front of me. The pool water is blue and calm. But I’m anxious.

It’s quiet all around me. I hear a plane flying above every now and then. Even that noise is a far one and doesn’t really disturb! But I’m still anxious!

It’s warm out. It’s October 10. Temp is around 88. I love the warmth! But why am I anxious?!

I will see my chocolate Labrador dog tomorrow. And I’m anxious. She will greet me and go back to her bed and sleep! I…wish…she’ll do this instead: cuddle, then cuddle, then cuddle, then turn around in circles like those army veterans’ dogs whose videos are all over the internet! I wish she’ll do that.

I just got home. My dog ran and ran in circles when she saw me…she cuddled and cuddled! She said ‘you shoulda had more faith’

Author: Kat

I used to work as a graphic designer, until one day I was tragically and blissfully hit by two colliding meteors! One caused my falling in love with the world of coffee! And the other resulted in me falling out of love with the not so wonderful and nearly suffocating office culture! I left the glamour of the design world, and opened up my little café! Those were the best years of my life! I say ‘were’, because (wait! May be another time! But please do ask me if you ‘must’ know and can’t sleep tonight unless I tell you!) For the past three years, I have been living in a pyramid shape house in a middle of a green forest in the summer; a green forest buried underneath lots - I mean LOTS - of snow in the winter. I used to ‘think I still do ;)’ love the city! With its buzzing energy! I love to travel and seeing different food and coffee scenes...preferably alone! visiting ‘quirky and unusual’ places! I do not love visiting museums, hugely commercialized areas, malls and landmarks! I love old and full of heritage ‘anything’! I also love, to sit in a busy coffeeshop ‘reading quietly’ and not talking! Talking exhausts me most of the time! Watching the world unfold.. and thinking ...never does!

35 thoughts on “I’m Anxious”

        1. Ah..the unconditional love of our pets 🙂 ..It’s like an instagram filter for the soul! A dog cuddle has the power to make all the blemishes that taints our fragile soul at that moment, disappear …
          Thank you for commenting! ♥️

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    1. Dogs do know best indeed! My heart melts every single time I find myself at the presence of a furry four legged pooch! I’m in awe of their very human like reactions and tendencies! However, I am more at ease in their company, since they don’t hide any secrets or intentions! They’re sneaky at times but I never get alarmed by it! Their pure giddiness, enthusiasm and energy wash over my soul! I wish I can feel that sane ease with humans. I don’t. But that’s ok 🙂

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    2. I’m sorry you suffer from anxiety as well! It’s hard for me personally to admit it to others who know me. I hide it. I only open up about here. And I’m still adjusting to letting my mask down.

      The only time, it disappears, and I become completely relaxed, is (yes this is a confession I will most likely regret sharing later), when I have the right amount of alcohol in my blood stream. I never allow myself to get to a point of losing control. In other words, I do not get ‘drunk’! Losing control, scares me! So I lever allow myself to go there! But, I admit, the ‘buzz’ is welcome when I’m really anxious! Contrary to what I hear from a lot of people about, change in moods to the worst, becoming ‘louder’ etc! I don’t get those ‘symptoms’! I actually become the best version of myself, when I have 2 or 3 drinks! My mind is so incredibly clear.

      I fully understand the stigma associated with alcohol consumption. I am fully aware, I may sound naïve, when I minimize the negative face of alcohol! However, this is just ‘my’ reality. I am not dependent on alcohol by any means. I just wish I can understand why it affects me so ‘wonderfully’ the way it does, ‘when’ I drink.

      Apologies for the TMI.

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      1. Kat, I like alcohol, too. A beer. Maybe two. One, and I feel it. Enough that I relax just a bit. I don’t indulge often. I could, and often. I, too, am on the extreme end of anxiety, or nervousness, or tension, or I don’t know what — whenever people are around. When no people are around, I relax. No one to pay attention to, be sensitive to, try to make laugh or smile. Just me. And my two pups. No one to ‘act differently’ around, or tone myself down. Not that I’m a crazy wild dancing guy by myself … I can do that when I’ve had drinks and there’s a party going on and lots of family around!

        My dad was an alcoholic. I can understand the reasons, which don’t matter here. He had things he needed to escape from. He was so much fun to be with. The saying goes that you see who someone is when they are drinking, or when they come into a lot of money. It’s true. He was gregarious, friendly, happy.

        I have to watch my compulsive tendencies. I smoke, but in relative moderation. 7 or 8 a day. I keep it there. I do enjoy it immensely! lol …

        There’s a wild side in us, that chafes at restrictions. That chafes at holding back who we really are.

        When I walk my pups, I never leash them. Ever. Baby is 17; Bear is 10. When they came into my life, I said no leashes. My symbolic protest against leashes — the ones on us! So they, at least, are free to walk without someone dragging and pulling on them! And yes, they do stay close, and I walk in safe areas — and I break the leash law, too! Such a rebel!

        I’m going to go get a beer. I could stand dulling the edge just a little bit … lol …

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        1. Your dad sounds like he was a lovely man! It shows through your words, that you loved him very much.

          Alcoholism is not pretty! I have seen what it has done to friends, marriages etc. It’s definitely a scary disease. I’m glad you drink in moderation. The smoking part?! I can’t say do or don’t do! Not my place. I have a friend who has been saying for 6 years ‘I’m going to quit! This is it’. Guess what?! He still smokes. He never stopped. And finally, I figured, it makes him happy, so why put that guilt on him!? Why say ‘you need to quit!’. It’s only an added negative he doesn’t need.

          About walking the pups unleashed. I get it. The tiredness of rules everywhere we look even on our pets. The deep appreciation for freedom in general, and granting it to our pets. I hate walking my dog on a leash too, but sometimes I have no other choice.

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  5. Funny 🙂 (in a good way)! I am also a runner. But the idea of ‘anything’ that I love doing, taking place ‘with ppl’ leaves me completely frozen and disinterested! Isn’t it funny?! I get invited to joining into runs and marathons when ppl learn I run too! I haven’t said yes even once.
    – I made lattes and other drinks behind the espresso bar (alone). Ppl can be buzzing all around, and that’s absolutely fine! The second the cross the invisible line around my invisible bubble, drinks in my hands turn into goo or some watery milk/espresso sort of undrinkable liquid! Americans lose their crema and turn into a disgraceful flat headed Nabob!
    – cooking: the same thing! Thank have to be alone!
    – art: same thing
    – EVEN HORSE RIDING! (Not yelling. Just feeling …perplexed over my solo existence haha)

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    1. I think extreme introversion — mine is — is the result of extreme sensitivity to everyone around me. It’s like a hyper sensitivity. I can’t shut it off or close it down. Everything comes in. If people are happy, it’s okay to fun to great. If there are unhappy people — one more more — not good.

      Unfortunately, easiest to be alone. Or fortunately. I don’t know. I like being alone. I can’t get much of it right now. But I love it. Crave it. Quiet. Just quiet and calm.

      I love people. But it’s like feeling all the moods, just by looking at someone. It verges on painful, certainly uncomfortable. I ‘transmute’ much of that sensitivity into the things I create for work. You, Kat, transmute some of your sensitivity into your spectacular art (not sketches, mind you! art!!).

      It’s gotten painful, more and more, as I have gotten older. Whatever shield I had in earlier years, it’s much less now. Worn, tattered. It was never much to begin with. It’s just a few tattered pieces of silky kinds of material that shield nothing at all any more. Which allows in astonishing, staggering beauty, too — seeing and sensing beauty, spectacular beauty — in people, in the world — that most are blind to. I gladly take the painful stuff, to see the exquisite beauty. It doesn’t seem a choice, in any event. I am glad for it all … 🙂

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      1. As long as you understand yourself, no one should judge. Extreme introversion seems to work for you. Being alone seems to make you happy. I don’t see anything wrong with that. You know your needs, limits and what you can handle. You fully understand, what it means to be basically ‘a sponge’! Absorbing other people’s ‘issues’ whatever they are. It’s not easy. I get it.
        You protect yourself by withdrawing. The world is just too much sometimes. You need quietness. Just like food, water and sleep. For some, it’s simply a right, that needs to be acknowledged more.

        I love people too! As long as they don’t try to ‘hoard’ me, control me, or do ‘unnecessary’ acts due to their own insecurities and issues, towards me. I know a lot of people, but have issues getting really close. One on one meetings, scare me. The air feels stuffy, plus, I always find, people tend to start talking about heavy stuff, or…say…TMI things to just…chitchat! Most of the time, I find, the conversation to be..purposeless. You both sit there, at a table. Nothing to do but?! ‘Talk’. You talk, but learn nothing. They learn nothing. I don’t see the point in aimless conversations. They fill me with awkwardness and…stuffiness. I don’t mind lighthearted ones. Where people laugh and joke. I like laughter. But I usually still do much much better and prefer it much better when there’s a ‘buffer’. More than just ‘2’ people. I say no to ‘let’s go for coffee’ a lot. I say yes to ‘let’s go to the movies then dinner or drinks’. But it still takes the ‘right’ person/people. I have ‘one’ friend that I never ever get tired of talking to. That’s about it. Her and I act silly, say stupid stuff, disagree, and time just always flies by. Unfortunately she doesn’t live close.

        ‘It’s gotten painful, more and more, as I have gotten older. Whatever shield I had in earlier years, it’s much less now. Worn, tattered.’
        I get that too. You’re turning into a grumpy old man! Hehehe! Teasing. Don’t frown.

        ‘ I gladly take the painful stuff, to see the exquisite beauty. It doesn’t seem a choice, in any event.’
        I can’t claim I understand this part.

        Thank you for the ‘meaningful’ chat Michael! As always

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        1. “I gladly take the painful stuff, to see the exquisite beauty. It doesn’t seem a choice, in any event.’
          I can’t claim I understand this part.

          Kat, I wrote a response that is too long, for my comfort, to share here. Perhaps another time, place, venue. I very much appreciate your response, as always.

          Grumpy old man … lol … you make me laugh, Kat! Thank you!

          It’s cool how threads of comments go. As unpredictable and infinite and cool as the men and women who share here.

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  10. Thank you for your kindness 😊! But we both know 6 m is …not ‘that’ impressive! But, I have given up doing stuff I love to impress others, a few months ago 😊! I’m supposed to say ‘loooong time ago’, but for the sake of full honesty in this Wordy Sphere, I have to stick to the ‘literal’ truth! Which is incredibly funny (to me) in itself

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  15. But, life is full of good and not so good days. We are ‘humans’. ‘We’ get sick. ‘We’ get better. Just remember that.
    We are not invincible. Would’ve been nice. But we have to keep fighting, smiling…and…ruining my friend!

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  16. My sister is sick. But, she had showed me, what grace when sick is like!

    She teaches drama. Theatre basically. And I joked with her today, that she’s doing her strongest performance but I said ‘you don’t need to! Let me help’. She laughed and refused.

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  18. I talk to my sister nearly everyday now. And the truth is, I never used to. I also absolutely hate…talking on the phone. But I talk to my sister for hours. We laugh and laugh. She needs me. And I’m there for her.
    I will be sick too one day. I hope I’ll have ppl ‘I like’ who’d make me laugh.

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  19. Thank you, for opening up my heart. For letting me put my guards now.
    The wall will be up again. But thank you for helping me tear it down! Even if temporarily!

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